In a World Where Everything Changes, Love Remains the Same

 Lately, I find myself getting sad for no reason. No. This isn’t a rare occurrence. I’ve experienced this momentary lag of reason many times over the course of my life. And as the analytical type that I am, I’m always trying to figure out the ‘why’. It is fact that our bodies let us know when it needs water or specific nutrients, (also known as cravings). So if you think about it, it’s not a far stretch to think that our bodies – or our minds – are in need of something when it responds in a way such as displaced sadness.

When I was very young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, I recall very vividly, my mother sitting with her head down on the kitchen table, crying uncontrollably. Scared and confused, I approached her and asked what was wrong. She looked up and me and sobbed, “I don’t know why. I’m just sad.” That moment was forever etched deep within me. It honestly terrified me. I didn’t understand. I remember thinking, how can you be sad without a reason?? Part of me thought she was nuts. As I grew older I realized that she did suffer from depression. I’m sure that was part of it, but having the experiences I’ve had in life, I have a hard time comprehending ‘depression’ as an illness. I think it is self-driven. Let me stop you there. Yes. I have suffered ‘depression’ in my years. But, do I think a pill will fix it? A big: HELL NO. I think getting to the core of the problem is where the remedy lives. Not all things can be fixed, but they have to be accepted. Sometimes we cannot get there alone. We need our closest friends or even a counselor. Until we succumb to doing whatever it takes to get to the root of the fear, we will continue dancing around the fire, and some will continue to fall further into a pit of despair, getting more and more depressed as they convince themselves they are nuts. They aren’t. We aren’t. We’re just human.

It’s human nature to be fearful of change, and change is a major facet of life; you cannot have one without the other. Change is probably the one true constant we can depend on. For some reason we get accustom to a certain way of life and when even the slightest thing changes, we freak out. Eventually, some things will change: jobs, children, relationships, friends, bills…. We busted our asses in school to get a good job just to lose it. We raise our children with the best of intentions just to witness them growing up, making decisions on their own, sometimes as we watch in horror. Experience has taught us the outcome already. We brace for what is to come just as if we were watching an accident getting ready to unfold. But they have to learn on their own. Of course we love them and we don’t want them to hurt, but they are on a new journey and unfortunately as parents, that part doesn’t include us holding their hand. Why do we react in shock as if things are supposed to remain constant? As if life is somehow supposed to be perfect all the time? THAT is living in a fantasy world.

Long ago, I resolved that this feeling of displaced sadness is normal. It kind of threw me off this time, because I couldn’t be happier right now. The last six months has been phenomenal…so, why am I so sad? What is it that my body fears? Then it hits me: unconditional love. I don’t think I’ve honestly ever felt it from someone of the opposite sex. I know I felt unconditional love from my mother, but my Dad is another story. There was always a string attached to things he did for me, and he didn’t hesitate to tell me I’d never amount to shit if I didn’t do things his way. Sad. But true. When I was younger, I walked on egg shells always fearing that if I disappointed those I love, they would leave or say mean things to me. If I didn’t do things right, I would lose it all. It really sucks to feel that your Dad only loves you based on your performance. Don’t worry. I don’t need a therapist. I have come to grips with how I feel about my Dad. I love him, and I know he loves me in the best way he knows how. He’s 82. It’s not going to change. I will never be Daddy’s girl. I’ll never have that precious moment where he dances with me and tells me how proud he is of me. This is just the way he is. He means no harm and he definitely doesn’t want it to make me cry. So I let it hurt for a moment, then I press on. THAT is how I avoid depression: I accept. I mourn. I do what I can, then I move on. I have way too many things to be thankful for. I cannot allow something I don’t have to define me.

Through it all, I see how I’ve harbored this emptiness with my relationships with men. Always struggling to feel accepted, to quiet the fear of being left, to quench the tears of a relationship I never had with my dad. In my past, I have mistaken love for many other things and I’ve allowed this blindness to permit myself to be used, abused and misled. Likewise, my past has taught me to see signs and separate myself from someone. Make a quick exit. Cut my losses. Keep my head about me and my priorities in order. I’ve always known deep down that someday, someone would come around and he would be it. Life is all about learning. And I’ve learned a lot about what love is and what love isn’t.

So what is it? What is my body telling me? Well, I think it has to do with change and with love. My youngest child graduates next month. A lengthy chapter in my life is coming to an end. I realize the fear of their well-being and safety won’t stop here, but my job as a full-time Mother is definitely changing. She’s moving out on her own and even though I’m scared, I’m so incredibly proud of her. And here I am getting ready to move out of the house I’ve lived in for over 20 years to move in with the man of my dreams. Sometimes it seems surreal. I’ve always felt that I would find love, but it is here. Right here. Right now. How do I know that? I can’t explain it. I just do. And here in lies the realization of my fear: maybe I was wrong. Maybe all things don’t change.

