Keep Believing

Just wanted to share my good news. Dave got a new job in Georgia, so it looks like I’m moving! Be planning on a great blog to get you up to date once we get settled, but for now, please forgive my absence.

To all those who pull inspiration from this blog, just let me leave you with this. I have struggled the majority of my life, being loved and loving the wrong people. I have fallen, scraping my knees down to the bone at times, I have survived on near nothing, I have had my heart beaten, but every time, I managed to get back up and keep fighting, keep believing. Something in me told me he was out there; I couldn’t allow myself to give up. Now, even my dreams weren’t this good. I don’t know how we found each other or what I did to deserve someone I hold so special. I had no idea it would be like this when we first met. We battled our hurdles eariler on which made us even stronger. He makes me smile, he holds me when I cry and he listens when I need an ear. His touch is better than ice cream. 😉 The part that makes us special is, we just fit. He’s my boyfriend, my love, but best of all, he’s my best friend.

There is no recipe to finding love. There’s no quick fix to silencing the emptiness of being alone. I know it sucks, but we must learn to embrace it, even if we don’t like it. I had finally resolved to giving God the time to bring someone special in my life. When in a bad relationship, I quickly removed myself. I didn’t search for forever in every set of eyes. I gave it time and let God and time reveal things to me. And I saw them, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to believe. Don’t make something more than what it really is.

Put yourself first and eventually you will meet the right one. And if not, you will find something even better: YOURSELF. Everything you’ve ever wanted or needed is right there starring you in the mirror. If you do not agree, then what exactly do you plan to offer the one who loves you? Spent time finding that out myself. I’m just me and I love who I am, even if I’m not perfect. Give yourself credit especially for the small thing. Love yourself like you want to be love. Find out what makes you tick. Pamper yourself, even if it’s just a warm bubble bath. It doesn’t have to cost money. DO NOT allow yourself to believe hateful or negative thoughts, whether it’s someone else saying them, or it is yourself you battle. Don’t worry. That’s normal. I still fight with allowing myself to be happy, too. But don’t worry. We will get through it…together 🙂

Moral of this blog post: Love yourself. 🙂

And if I haven’t said it enough: Thank you Lord. Thank you for being here for me and for putting Dave in my life. Thank you for my children and for walking with them even if they don’t see it. Thank you for my family, our health, my renters, everything! Bless Dave and I as we continue our life together in a new state. Bless our finances and help me find a good job quickly. God, bless our relationship as you have continued to bless me. And thank you again, Lord. Amen

See you in a couple weeks!

Just Me….

Just Me

Some days I just want to cry.

Emotions explode, sometimes I know why.

Facing the day, I give it a try.

Smile at the world, head held high.

Inside, invisible, it’s all a lie.

And I’m just me. Just me.

 

If I could open my soul, would you take a look?

Read my thoughts, like an open book.

Would you stop reading or want to know more?

Fall to your knees and hit the floor.

Or maybe run out the door…

But I’m just me. Just me.

 

Fear has followed me throughout the years.

Often disguised beneath sweat and in tears.

My brain it churns like old rusted gears.

Heavy is a heart full of fears.

What a pure heart bears.

And that’s just me. Just me.

 

Letting go is not as easy as it seems,

even wrapped in the arms of the man of my dreams.

You cannot hear yet lest it screams,

Fearing the repetition of heart break schemes,

Or so it seems…

When you’re just me. Just me.

 

Petrified of accosting this wall of pain.

Those before have left their stain.

It’s not what has been lost, but what is to be gained.

And it no longer matters who is to blame.

No. This is not a game.

I’m just being me. Just me.

 

Of my three wishes, this wouldn’t be one.

Yet my experiences are the reasons for who I’ve become.

Fear claws at my confidence yet the fights not done.

Don’t dare count me out when I’ve just begun.

Just gonna be me until this battle is won.

 

I’m just gonna be me. Just gonna be me.

Because that’s all I know how to be…

Just me.

 

~Angela Nichols

8/7/12

Where You Are is Where You Are Meant To Be

May was an extremely busy month: my daughter and I both graduated, moved from the only house we’ve known for 18 years and my boyfriend and I prepped the old house and got it rented in just two weeks. Not to mention, I had a couple photo jobs sprinkled in the mix, too. I was quite happy to see May leave and I’m hoping June will include some much needed R&R.

