This morning I slept in as much as I could and man did it feel good. I did get up for a little while but was fortunate to have the ability to drift back off to sleep, not having to leave the warm confines of my bed except for a quick excursion to the bathroom. I figured I’d get accustom to sleeping late by the time my vacation was over. Mission accomplished.
I finally decided to rejoin the real world around 2:00p. (Nice, right? Don’t be jealous.) I submerged myself in the hottest bath my skin could endure and allowed my mind to wander. I kept going back to my Mom. Not sure why…I don’t really give it much thought anymore. It’s commonplace for me to have fleeting thoughts about her. I know I’ll always have a part of me that misses her, yet the adult part of me always knew she would go first. That’s the natural cycle of life. We are supposed to outlive our parents. I would much rather mourn her passing then for her mourn mine. And I don’t really mourn losing her anymore…she’s in a better place and she no longer hurts; no longer has the burdens of this world. She left behind a legacy of lessons and displays of love that no one can erase. In my heart, I know she continues to have a great soul and surrounds me on occasion just to see how I’m doing and watch over me…thank God she can’t barge in my room and make me wake up anymore.
Anywho, I want to write and amiss the myriad of thoughts and steam, it hits me. All my thoughts finally come together. I see that avocado plant I wrote about before on my window sill. Funny how all the activity is occurring under the water. (I know there’s a word for that but Google failed to pull through; alas, it’ll just have to eat at me all day.) Above the water it still appears as just an ugly, dead brown ball. But it’s not. It’s fully alive, waiting for its time to sprout forth vibrate green shoots. It’ll happen. I know it. Just like my Mom knew it would happen for me. She had this uncanny sixth sense for me. On several occasions she would call me in the morning and ask me if I was okay. Of course, that would be the exact day that something had happened. I would cry and spill my guts as she explained she had a dream and knew it was about me. She never really had any solid answers. Or so I thought. Honestly, sometimes it really ticked me off. How could she know so much but not have the answers?? She would just tell me to love my kids and hang on, that it would all make sense in time. At that time though, those words just cut a little deeper. I didn’t even know myself yet. I was more concerned about the now – what was above the waterline. But, I finally caught on, Mom. I realize you were looking at the inside of what was forming in me…what I was capable of, while I was too busy looking all around me at what was going on – or not going on – oblivious to what was forming underneath it all.
Looking back, I realize life was molding me: growing my roots, so that one day, when it was my time, those green shoots would be healthy, sturdy and strong. I have learned more about myself in the past three years than I ever have. Over my lifetime, I have been to places I never want to return, I have learned valuable lessons…most the hard way. Yet, these last few years, I’ve walked the road less traveled. I’ve carved my own path, learning about myself along the way. I have discovered my hobbies, the things I love to do, the things that make me – me. And I’ve learned that we should not allow anyone to rob us of those qualities. When you meet someone, you don’t stop being you. If you do, you better pack up and start running. Love brings out the best in us, it never subtracts the good.
You’ve heard me say this numerous times, but love isn’t meant to complete us, it’s meant to compliment us. Yet, if you do not know yourself, how can you expect to find that kind of love? We cannot expect someone else to complete our puzzle. That is our job. Love is never selfish, yet it does start with ‘self’. Genuinely knowing how to love ourselves is the key to being ready for love. When you know yourself, you are already complete. That missing puzzle piece is your Self, and once you find that…it just a matter of time until everything else falls into place. It’s just a matter of time until you find that special ‘one’ that enjoys the whole puzzle with you. Then, together you enjoy finding all the ways of how your puzzles fit together. You know what compliments you and what doesn’t. You know what works and what doesn’t. What you want and what you don’t. You are open to a whole new experience of love and realization. I once only dreamt of what real love was like…and let me tell you, I’m beginning to recognize that true love may be even grander than that. True love is not something that can be contained in a dream.
I think that’s what my Mom was trying to tell me. Let the roots grow. Invest in my Self and my kids. As I learn about myself, the dream will naturally transform and materialize on their own, without my help, without my intercessions. Like any rebellious child, it only took me 40 years to listen but I’m so glad it finally sunk in. I finally get it, Mom. Thanks for continuing to be a vital part of my life. Thanks for all those subtle lessons. And thanks for all those extra ‘five more minutes’…and I know…it’s time to turn those weekday alarms back on…then I can go play pool. 😉