Unconditional love is truly the one thing that doesn’t change. It is always there. I have become so accustom to living on guard, walking on egg shells, defending my ground…and I don’t have to anymore. For once, I can breathe. The man who has my heart, truly has my heart. He has all of me. That in and of itself is scary. My body is not use to this and maybe it just needs time to adjust (lol).  I love him with all that I am. I can actually see myself in him. Sounds kinda corny but it’s true. And because of that, it isn’t hard to imagine that he loves me the same way, too…I know he has his own set of fears. Yet, I trust him. Yes. I said that. I fully and completely trust him.

So what do I need? I need to let go of the “what if’s”. I need to leave behind all my fears and the memories that have created them. I need to accept that not all love is like the love of my Dad. I need to forgive me Dad for my loving me how I want him, too and simply accept him for who he is. And I need to remind myself that I deserve to be happy, without the fear of acceptance, or floor of egg shells. I need to continue accepting, mourning, growing and moving forward. I am the author of my biography. Each chapter is better than the next. And in a world where everything changes, love remains.

 

Bigger than the Biggest

So. I feel like blogging…so many things to blog about. The hard part is picking one. It’s the day after Christmas. Just got off the phone with my second oldest sister. This topic seems appropriate. For those who don’t know me, I’m the baby of 8 full-blooded siblings. My folks were married almost 50 years. I’m the youngest. Sixteen years separate me from the oldest. All but me and a brother are married and every one of us have at least 1 child. You’d think our Christmas would be filled with merriment and joy and family upon family. But no.

This blog will not be filled with happiness and joy, nor oozing with holiday delight and moments of love and cherished memories. No. I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I have such a large family and we don’t take the time to be together like we use to. If my Mom were still alive, she’d be pissed too. Oh yeah. We are getting together, on New Year’s Day. No food. Just stop by between 2pm and 5pm. I doubt everyone will stay 3 hours. Several nieces and nephews won’t be there and half of us live out of state. I wonder if everyone is going out of desirement or requirement. (I know it’s not a word. Sue me.) What gets me most is, back in the day, it was “we eat at noon.” You could show up early but rarely did anyone ever show up late without cause. And while it was hard to find a day when no one had committments with their inlaws, most stuck around until it was dark. What the hell is 2pm-5pm?? Having a beginning and ending time sounds more like a meeting, not a gathering of family. Maybe I should take doughnuts. (Yes. It’s okay to laugh. I am.)

Every year we use to gather on Christmas. If not Christmas day, a day very close to it. My old bedroom usually served as the coat room: I smile when I think about my old bed hidden with stacks of coats, scarfs, purses and gloves. And as you would suspect with a family my size, there were more gift than the livingroom could accomodate, but even better, it was a necessity to drag every chair and table from the basement upstairs so that no one had to stand. Everyone worked together, everyone pitched in. (No. I really had to go to the bathroom when it was time to do dishes. 😉 ) Kids chased each other down the hall, their laughs echoed from the basement where the adults would also congregate eventually to play ping pong or pool. The holiday feativites fostered a time for nieces and nephews to stregthen their bonds. A time for brothers and sisters to poke fun at ugly sweaters, compliment new hairdos, talk about new things in our lives, and maybe make a joke or two. 

An array of food always adorned several tables and nooks and crannies in the kitchen. There was always chicken and dumplings – a specialty my Mom and Grandma would tediously and religiously begin preparing the night before. And everyone brought a dish. Some we became accustom to every year: my sister-in-laws famous 8-way potatoes. Another sister’s spin on broccoli casserole. Always the familiar, and ever so popular peanut butter balls, fudge and sugar cookies with the Hershey’s kiss on the top that my second oldest sister would make. They weren’t even popular that first year she made them. Oh. She has a way with desserts. When I saw her pull up, I always ran out to help her bring stuff in just so I could get a sniff.

We are a strong family based on faith, yet while we always said grace before a meal, one of my sister’s would always include Jesus by telling a story. Usually before opening gifts to remind us what the season was all about. My niece and nephews even put on a show one year, costumes and all. They were so proud and we were proud just watching them.

All of these things – the food, the family, the traditions, the working together, the laughs, the pokes, the attempts to avoid doing dishes, the watching grandma fall asleep upright in the recliner –  it was what made the holiday special. Man. I love those memories. I can close my eyes and I’m there again.

If you find yourself complaining about traveling to visit inlaws, or trying to juggling seeing both sides of the family during the holidays, next year, just do it and be thankful. Don’t let the holiday’s become a chore. It’s not about presents and food and ugly sweaters. It’s about spending time together. Even if it’s in 3 hour allottment… No present, no dish, no card, will ever replace those moments. Maybe next year will be better. Until then, I’m going to enjoy every second, even if there’s no sugar cookie with a hershey’s kiss in the middle, because it’s more about just being together because when you take all those little things in life and put them together, they become bigger than the biggest things. And those are often the most irreplaceable.

I’m not pissed anymore. The holidays may make me sad, but I know I’m still blessed. Even my own children were scattered around the states with their significant others. So, the holidays may not be exactly as I wish they would be, but I do appreciate the memories. Maybe that’s why I’m the first to volunteer to do dishes now….

You don’t need a holiday to hug the ones you love.