Anyway, my surroundings are talking to me again. No. Not like that. I don’t have a burning bush in my back yard and inanimate objects don’t speak to me in a verbal voice. (For the record: if I ever met a ‘Mr. Ed’ in real life, I’d flip out.) I just feel a story behind events, whether big or small. Indian’s had this inate ability to ‘read’ the stars and the wind and the…anyway, I firmly believe that our surroundings speak to us; we just get so busy we write them off and don’t bother to analyze them. Sad actually….

I was given a shiffilera plant at work several years ago. Even then, I knew it needed to be transplanted. Stretched out, it towered at least 6 feet tall yet it’s home wasn’t much more than a mere gallon container. For years it thrived in my office and despite it’s small home, continued growing.

I decided to take it to the new house several weeks ago. There, it was given a new container at least 6x it’s previous size. It looked like an old person, bent and twisted; I carefully secured it’s twisted body to garden rods with garden twine to ensure it could handle outdoor living. Then, I patiently and not-so-faithfully watered and waited.

At first it looked like it wouldn’t make it. All but maybe two leaves fell off and it turned sickly green and yellow. It looked like an oddly large and winding stick someone stuck in some ground. I almost threw it away, but fortunately, laziness prevailed. I continued to include it in my periodic watering ritual.

Many weeks later, I noticed that it had freed itself from the twine. I thought maybe I just did a poor job tying it and that the wind had broken my poor excuse of a knot, but it literally busted free and was standing more erect. ‘Interesting’, I thought. And just yesterday, I saw new life, springs of new leaves, shooting out about every inch or so, from the base all the way to the very top. I think she’s gonna make it! And ultimately be more beautiful and lush than it ever was in my little office.

So, what’s the hidden story, you ask? Well, we go through changes like this, too. We are transplanted into new surroundings: a new job, a new baby, a new relationship or maybe no relationship at all. We find ourselves in unfamiliar territory and maybe our leaves wither as well. Maybe the change reveals things about ourselves that we did not really want to see or admit to. But that’s what the change is about: growth. We sometimes have to shed old leaves in order for new leaves to emerge. Often we don’t get exactly what we thought we wanted, but I assure you, we get exactly what we need once we accept and embrace the experience. Before we know it, we are growing stronger than ever before and we are better as a result.

Life is full of change and if we don’t learn to adapt, we only hurt ourselves. You are not alone, so don’t use that as an excuse. Whether you believe or not, God is right there with you. There is no remedy in blaming our surroundings or ourselves. We have to stop shuffling around the same mountain, complaining about this or that. Complacency is not an option. In doing so, we inhibit our own growth and for that, we can be our own worst enemy. We are only here for a moment. Don’t look back in regret. We are where we are for a reason; whether to be still, to move on or to learn more about ourselves. It is just another chapter of life. While good times don’t seem to last, neither do the bad. But we must have them both to complete the cycle. And sometimes, if you truly look back, the bad times weren’t really as bad as they seemed at the time.  There is a purpose.

So, the message is: make the most of your surroundings because where you are is where you are meant to be. Don’t fight change; embrace it. Before you know it, you’ll realize new growth, new breath and a new appreciation for your new surroundings.

In a World Where Everything Changes, Love Remains the Same

 Lately, I find myself getting sad for no reason. No. This isn’t a rare occurrence. I’ve experienced this momentary lag of reason many times over the course of my life. And as the analytical type that I am, I’m always trying to figure out the ‘why’. It is fact that our bodies let us know when it needs water or specific nutrients, (also known as cravings). So if you think about it, it’s not a far stretch to think that our bodies – or our minds – are in need of something when it responds in a way such as displaced sadness.

