In a World Where Everything Changes, Love Remains the Same

 Lately, I find myself getting sad for no reason. No. This isn’t a rare occurrence. I’ve experienced this momentary lag of reason many times over the course of my life. And as the analytical type that I am, I’m always trying to figure out the ‘why’. It is fact that our bodies let us know when it needs water or specific nutrients, (also known as cravings). So if you think about it, it’s not a far stretch to think that our bodies – or our minds – are in need of something when it responds in a way such as displaced sadness.

When I was very young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, I recall very vividly, my mother sitting with her head down on the kitchen table, crying uncontrollably. Scared and confused, I approached her and asked what was wrong. She looked up and me and sobbed, “I don’t know why. I’m just sad.” That moment was forever etched deep within me. It honestly terrified me. I didn’t understand. I remember thinking, how can you be sad without a reason?? Part of me thought she was nuts. As I grew older I realized that she did suffer from depression. I’m sure that was part of it, but having the experiences I’ve had in life, I have a hard time comprehending ‘depression’ as an illness. I think it is self-driven. Let me stop you there. Yes. I have suffered ‘depression’ in my years. But, do I think a pill will fix it? A big: HELL NO. I think getting to the core of the problem is where the remedy lives. Not all things can be fixed, but they have to be accepted. Sometimes we cannot get there alone. We need our closest friends or even a counselor. Until we succumb to doing whatever it takes to get to the root of the fear, we will continue dancing around the fire, and some will continue to fall further into a pit of despair, getting more and more depressed as they convince themselves they are nuts. They aren’t. We aren’t. We’re just human.

It’s human nature to be fearful of change, and change is a major facet of life; you cannot have one without the other. Change is probably the one true constant we can depend on. For some reason we get accustom to a certain way of life and when even the slightest thing changes, we freak out. Eventually, some things will change: jobs, children, relationships, friends, bills…. We busted our asses in school to get a good job just to lose it. We raise our children with the best of intentions just to witness them growing up, making decisions on their own, sometimes as we watch in horror. Experience has taught us the outcome already. We brace for what is to come just as if we were watching an accident getting ready to unfold. But they have to learn on their own. Of course we love them and we don’t want them to hurt, but they are on a new journey and unfortunately as parents, that part doesn’t include us holding their hand. Why do we react in shock as if things are supposed to remain constant? As if life is somehow supposed to be perfect all the time? THAT is living in a fantasy world.

Long ago, I resolved that this feeling of displaced sadness is normal. It kind of threw me off this time, because I couldn’t be happier right now. The last six months has been phenomenal…so, why am I so sad? What is it that my body fears? Then it hits me: unconditional love. I don’t think I’ve honestly ever felt it from someone of the opposite sex. I know I felt unconditional love from my mother, but my Dad is another story. There was always a string attached to things he did for me, and he didn’t hesitate to tell me I’d never amount to shit if I didn’t do things his way. Sad. But true. When I was younger, I walked on egg shells always fearing that if I disappointed those I love, they would leave or say mean things to me. If I didn’t do things right, I would lose it all. It really sucks to feel that your Dad only loves you based on your performance. Don’t worry. I don’t need a therapist. I have come to grips with how I feel about my Dad. I love him, and I know he loves me in the best way he knows how. He’s 82. It’s not going to change. I will never be Daddy’s girl. I’ll never have that precious moment where he dances with me and tells me how proud he is of me. This is just the way he is. He means no harm and he definitely doesn’t want it to make me cry. So I let it hurt for a moment, then I press on. THAT is how I avoid depression: I accept. I mourn. I do what I can, then I move on. I have way too many things to be thankful for. I cannot allow something I don’t have to define me.

Through it all, I see how I’ve harbored this emptiness with my relationships with men. Always struggling to feel accepted, to quiet the fear of being left, to quench the tears of a relationship I never had with my dad. In my past, I have mistaken love for many other things and I’ve allowed this blindness to permit myself to be used, abused and misled. Likewise, my past has taught me to see signs and separate myself from someone. Make a quick exit. Cut my losses. Keep my head about me and my priorities in order. I’ve always known deep down that someday, someone would come around and he would be it. Life is all about learning. And I’ve learned a lot about what love is and what love isn’t.

So what is it? What is my body telling me? Well, I think it has to do with change and with love. My youngest child graduates next month. A lengthy chapter in my life is coming to an end. I realize the fear of their well-being and safety won’t stop here, but my job as a full-time Mother is definitely changing. She’s moving out on her own and even though I’m scared, I’m so incredibly proud of her. And here I am getting ready to move out of the house I’ve lived in for over 20 years to move in with the man of my dreams. Sometimes it seems surreal. I’ve always felt that I would find love, but it is here. Right here. Right now. How do I know that? I can’t explain it. I just do. And here in lies the realization of my fear: maybe I was wrong. Maybe all things don’t change.