Oh! And let me add: remember the movie “A Christmas Story”? The mom goes through all the work to make a big meal, and the dog eats the turkey and ruins dinner so they go to a Chinese restaurant? It wasn’t about the food, it was about being together. Thanks for reminding me of that, Dave. While we just went there to eat, it meant much more to me than you know. But that’s how God works. In the simple details. I love you.

Every Second Another Smile

I really wanted to blog today. I settled in and tried to accumulate my thoughts struggling with that first sentence, but then this came out. Sometimes, you just have to let it flow…let the heart speak on your behalf. Here goes…

 

If I could let you inside my heart,

To see what I feel

Feel what I see

You would think it was just some crazy dream

Just like I did,

Until you showed up and brought that craziness into focus.

Making sense of the senseless.

 

A part of me always knew you were out there

Through all the hell

Through all the pain

I could not relinquish that dream…

Rather, it would not let me go.

All along echoing deep inside that I didn’t have to understand, only believe.

No one knows God’s plan.

 

I have come to realize there were things I needed to work on

Things I needed to learn

Things I needed to unlearn

And although I may have taken the long way at times

I had to go through those things.

All a part of His master plan ensuring I’d be ready for us.

And I am.

 

I know from here on out we will see the world differently

Every second will be another smile

Every day another memory

And we will appreciate all we’ve been through before

Knowing that it was all purposeful in bringing us to now

Together. Side by side.

And forever I will thank God for you…

for breathing life into my crazy dream.

                                                                                   ~ Angela Nichols

And Then, Everything Falls Into Place

This morning I slept in as much as I could and man did it feel good. I did get up for a little while but was fortunate to have the ability to drift back off to sleep, not having to leave the warm confines of my bed except for a quick excursion to the bathroom. I figured I’d get accustom to sleeping late by the time my vacation was over. Mission accomplished.

I finally decided to rejoin the real world around 2:00p. (Nice, right? Don’t be jealous.) I submerged myself in the hottest bath my skin could endure and allowed my mind to wander. I kept going back to my Mom. Not sure why…I don’t really give it much thought anymore. It’s commonplace for me to have fleeting thoughts about her. I know I’ll always have a part of me that misses her, yet the adult part of me always knew she would go first. That’s the natural cycle of life. We are supposed to outlive our parents. I would much rather mourn her passing then for her mourn mine. And I don’t really mourn losing her anymore…she’s in a better place and she no longer hurts; no longer has the burdens of this world. She left behind a legacy of lessons and displays of love that no one can erase. In my heart, I know she continues to have a great soul and surrounds me on occasion just to see how I’m doing and watch over me…thank God she can’t barge in my room and make me wake up anymore.

Anywho, I want to write and amiss the myriad of thoughts and steam, it hits me. All my thoughts finally come together. I see that avocado plant I wrote about before on my window sill. Funny how all the activity is occurring under the water. (I know there’s a word for that but Google failed to pull through; alas, it’ll just have to eat at me all day.) Above the water it still appears as just an ugly, dead brown ball. But it’s not. It’s fully alive, waiting for its time to sprout forth vibrate green shoots. It’ll happen. I know it. Just like my Mom knew it would happen for me. She had this uncanny sixth sense for me. On several occasions she would call me in the morning and ask me if I was okay. Of course, that would be the exact day that something had happened. I would cry and spill my guts as she explained she had a dream and knew it was about me. She never really had any solid answers. Or so I thought. Honestly, sometimes it really ticked me off. How could she know so much but not have the answers?? She would just tell me to love my kids and hang on, that it would all make sense in time. At that time though, those words just cut a little deeper. I didn’t even know myself yet. I was more concerned about the now – what was above the waterline. But, I finally caught on, Mom. I realize you were looking at the inside of what was forming in me…what I was capable of, while I was too busy looking all around me at what was going on – or not going on – oblivious to what was forming underneath it all.

Looking back, I realize life was molding me: growing my roots, so that one day, when it was my time, those green shoots would be healthy, sturdy and strong. I have learned more about myself in the past three years than I ever have. Over my lifetime, I have been to places I never want to return, I have learned valuable lessons…most the hard way. Yet, these last few years, I’ve walked the road less traveled. I’ve carved my own path, learning about myself along the way. I have discovered my hobbies, the things I love to do, the things that make me – me. And I’ve learned that we should not allow anyone to rob us of those qualities. When you meet someone, you don’t stop being you. If you do, you better pack up and start running. Love brings out the best in us, it never subtracts the good.

You’ve heard me say this numerous times, but love isn’t meant to complete us, it’s meant to compliment us. Yet, if you do not know yourself, how can you expect to find that kind of love? We cannot expect someone else to complete our puzzle. That is our job. Love is never selfish, yet it does start with ‘self’. Genuinely knowing how to love ourselves is the key to being ready for love. When you know yourself, you are already complete. That missing puzzle piece is your Self, and once you find that…it just  a matter of time until everything else falls into place. It’s just a matter of time until you find that special ‘one’ that enjoys the whole puzzle with you. Then, together you enjoy finding all the ways of how your puzzles fit together. You know what compliments you and what doesn’t. You know what works and what doesn’t. What you want and what you don’t. You are open to a whole new experience of love and realization. I once only dreamt of what real love was like…and let me tell you, I’m beginning to recognize that true love may be even grander than that. True love is not something that can be contained in a dream.