When I was very young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, I recall very vividly, my mother sitting with her head down on the kitchen table, crying uncontrollably. Scared and confused, I approached her and asked what was wrong. She looked up and me and sobbed, “I don’t know why. I’m just sad.” That moment was forever etched deep within me. It honestly terrified me. I didn’t understand. I remember thinking, how can you be sad without a reason?? Part of me thought she was nuts. As I grew older I realized that she did suffer from depression. I’m sure that was part of it, but having the experiences I’ve had in life, I have a hard time comprehending ‘depression’ as an illness. I think it is self-driven. Let me stop you there. Yes. I have suffered ‘depression’ in my years. But, do I think a pill will fix it? A big: HELL NO. I think getting to the core of the problem is where the remedy lives. Not all things can be fixed, but they have to be accepted. Sometimes we cannot get there alone. We need our closest friends or even a counselor. Until we succumb to doing whatever it takes to get to the root of the fear, we will continue dancing around the fire, and some will continue to fall further into a pit of despair, getting more and more depressed as they convince themselves they are nuts. They aren’t. We aren’t. We’re just human.

It’s human nature to be fearful of change, and change is a major facet of life; you cannot have one without the other. Change is probably the one true constant we can depend on. For some reason we get accustom to a certain way of life and when even the slightest thing changes, we freak out. Eventually, some things will change: jobs, children, relationships, friends, bills…. We busted our asses in school to get a good job just to lose it. We raise our children with the best of intentions just to witness them growing up, making decisions on their own, sometimes as we watch in horror. Experience has taught us the outcome already. We brace for what is to come just as if we were watching an accident getting ready to unfold. But they have to learn on their own. Of course we love them and we don’t want them to hurt, but they are on a new journey and unfortunately as parents, that part doesn’t include us holding their hand. Why do we react in shock as if things are supposed to remain constant? As if life is somehow supposed to be perfect all the time? THAT is living in a fantasy world.

Long ago, I resolved that this feeling of displaced sadness is normal. It kind of threw me off this time, because I couldn’t be happier right now. The last six months has been phenomenal…so, why am I so sad? What is it that my body fears? Then it hits me: unconditional love. I don’t think I’ve honestly ever felt it from someone of the opposite sex. I know I felt unconditional love from my mother, but my Dad is another story. There was always a string attached to things he did for me, and he didn’t hesitate to tell me I’d never amount to shit if I didn’t do things his way. Sad. But true. When I was younger, I walked on egg shells always fearing that if I disappointed those I love, they would leave or say mean things to me. If I didn’t do things right, I would lose it all. It really sucks to feel that your Dad only loves you based on your performance. Don’t worry. I don’t need a therapist. I have come to grips with how I feel about my Dad. I love him, and I know he loves me in the best way he knows how. He’s 82. It’s not going to change. I will never be Daddy’s girl. I’ll never have that precious moment where he dances with me and tells me how proud he is of me. This is just the way he is. He means no harm and he definitely doesn’t want it to make me cry. So I let it hurt for a moment, then I press on. THAT is how I avoid depression: I accept. I mourn. I do what I can, then I move on. I have way too many things to be thankful for. I cannot allow something I don’t have to define me.

Through it all, I see how I’ve harbored this emptiness with my relationships with men. Always struggling to feel accepted, to quiet the fear of being left, to quench the tears of a relationship I never had with my dad. In my past, I have mistaken love for many other things and I’ve allowed this blindness to permit myself to be used, abused and misled. Likewise, my past has taught me to see signs and separate myself from someone. Make a quick exit. Cut my losses. Keep my head about me and my priorities in order. I’ve always known deep down that someday, someone would come around and he would be it. Life is all about learning. And I’ve learned a lot about what love is and what love isn’t.

So what is it? What is my body telling me? Well, I think it has to do with change and with love. My youngest child graduates next month. A lengthy chapter in my life is coming to an end. I realize the fear of their well-being and safety won’t stop here, but my job as a full-time Mother is definitely changing. She’s moving out on her own and even though I’m scared, I’m so incredibly proud of her. And here I am getting ready to move out of the house I’ve lived in for over 20 years to move in with the man of my dreams. Sometimes it seems surreal. I’ve always felt that I would find love, but it is here. Right here. Right now. How do I know that? I can’t explain it. I just do. And here in lies the realization of my fear: maybe I was wrong. Maybe all things don’t change.