Unconditional love is truly the one thing that doesn’t change. It is always there. I have become so accustom to living on guard, walking on egg shells, defending my ground…and I don’t have to anymore. For once, I can breathe. The man who has my heart, truly has my heart. He has all of me. That in and of itself is scary. My body is not use to this and maybe it just needs time to adjust (lol).  I love him with all that I am. I can actually see myself in him. Sounds kinda corny but it’s true. And because of that, it isn’t hard to imagine that he loves me the same way, too…I know he has his own set of fears. Yet, I trust him. Yes. I said that. I fully and completely trust him.

So what do I need? I need to let go of the “what if’s”. I need to leave behind all my fears and the memories that have created them. I need to accept that not all love is like the love of my Dad. I need to forgive me Dad for my loving me how I want him, too and simply accept him for who he is. And I need to remind myself that I deserve to be happy, without the fear of acceptance, or floor of egg shells. I need to continue accepting, mourning, growing and moving forward. I am the author of my biography. Each chapter is better than the next. And in a world where everything changes, love remains.

 

The Village Starts Within Your Own 4 Walls

I’ve had so much I want to write about lately but there always seems to be an excuse. I forget, get busy, can’t remember the main points I wanted to express, or I just plain feel too tired. So, let start with an update….

My youngest turns 18 tomorrow… Yes. I feel it. But it didn’t spring up on me; I’ve seen it coming. She’s always been a good, fairly responsible kid (c’mon, she’s a teenager after all) but ever since she got her driver’s license, I’ve witnessed her independence grow exponentially. She works and goes to school, always concerned with homework being done before bed; consciously packing her course schedule in order to graduate with Academic Honors, planning her career path with counselors and teachers carefully and thoughtfully. While I do have times where I miss my kids needing me on a daily basis, I admit this ‘new’ way of living holds such new excitement for me. C’mon! It’s been 22 years! I’m already experiencing being a parent to ‘adults’ with my oldest son being in the Army and my other son moving there to work on base. We’ve dealt with the ‘first apartment’, the ‘first serious girlfriend’, the ‘first serious breakup’…and I am proud to say, no matter what the issue was/is, they have come to me to talk, to get advice, to vent, to ask for help or to get my input. I’ve always had an open door, open heart policy. It’s definitely a different ball game, but…nice.

Through this I have realized that we never just stop being parents once they ‘come of any age’ – we just parent differently. We don’t demand near as much – cleaning your room is your business so long as you are paying the bills…but that doesn’t mean I won’t suggest a visit to the Laundromat or the value of investing in new kitchen sponges. (hee-hee!) The game is different now. Now we must prepare them for the real world and all its loopholes and rules – like what it means to sign a contract, how to manage a budget, what jobs to accept or turn down, how to know when you are ready for marriage, when it’s time to walk away or how to let go of someone who wants to leave…and so forth. Of all the things I’ve taught my kids to this point, I thought I was doing fairly decent – no one is perfect, but I was feeling pretty good. Then, I was caught off guard by one major, life changing event I thought I had prepared my daughter to avoid…

She came to me as I was going to sleep and confided in me that she thought she was pregnant. She has been on the pill for several years now, she knows better. Right? This can’t be. All I could think of was all the ways we could invalidate a test back in my day: shake it, touch it…a false reading was so common, surely she messed up. I had her take another and it came back negative…**sigh**. Although false, it gave me a sense of peace and I was able to salvage some sleep, yet…I had read the instructions and you are not suppose to over drink in order to ‘take’ the test. I couldn’t help thinking, ‘somehow the 6 positives she had gotten before telling me, HAD to be wrong’.

That morning, we woke at 5:30a…POSITIVE. I cried. What about her future? Her education? I remember all the times I struggled, feeling alone, helpless and out of my league. She is far more than I was at her age, prepared and ready to take life by the horns – a superior student with college goals?? She has everything to excel: smarts, looks, personality, spiritually, education – I called my sister who is 15 years my senior and much like my second mom growing up. She told me, “Angie, think about it this way, you can’t put it back. It’s here. Consider it a blessing.” And THAT was the turning point for me.

This news was not about death, it’s about LIFE. No. It’s not the right time, but thank God we no longer live in an age where the scorned mother has to go hide somewhere until the birth and thank God the Dad is an active and willing participant. Now, let me say straight off that I don’t approve of getting pregnant before marriage – it’s a hard and rocky road for both the parent and the kid. I was lucky. I had very supportive, loving folks. I wouldn’t have made it without them, and in turn, I wouldn’t have been driven to succeed like I have without my kids. I never gave up on them and they’ve never given up on me, and nothing is going to change that. Not only is our family built on love, it is built on determination, courage, strength, and faith. I will support my daughter just like my folks did…even more because I know how invaluable they were to me and my kids. It DOES take a village to raise a child, and that village starts right there within your own four walls. No. I won’t be her on-call babysitter and I won’t bail her out of trouble every time she calls, but I will be there, leading this little village of ours as I continue teaching her, guiding her, loving her and showing her how to fully embrace and enjoy the greatest responsibility and highest degree of selfless love that comes along with parenthood. There ain’t nothing like it. She can do this…I just know it. This, my friends, is a blessing. Thank you Jesus!

(SIDE NOTE: Keeping a baby might not be the best option for everyone. Before deciding, contact a professional who can guide you through the choices so that you can make the best decision for your circumstances. God bless. :))