I think that’s what my Mom was trying to tell me. Let the roots grow. Invest in my Self and my kids. As I learn about myself, the dream will naturally transform and materialize on their own, without my help, without my intercessions. Like any rebellious child, it only took me 40 years to listen but I’m so glad it finally sunk in. I finally get it, Mom. Thanks for continuing to be a vital part of my life. Thanks for all those subtle lessons. And thanks for all those extra ‘five more minutes’…and I know…it’s time to turn those weekday alarms back on…then I can go play pool. 😉

Only Time Can Reveal If It’s Real

Well. I slept like crap. Stayed in bed as long as my body would endure, then I fixed me a cup of coffee and settled in front of the fire pit for an afternoon fire. (Who says bonfires are just for night time, right?) I’m out there amiss the colorful blanket of leaves sipping my joe, letting the heat of the sun warm my body and the flames entertain my mind. I’m having an urge to write; thus, here I am.

Richard Bach, famous author of ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’, once wrote, “If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.” I don’t think he meant to say that love never existed, rather that the love was never meant to be ours forever. There are so many flavors of love. How many of us have ever truly let love go? And I mean when it utterly hurts to your core to let it go. And why do we tend to get mad if someone takes their love away, then blame and point fingers and cry pain-filled tears? I know it hurts, but would you really want to be with someone only because it is expected of them? Tears can be a product of love, but not a factor. Trust me, I know firsthand that love can be so painful at times causing deep, sincere tears, but tears cannot, and should not, make someone love you. No one owes you love; love satisfies no debt if it is not genuine. Love must come freely, on its own. Coerced love only delays the inevitable. Sadly, this world has become so self-centered, it’s pathetic. We’ve gotten lost in the definition of love and in turn have made love something we expect and hold onto out of desperation or give out of guilt. The sad reality is, in desperation, we rarely have any true form of love, and ironically, we choke out any chance for true love to ever develop in the process.

I think Bach meant to reveal the true nature of love: a freeing force, rather than an imprisoning one. If you love someone, you will honor and respect the potential and the highest good for that person…even if that means not being a part of that good…even if that means stepping away to allow time to reveal what kind of love is being felt. If in honoring another’s potential, they return your love following their natural path, their love for you is true. This is the kind of love that endures and thrives, and believe it or not, grows. If it is not returned, it never was. And why would you want that anyway?

There is a gray area when letting go. Often no one sees the turmoil that goes on inside. A smile disguises the pain on the outside, but inside, it is something so personal and so deep…the ache to explore that love coupled with the knowledge that you just can’t allow yourself to show them. Yet, love does not need to be reciprocated. You can love someone from a distance without them loving you back. You can honor and love someone without being an integral part of their life. Man, that is hard, but think of the alternative: you cannot force someone to love you, and why would you want to? You can do this best when you love yourself first, because then you are already whole. Love is meant to compliment, not complete. It is the well from which a whole different set of new and wonderful memories can be drawn together. There is nothing missing inside of you that anyone else can fill. Sure, none of us are perfect. We all have flaws, we all have needs…wants, but doesn’t that make finding a real love that much more important??  None of us are perfect, but each of us is perfect for somebody. Sometimes loving someone from a distance is the best way to express love, allowing time to intercede.

Selfless love only takes one person. Maybe, just maybe, in letting go you actually freed that person to realize their love for someone else…however sad or painful that may be, it is still an expression of love. In real unselfish love, their happiness comes first. That is the hardest form of love to understand, but we must. Even if we do not understand, we must at least accept. Everything happens for a reason even if we never come to fully understand it. And that’s where faith comes in; believing in what we cannot see. For true love to flourish, it must be shared. Letting go is sometimes the first step in discovering what kind of love, if any, exists.

 The bible says, “Do not awaken love until is so desires.” ~ Song of Solomon 8:4.I wonder if this had anything to do with Bach’s analogy. If these awakenings happen during a season when they can’t be righteously fulfilled, they often lead down a path of hurt and regret. Again, all the more reason to let it go and allow time to intercede. I honestly regret nothing because I know how I feel. I respect his honesty, and his situation. I can only hope to meet someone with his qualities again. I do, however, apologize for complicating things and plead with God to forgive me for stepping into something I probably shouldn’t have. Love must be in a position to give as well as receive. Love must be allowed to flow free.

If anything, I am convinced that there is someone extremely special out there for me and I am willing to wait for him whether our paths have already crossed or not. Certain memories will remain on hold until we can enjoy them together…like it is supposed to be. Love, to me, is sacred. Always will be. And for true love, I am willing to surrender to time because only time can truly reveal. Time is the ultimate master and we are all just slaves to it. Time can feel like an enemy and a friend. Time can allow us to heal, or it can allow love to grow. Time never intends to harm. Not knowing the outcome is the hardest part and often why we end up hurt because we want to rush time. Don’t. We may think we have the answers, but until both hearts are free, feelings will get muddled, hearts will get entangled and we will inevitably end up pointing fingers and placing blame. Let time reveal if it is real. If we follow this painful advice now, we will assuredly get our answer. And in the event love returns, and stays, we can rest knowing we will never have to let go of it again. We will only need to nurture it, express it, share it and hold it as the most valuable possession on earth. Just like it’s supposed to be.