Unconditional love is truly the one thing that doesn’t change. It is always there. I have become so accustom to living on guard, walking on egg shells, defending my ground…and I don’t have to anymore. For once, I can breathe. The man who has my heart, truly has my heart. He has all of me. That in and of itself is scary. My body is not use to this and maybe it just needs time to adjust (lol).  I love him with all that I am. I can actually see myself in him. Sounds kinda corny but it’s true. And because of that, it isn’t hard to imagine that he loves me the same way, too…I know he has his own set of fears. Yet, I trust him. Yes. I said that. I fully and completely trust him.

So what do I need? I need to let go of the “what if’s”. I need to leave behind all my fears and the memories that have created them. I need to accept that not all love is like the love of my Dad. I need to forgive me Dad for my loving me how I want him, too and simply accept him for who he is. And I need to remind myself that I deserve to be happy, without the fear of acceptance, or floor of egg shells. I need to continue accepting, mourning, growing and moving forward. I am the author of my biography. Each chapter is better than the next. And in a world where everything changes, love remains.

 

Choices Lead to Chances

This has been on my mind for some time. Figured it was time to blog about it.

It’s simple really: “Our choices lead way to our chances.” That’s it. Think about it. We cannot achieve everything nor can we make everything happen. Yes. Sometimes we get ‘lucky’ but more often than not, we played a part in being at the right place at the right time. Often, we just need to foster an atmosphere in which those things can grow. We can’t seclude ourselves or hide in a closet. Likewise, we cannot permit ourselves to wallow in our defeats. It may feel impossible, but if you continue thinking you have it rough or that you never catch a break, guess what? You probably won’t. This world can be cruel and rough. There’s no pot of gold at the end of rainbow. It’s going to take a lot more than a hike to discover our treasures here on earth. It’s going to take confidence, determination and an attitude that whatever happens, you’re not giving up.

Remember what I said about hanging out and talking to people who are constantly negative? You’ll get some on you eventually. Be careful who you confide in. If you find yourself not wanting to share news with someone, you better stop and ask yourself why. Will they point out the bad? Will they support a bad decision? Will they encourage you to take another path? Are you confiding in someone just because you know they will support a bad decision?? We are responsible for surrounding ourselves with positive people, starting with ourselves! You may not want to hear their consistently cheery, uplifted voices singing praise for all the little things, but trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than being around someone who has a gift of finding the bad in every situation. It gets tiresome. It’s gets….heavy. It becomes a burden and without realizing it, it starts to rub off.

This may sound odd, but, you don’t alawys have to believe everything a positive person says, or even everything you tell yourself. Maybe you don’t feel today is going to get any better, but tell yourself, ‘today will be better’ anyway. And if it isn’t. Well, you tried. And now…tomorrow is going to be better. (Get it?) Doesn’t that sound like a much better alternative than telling yourself every morning how much this day is going to suck? It would get to the point where you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed and end up a part of that cable commerical on TV reenacting movie scenes with Charlie Sheen. (bahaha!) I mean, really. Life will have its moments of sucking, so let it suck on its own. 😉

I see myself in my daughter…she’s going through a hard time right now. Lots of new responsibilities on the horizon, opportunities and choices at every turn, and a broken heart to boot. Yet I read as she posts words of encouragement on her Facebook page. I know she’s hurting, but she’s keeping her chin up. She had her moment of solace and now, she’s picking up and moving on. She’s making choices that will lead to chances. She’s like a little mini-me. I want to cry because I’m so proud. I know she won’t always make the right decision, but she’s thinking them through, confiding in the right people and she’s making them. She’s not letting life control her, she’s taking control of her life. Even if we don’t believe it, there are powers in our words. Yes. Plural. They can be powers of good or powers of bad. We can expound a view of negativity and constant sorrow, or we can allow ourselves a period of bereavement and move on. It’s a choice…and choices lead way to our chances. (I’m so proud of you sis, and I’ll always be here for you, even when I have to say the things I know you don’t want to hear. Just like my Mom did for me.)

If we settle for being at the bottom of the hill, we will stay there. If we compromise our happiness by embracing defeat and sadness in the valley, we will miss out on our chance to return once again to the top of the mountain. My boyfriend told me the other day, “the mountain isn’t so scary for a climber.“ So, BE that climber. I’m not saying you can’t be sad, can’t have a bad day, what I’m saying is, don’t permit yourself to stay in the valley. Take life for what it is: a series of lessons and tests, a roller coaster of ups and down. Don’t fool yourself in believing it’s easy for anyone and more importantly, don’t give up…don’t let chances get away.