NOTE: Please do not use or distribute this photo, the words are mine but the image is not.

Seasons of the Heart: Never Stop Believing…NEVER

So, I’m driving down the road seatbelt snug around my big coat clutching my steering wheel with gloved hands, anticipating the increasing warmth of the heater as it rises with each mile. Just the other day it was in the 70s and now it below freezing again. Argh! So ready for Spring…before leaving the house this morning I heard that the temps weren’t going to rise anytime soon and we had at least 1-2 inches of rain on the way. While some might have gasped in dispair, I actually got a little happy: THANK GOD IT’S NOT SNOW!! Woo-hoo! Guess it’s all in how you look at it. I know Spring is close. We’ve been blessed with a few glimpses; the bigger blessings are yet to come. Just hold on. It’s worth the wait.

I’ve been thinking lately, the seasons of earth so match the seasons of our hearts. We have times of planting (Spring), times of tending/nurturing (Summer) and times of harvest (Fall), then times of hibernation/rest (Winter). No wonder I hate winter so much…no wonder some people move to areas where there is none. While some thrive in winter, I don’t. I just get by. That’s it. I hate the bland, dead appearance of the landscape: a boring, lifeless palette of every shade of brown, grey and white. The ground hardeneds like stone and all but the pine trees are barren, practically stripped of their beauty while life bubbles in the other seasons. Winter must be like when Jesus was in the tomb. Cold, dreary, heavy….but look what happened as a result of that time of hibernation…that time of reflection…that time of rest…

So what’s my point? Well, in life sometimes we have to go through these seasons. Even the bible tells us that in Ecclesiastes 3 – there is a time for everything. Just as a farmer knows he must rotate his crops to maximize the fertility of the soil, so we must experience times of rest, times of reflection, in order to maximize our times of growth. It’s just like having a cold or the flu. We feel like crap, take lots of medicine and get lots of rest; when we start feeling better it’s like being reborn – we get a new appreciation for what it’s like to not have the flu, to just feel ‘normal’ again. If we had no idea what it felt like to not feel good, how could we measure it? If we always settle for convenient love, how can we ever experience real love? How could we ever truly appreciate it? If nothing is ever special, if we never place a value on love, then what is it? Ordinary. Plain. Lifeless. Just getting us by as we clutch onto the season we don’t want to leave…

It just hit me…so many question God as to why they are being put through the pain, the turmoil…the winter. God knows we must experience it to appreciate what He has in store for us. Our winters develop our perseverance. They should drive us to make it to the next season. James 1:2-4. Life must take its’ course if it’s going to amount to anything worthy. What has a runner accomplished if he cheats to win? Nothing. Maybe a temporary high but that soon disapates into nothing because nothing was scarificed in the process. Nothing learned, nothing gained. And neither will we if we do not stay the course. If we settle for what feels good at the moment, we could be sacrificing what feels good for a lifetime.

Don’t allow your heart to reside in a state of winter. Accept the fact that our hearts must experience some kind of winter, yet refuse to allow it to take up permanent residency. Each small blessing leads to a bigger one. If it’s one thing I’ve learned through all the pain: I’ve survived, and I will never stop believing. Believe in something special, accept no substitutes, and eventually it will come to you…you just may have to experience a few seasons first, but I assure you, it’s worth the wait.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” ~ James 1:2-4

A Tugging in my Soul

Life is…well, it just is as it should be right now, I guess. I’ve been asking God to use me as He sees fit, and…He is. So why would I complain? How could I complain? I mean, it’s God, right?? I absolutely love helping others and it inspires me to see them come alive, to see Jesus for all He is, to read the comments, messages and personal notes/texts. I make it a point to always credit it back to God because I do think He is working through me sometimes. I want to share all that He has done for me and all that He is doing for me with those going through hard times. That is the one thing all Christian’s were meant to do – spread the word based on their own testimony. God’s word tells us that we are to reach out to others. (Romans 12:13, Galatians 6:1) As my faithful readers know, I feel this has been my calling ever since I started this blog. I’m bearing my soul so others can grow, too. We are not alone.

 In speaking about Christ, it is important not to misrepresent or use the opportunity to our benefit. It’s about God…period. When we witness to others it’s all about what God has done in our lives. Before ties are created it is imperative to remove yourself. Sometimes God uses us just for a reason or a season…we were never meant to stay. However, when we see our motives shifting, our minds wandering, it is time to act – and act fast. Sadly for me, this means it’s time to walk away. It started innocent enough, the devil enjoyed whispering in my ear how I deserve someone like ‘that’. He tried to convince me that it was innocent to feel the way I did. He got me excited, he inticed me about his qualities and planted the seed of good motives in my mind. When I made up my mind to resist, he changed his tune: ‘a guy like that could never be attracted to ‘someone like you’. You’re not worth it. You’re too flawed.’ But honestly, I just don’t care any more. I am definitely flawed – we all are. I know what I have to offer and more so, I know God is still working on me, in me. We all need time to deal with the pain and unfortunately, it seems that fact is often overlooked. People just move onto the next thing and they never give themselves time to heal. I’ve had this image today of a broken heart and it’s jagged edges. Would you give that heart to someone? No. Because it needs time to heal. God can smooth out those edges. And God will bring people into our lives to guide us, to encourage us – yet we must be on guard because the devil will try to sabotage it. He will try to turn around the good and bring his own tools of self destruction into our lives.  But God can turn all bad things into good to serve His purpose. Follow His will and you’ll see.

It’s a fine line and hard to define. Sometimes I have no clue what I’m doing. The path gets hazy, the mind becomes a playground. There is no blueprint to this walk. There’s no big arrow pointing “<– THIS WAY –>”. Faith is believing in that which is unseen. It’s not easy, but it does get easier. I see I’m bouncing back quicker now. I’m seeing God revealing things to me about myself. So, when there comes a time when we must walk alone, it’s only to heal so we can move forward more effectively in life and truly heal from the pain we’ve put ourselves through and avoid repeating that pain in the future.

He is preparing my heart for real love. For now, this journey is between me and God. After passing the tests, there are rewards. And I want my rewards more than I want instant gratification…I’m in this for the long haul because, like Job, I never plan on returning. My heart is being sculpted into something that a true man will never want to return, by a Man who truly knows the definition of love in all senses of the word. Besides, if God isn’t in it, I don’t want it. He’ll just have to let me know when I’m ready.

If God wants something or someone in your life, you will know it. Right now, for me, nothing is clear…except that I need God more than I need anyone else.

“When Gods people are in need, be ready to help them.” Romans 12:13

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

“Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.” Galations 6:1

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Love

 ¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Dark Before the Morning

It’s after 11pm and I just have to write. I have to get this out. I did a music study tonight – the kind you get paid for. Basically we listened to 2-3 second hooks of music and rated them on a dial from 1 to 100. Simple right? Well, think of this, I’ve been listening solely to Christian music for some time – over a year. I’d say in the past year, 10% has been secular. When I started seeing my special friend I started listening to some secular again (first clue) – he would send me titles and I’d look them up or they were old and I knew them. I burned a couple CDs for him – realizing his music style, I snuck some Skillet in there. He loved “Monster”…go figure. Anyway, I have to be careful listening to secular music. The words can make you feel worse and it can really tear you down – and for someone like me who is already tettering on depressed, the right, or wrong words could push me over the edge. Well, it did tonight.

About half way through (1.5 hours) and just 3 short seconds of a song he said reminded him of me – I start crying. “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon. Love that song… If you listen to the words, it did describe us and probably perfectly describes what he thought of me, just like “Monster” describes the turmoil he felt inside for doing what he knew he was doing – seeing two women at the same time and deceiving us both. He did use me. It didn’t phase him at all – he has no regrets…I don’t even think he realizes what he did was wrong. That makes me feel so low to know everything was a lie – to know I gave myself to someone who only cared about what I was willing to give. I was only willing to give because I took his words as truth. I’m worth so much more than that and I can’t believe I feel so…low. He’s the low one. How can people be like that? How do people use other people and not give a crap about their feelings? How can people be so heartless? I know I’m suppose to forgive and let it Igo. I know I need to feel this and I know it will get better, but what do I do with myself while I’m sitting in the remnents of this storm?? What do I do with myself while I’m in the pit of this darkness? All I can see sometimes is the pain and destruction that was left behind. He didn’t even apologize…he blamed me – can you believe that?? Told me I was the one going to hell. Ha! That boy has serious problems. At least I’m not drowning in denial. At least my heart is not blackened. At least I’m refusing to circle around that same, familiar mountain.

I keep reminding myself it will get easier. I do good for awhile, then it’ll just hit me. Inside…I die every day. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to build a wall – that’s not healthy. I still want love – I still want to believe that generally, people are good inside. Lately, it seems I get flustered easy. I just wish God would hurry up with this healing – and that makes me feel guilty. I know it’s a process. It takes time. TIME! My enemy and my friend. I guess I need to blog about it so everyone sees that once you decide to follow God it doesn’t mean it’s instantly and forever flowers and rainbows. THIS IS HARD! I could easily escape this pain – it’s not like I haven’t had the opportunity to jump into another relationship, but dammit, I want something real. And I know I’m not ready to love fully, because inside, I’m just not single yet. God is the only one who can guide me towards that. Until this hole in my heart is repaired, I cannot love competely. And I do not want another bandaid – I do not want to be ‘tied over’. I want real, no matter the sacrifice.