 

NOTE: I wrote this is a hurry so forgive me for not editing and revising. I just wanted to get this posted…I had the chance, so I took it 🙂

Oh. And as I write about my daughter, I realized, it’s my mother’s birthday. She’d be 81…wow. In 2001 she had a stroke that paralyzed her entire left side. Two years later, on Easter Sunday, she passed away. That day I lost my top advisor, my biggest skeptic and my #1 fan, but I am comforted, and motivated, by the thought that she continues to surround me, looking down and smiling on me from time to time. I hope she sees all the things she taught me. Not only with the words she said, but by the way in which she lived. More importantly, I hope she sees how I’ve carried that love, confidence, devotion and determination to my daughter. ❤ Happy birthday, Mom. 🙂

Standing in the Rain

So, usually I have some type of epiphany that leads to a post, but not today. Today I just want to write. A lot has been going on lately and at times I just feel plain overwhelmed with it all, but, then there’s that still small voice that reminds me to stay calm, stay on track, be focused and keep trudging forward. Eventually there comes a moment where I can pause and look back…I made it!

It’s hard to watch our kids grow up; they know everything…ironically, just like we did at their age. Gone forever are the days of being a youthful sponge and “I can do it” transforms into “I’m gonna do what I want.” Sometimes it’s like watching a wreck as it unfolds. There’s nothing we can do but just wait it out and pray they are wearing their seatbelt.

In this phase of life we find a new appreciation for the endurance our parents had with us. But, we had to learn in our own way, on our own time. Our parents kept faith in us, or at least tried, and they surrounded us with prayer – in kind, we keep the faith, no matter how hard it gets. We remain at their side in some fashion, no matter how distant…even if they don’t realize we are still there.

This is the cycle of life. Up. Down. Pause. Reflect. Repeat….just maybe not always in that order. (lol!) Life is like a rose garden: full of beauty, demanding of work and dotted with thorns.  We’ve all heard the phrase ‘life’s downs are temporary’, but I’m here to tell you, the ups are temporary, too. That’s why we are supposed to enjoy them to the fullest. We can’t have all sunny days – how would the grass grow? How would the trees provide shade? What would we have to drink? The rain is necessary. The sun cannot always shine, yet, it can’t always rain either. Life is a series of balancing acts. A series of ups and downs, decisions and reflections, joys and sorrows. Just as the rain rejuvenates the Earth, so do our troubled times. They help us grow as humans. They challenge our perceptions and keep our brains in motion. And we will continue to grow no matter our age, no matter our status in life. Maybe that’s why in times like these, I miss my Mom…

Yeah. I actually find that funny. My Mom was a very compassionate person, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes when I would call her she’d simply tout, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”  Loving? No…and yes. That’s what I needed to hear sometimes. Often we put ourselves in positions that no one other than ourselves can dig us out of. And I’m a firm beliver that when we do the work, we appreicate it a hell of a lot more. I may not have gotten showered with hugs and kisses or ‘I love you’s’. I may not have always received the best advice, but it made a huge difference knowing she was simply, ‘there’ for me. A sounding board if you will, yet…sometimes she got me out of a bind when she shouldn’t have. She listened too long and helped me too much (yes. That IS possible.) I accept my fault in that..it only hurt us both: prolonging the lesson for me, and the pain she must have felt as she helplessly watched the wreck unfold. Yet, I’m better for it now. I finally did ‘get’ it. And hopefully, someday we each ‘get it’ on our own accord just like I did.

This reflection reminds me that I just need to do the same: be there even when what I have to say or do is tough.  Listen but don’t enable. Encourage but don’t demotivate. Love but don’t smoother. My Mom did the best she could with what she knew and that’s all I’m trying to do. Ican  humbly admit that I am not perfect – nor do I expect to ever be – but I am the best ‘me’ I know how to be. Our goal in life should not be the pursuit of perfection, rather, to do the very best we are each capable of. I can’t fix it for them; I can’t always pick them up. All I can offer is my love, my advice, my shoulder or my ear…whichever is more appropriate at the time. My Mom taught me it’s not always best to throw out a life raft or spread out our wings for shelter. Life has a cycle that we each must experience on our own. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I’m not here. And it definitely doesn’t mean I love you any different…we just each need a little time, standing in the rain.