So now what….Heck. I don’t even know. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Maybe I need to break away from all the technology and swim in my bible. Maybe I just need to sit in the silence of nothing and feel this awful pain for all it’s worth. Let God do a work in me. But I feel like I have to do something. Sounds like fun, huh? What I don’t get is, my life is generally good: love my job, bills are paid, kids & family are healthy, great friends, great church – I have no wants. I lack for nothing. But my heart…my heart is so hurt…so wounded. All my life, since I was a litle girl, all I’ve ever wanted was love, but the only love I’ve experienced is selfish love – a love for self, not others. A love with conditions. A love lined in eggshells. Not a Godly love.

I’ll get over this…don’t you worry about me. Pray for me, but don’t worry. I’m in good hands, God hands. As I’m driving home, this song came on. There are things I can’t see – things are happening to bring a better ending. I’m on the right path and no one said this path would be easy. Walking with God is the hardest most rewarding decision you can make in life. And someday…when I finally see the bigger picture, I’ll be sure to paint it for everyone to see. I promise. I’m just a willy worm all wrapped up in it’s coccoon…I’ll be a beautiful butterly someday. Wait and see. This is just the dark before the morning.

Slow Fade

So. You have someone new entering your life. Maybe you see signs that they aren’t good for you, but you want to excuse them…pass it off. You are naturally attracted to them and it appears you have the same direction, the same desires. Maybe the devil gets in your mind and whirls it around so much that you cannot differentiate if it is of God, of Satan or of you. Well, here’s one basic principle I’m learning to stick to: judge the fruit, not the motive. The verses below may speak more about prophets but I think it can be related to any one in our lives. We should not judge – the bible is very clear on that, but this passage shows us that if what one produces in life is not ‘good’ we have the right, and the authority to steer away from them. Someone may have a great talk, a great walk, but what are they producing? Words are easy. Actions are easy, but you can’t fake what you produce in your life. Be careful my friends, because it’s easy to believe in someone. That’s what we want and we want it so bad. Once soul ties form, the bad ones are like prison chains compressing your lungs, blinding your eyes and binding your heart. You will struggle to break free. Do the work up front before investing too much of yourself, before you can’t break free. 

No one likes change, but freeing yourself from soul ties is much worse. This is really laying heavy on me. I see it more than I ever thought existed. Matter of fact I didn’t realize it existed because I was living it. If you find yourself hurt over a past relationship, give yourself time to heal. Too often we jump from one relationship to another. We profess to be over that person but deep inside, the pain is there. We think finding someone else will make the pain go away but it only masks it. The wounds have not had time to heal. A new relationship is merely a band-aid. That old hurt will resurface and it may take new form. You go to the dentist for a toothache, a doctor for a body ache, but you go to God for a heart ache. Let God work in you for awhile. Be still. Let it hurt, let it sting. It will be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. I can tell you from experience that it’s hard. You may feel lonely, scared, hurt…tears may come out of nowhere sometimes, but it’s a heck of a lot better than jumping into another relationship and compounding that hurt with more.

We all want love. It’s in our human nature, and some of us will do anything to not be alone. But God may not be bringing you that special someone, because you aren’t SINGLE yet! Not in your heart – where it counts. You will carry that residual hurt with you where ever you go until you come to terms with it. Like a disease, it will lay dormant for a time. Just like wolves, some feed on that. They see the desperation; sometimes because they can relate to it and others because they see what they can get from it. They are attracted to it. Be leary of the wolves in sheeps clothing. Not everyone is good for you. Standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car just like standing in a church doesn’t make you a Christian. Your fruit does that – your fruit speaks for you. If you keep attracting losers, it’s you who has some serious work to do. I know I do. I’m putting on the new me, but that old me is still there…slowly fading. And the more I’m learning about the new me, I’m not going to miss her at all. 

A Tree and Its Fruit

 ¹⁵“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. ¹⁶By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

 ²¹“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²²Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ ²³Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ ~ Matthew 7:15-23

 “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” ~ Proverbs 12:26

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” ~ Proverbs 27:17

“For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” ~ 2 Timothy 4:3

The Ties that Bind

Wow. What a past few days. I fully understand spiritual ties. I thought I did before but now I’ve lived it. Spiritual ties are the connections we build with someone when we spend time with them, get to know them and get closer to them. Such ties are created with sex, commitments, vows, and agreements. If anyone has ever been told ‘I love you’ just to be dumped knows what I mean. We mourn the loss of those ties from deep inside…the same place where our spirit lives. Spiritual ties are a must in marriage, yet premature and/or unhealthy spiritual ties can damage our growth and our health…and they can create a lot of pain and regret.

When in a close relationship, we come to rely on the words of the other person; we base our life and the foundation of our relationship on that knowledge. We trust them, and to truly expand the relationship, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, transparent. In a marriage these ties are necessary in order to unite the couple. (Ephesians 5:31, Mark 10:7-9, 1 Corinthians 6:16) When vows are recited they are intended to be upheld. No wonder the vows of marriage have faded; people use these words so carelessly anymore, they unknowingly create and build ties that are intended for married couples; belittling the seriousness of these words and actions only makes separation inevitable and detrimental to everyone involved, including the children. Binding words such as these should be treated more like a contract not a passing fancy. This is why sex is supposed to be enjoyed after marriage. The marital bedroom is sacred; it further solidifies the spiritual ties – the promises, vows and commitments –  between the couple. Who hasn’t cried over a lost love and felt additional hurt because of the sexual or intimate memories? Many of us carry this kind of baggage…

For those who uphold the true premise of love, spiritual ties are a requirement, but for those who abuse this principle, the pain lays in wait…it’s only a matter of time. When it’s a bad relationship, these spiritual ties create a bond that makes it harder for God to move or for us to move effectively. Bad spiritual ties create an environment for the devil. They lead a person to accept various forms of abuse without even knowing it. Women especially tend to accept faults, unable to break free from these ties that bind. In a marriage, these ties are necessary but in an ungodly relationship, they create a bridge to even more sin, pain and manipulation. I did some research as I was writing this and found a great website that explains spiritual ties and how to break them. Check it out here. “A soul tie can serve many functions, but in it’s simplest form, it ties two souls together in the spiritual realm. Soul ties between married couples draw them together like magnets, while soul ties between fornicators can draw a beaten and abused woman to the man which in the natural realm she would hate and run from, but instead she runs to him even though he doesn’t love her, and treats her like dirt.”And folks, this is what happened to me.

My “special friend” ended up not being so special. All the promises, all the words, the intimacy, my understanding that we were trying to get right with God…all the ties…were lies…deception. I ended up discovering that he was already in a relationship for two months before we met. It started with that tugging in my gut – I’ll blog about this next, but sometimes our ‘gut’ is really our spirit warning us of impending danger. When the first signs surfaced, I confronted him and tried to understand, but with a liar you cannot converse. “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” ~ Proverbs 15:2. He knew what I had been through, he heard the pain in my voice as I had shared some of it with him, but he was only after his own satisfaction. He knowingly participated in creating these spiritual ties….but they meant nothing to him. And I was the one left in the darkness of his folly.

I was in such a familiar darkness trying to discern lies from truth. I prayed so hard…harder than I ever have in my life. I was at such a low…I wanted to escape the reality of the pain so bad. While I had no desire for drugs…at one point, I literally wanted to die…yet I did not give up. I reached out to God with both hands and a pleading heart. I prayed and read and talked to my spiritual counselor. Time is God’s. I sure wish He would’ve hurried the healing but everything is in His time, not ours. There were things I needed to see about him, about myself. Finally, through the lies and the pain, the Lord spoke two very clear words to me. “Do nothing.” WHAT?! I couldn’t believe it! The next 24 hours was unbearable. Then, He shined a bright light for me. I was shown things. I was going to get closure and truth from only one person: his girlfriend. Right or wrong, I contacted her …let’s just say he was surprised to see us together. “A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.  A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.” ~ Proverbs 18:7-8.

He contacted me the next day trying to convince me that telling her was wrong, said he’d hold the gates of hell open for me. “A man’s own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD.” ~ Proverbs 19:3. I know it hurt for her to hear it. But I had already asked for God’s forgiveness if doing so was against His will…yet, I honestly don’t feel it was. God don’t like ugly and He sure didn’t like looking down on me, His child, suffering in undue grief. My heart and soul are still now. I have peace. I know I did right. My motives were not to ‘stick it to him’. I didn’t contact her with the intention of hurting her or anybody else, I contact her to present the truth and to discover it as well, to cut the ties that bind since he couldn’t do it himself. He tangled two women and nine children in this nasty web, not to mention other family members who will be touched by it. Did I enjoy his shaking and discomfort? You’re damn skippy I did, but…I actually feel for him.

I know he is consumed with sin, pain…and rage. The devil is having a hay-day with him. Maybe we haven’t been so callus, but we’ve all been there at some point in our lives, struggling with desires of the world, wanting it our way. I tried to support him, help him…love him, but he was deceiving me the entire time. I think the book honestly touched him; he just couldn’t resist keeping me in the lurch. I was a toy he was keeping on a shelf for whenever he wanted to play with me and my words made him feel good. How cruel. Then again, maybe the book meant nothing to him. Maybe he preyed on my faith as a way to escape as he knew I was closing in on discovering who he really was just prior to our break up. God have mercy on his soul if that’s true. But I’ve let go. I pray he knows that there is hope for him – that now is the time for true change. He can still be who God wants him to be…who he pretended to be. He needed this dose of reality just as much as we did. It didn’t have to be this way but he needed a smack of truth. (Proverbs 18:7-8) He can’t keep going around hurting women just to satisfy his own desires, covering up the emptiness he can’t face. Saving him is God’s job. I quit. The good news is, God never gives up on us, not even in our darkest hour which we sometimes create ourselves. But we have to repent and repentance doesn’t just mean remorse it means change. I knew in my spirit, THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. And now…it has…for all of us. We are each free to decide where we go from here. Two paths lay ahead of each of us: one leads to repeat sin and pain where we blame and hate, while the other leads to relief through our loving God where we truly forgive and repent. It is what it is and the deception is over. At least for me.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ~ Ephesians 5:31

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” ~ Mark 10:7-9

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” ~ 1 Corinthians 6:16

“He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.” ~ Proverbs 5:23

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” ~ Proverbs 15:2