Alone Together

Didn’t expect to write today, but you know how it goes. I’m hit by something that won’t let go. I’m not sure where this is going but I am led to write about it, so, without further ado…

At work, I have to walk through the library in order to get to the bathroom. I’m so use to the smorgasbord of books stacked to the rafters, yet being an avid reading, I tend to scan the spines for titles as I whisk by. Today, on the new release shelf, one title jumped out at me “Alone Together”. Oddly, I wasn’t motivated at all to know what the book was about, rather, I was intrigued at the many ways that title could be digested.

I like it: “Alone Together”. How often do we go through hardships and bumps in life and feel so utterly alone? A lot. More than we care to remember and often more than we prefer to share those insecurities with others. It is in our silence that we suffer best. Yet there is nothing that you are going through alone, even if you chose to not share it with anyone. Someone out there understands. I could not have overcome a lot of tragedy in my life had I not reached out to someone. Even now as I wade through the scars of life, I am alone, but I have my friends, and more importantly, my significant other. The process of learning about ourselves never ends. And the decisions we face separately are ours alone, but we are in them together. This is the process in which we learn about each other and support one another as we grow as individuals.

‘Alone Together’ to me means: we are a team. We are in this together. Not to make decisions for the other but to talk it through and be there in the process. Being together as a team means you know me better than most: my flaws, my imperfections, my strengths. But if you want someone to know you like that, you have to share with them the good, the bad and the ugly. There’s a difference between knowing what someone is willing to share and truly knowing someone. Tell me the truth, even when it hurts and I will do the same. It reverts back to my philosophy on relationships, and I mean any type of relationship – communication is a key. Without it, any relationship will suffer. And communication isn’t one sided. It is not designed as a platform in which to complain or place blame. With healthy communication both parties may not always agree, but they do always listen. Without judgment. Supportive. Reciprocated. That’s why we should take care in choosing our relationships wisely because communication strengthens and supports a bond.

Don’t let yourself get stuck on the alone part. You don’t have to carry the burden by yourself. Confide in a friend, confide in a counselor, confide in a parent. Sometimes it’s incredibly hard for us to see any other angle of a situation because we have been so focused on the problem at hand, yet by opening up to others we can shed new light into a situation that we otherwise would not have imagined. A fresh set of eyes is always helpful. Yes, it is up as to us what paths we take but we need to keep in mind, those choices impact others at some point whether immediately realized or not. And while all the opinions in the world are nil compared our own, it is important to share our feelings with someone. Hiding how you feel only creates more problems. It harbors a mystery that can be easily mistranslated essentially strengthening the sense of ‘alone’. Maybe something you have been worried about, isn’t really a worry at all. Don’t keep it locked inside. Talk it through. In the process you will find that by doing so, you strengthen the together factor and alone isn’t quite as scary as it used to be.

Resist the Path of Least Resistance

Oh, my dear invisible blog reading friends, it’s been awhile. My apologies. But, nevertheless, I am back. And again, I find myself pondering which topic to write about. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately so I figured it best to let the creative juices flow via my keyboard. I’m not sure where this is going so, pour a little more coffee, put the phone on vibrate and enjoy the ride.

Isn’t it amazing how life can be going along just as decent as you please, then all of the sudden you are side swiped by an event you never saw coming? It happens to all of us. Life is full of brick walls that must be torn down or climbed. Being a parent is not a requirement, but in times like these, you better buckle your seat belt because it will rock your world in unfathomable ways.

Not just my daughter, but one of son’s has given cause to buckle said belt lately. I don’t want to go into specifics, but let’s just say we don’t wish these things on anyone. It’s easy to shower a child with love and even easier to make excuses; it’s when the parenting becomes a job that many fail or fall short. You cannot love them out of their predicaments, and unfortunately, they cannot always learn by example: they have to experience it themselves. Sadly enough, sometimes in witnessing these choices we are reminded of our own poor decisions in youth and we discover a new appreciation for our own parents…something that for me has occurred quite frequently throughout my ‘adulthood’.

We can fall prey to becoming the enabler – which is the worse thing for them and everyone involved. No one wants to watch someone fall, especially a parent, but sometimes we must. If we continue to throw in the proverbial life preservers we are only preserving the action that got them there in the first place. If they never experience consequence for their actions, the lesson is never learned. Life is a series of tests that we will take over and over again until we learn them. And even then, we will have surprise pop quizes to ensure we have retained what we’ve learned. (Ain’t life grand?) We can repeatedly instill in them basic morals and concepts but it’s up to them to ‘get it’. Some will get it when they are children, others well into adulthood…some never. But that’s not up to us. We are responsible only for our own actions. In being role models in living out our philosophies.

We have now what we call a generation of entitlement: “I want it. I get it.” They don’t deserve or earn these privledges or materials but they get them anyway. And who is to blame? Parents? Society? The percentage of children with phones, games, and name brands is expotential compared to any generation before. I get it that we want to spoil our children, but come on! Some things need to be earned. If ‘Johnny’ is failing at school, the last thing he needs is a vehicle to puruse the streets as he wishes.

And what happen to discipline? The metal locker hallways amplifying the echo of a paddling was terrifying to me as a student. Sure. I had “Attention Deficit” but that paddle was much more effective than any form of medication. Not to mention the price I would pay when I got home if I had gotten into any trouble. That paddle was nothing compared to what my father was capable of. What do we have now? Oh. That’s right. Detention. Oooh. I’m scared. Whatever.

I’m not saying we have to be hard asses to our kids, but what I am saying is: we have to demand respect as parents FIRST. I could care less if my child considers me their friend if I don’t have their respect as their mother FIRST. No. I’m not perfect. Some of my choices flat sucked but I’ve done and am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have. So did my folks. They did things I didn’t agree with and I have resolved to never be like that. But that’s how it works. We are supposed to take that knowledge from our childhood and use it to improve ourselves when it is our time to be the parent. That’s the natural cycle.

I guess I’m just trying to encourage other parents like myself to resist the path of least resistance. Yeah. The easy road feels much less stressful at the time, but I’m telling you, if you travel down this path thinking it’s going to be all pavement and straightaways, you are only kidding yourself and as a result inevitably hurting those you love the most. That road ahead is full of potholes that take much more effort to repair and bridges that once burned, can be near impossible to rebuild. Anything worth having is worth working for and that includes parenthood. Buckle your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

Screaming in Silence: Allowing the Inner Child to Cry

Funny how I can be thinking of what I want to write and no sooner do I sit down and start typing, something else comes out. Sometimes it sucks to come face to face with ourselves, but some times that the only way we can truly grow. Being transparent isn’t easy…especially in the mirror, but it sure is enlightening. Oh, well. Guess this was what I was suppose to write about. So…here goes.

Oh, the holidays…joyous days filled with frolick, family, smiling faces, and cheerful music. Sounds great, right? But oh, how I’ve grown to despise this time of year. Over the years, all holidays have done for me is add weight to an already overflowing mind. I try to look at it as any other day. And I think I’m over it until I start writing about it and the emotions just start flooding back. I know other’s have this holiday heaviness. So…I guess it’s time to be transparent and just write about it. I tell people bits and pieces of this story and then shrug off the implication that it was really ‘that’ bad, but it was…it impacted me for a long time…and it still haunts me on occasion. Holidays – and my childhood – have been instrumental in teaching me that if you don’t expect anything, when you don’t get it, it won’t matter.

Growing up in a large family of 10, you would think this time of year is naturally full of family memories and traditions. But. It’s not. Sad, but true. We do spend Christmas’ together but Thanksgiving, that’s another story. I do good to even speak to a family member during this time. It all started many years ago – I’d say mid 1990’s – I hugged each of my kids as they piled into their dad’s car for an extended weekend stay. Back in the house, I bounced over to the phone to call Mom and check what time I should come out for Thanksgiving dinner. Inspecting my contribution to the festivities in the oven, the phone rang and rang. No answer. That’s odd. I called my sister who, to my shock, informed me that they were in New York visiting my other sister. WHAT?? Why didn’t they tell me? And more importantly, what now??

My mom had vocalized her growing detest for Thanksgiving. Starting on the eve of the holiday, my mother would toil away for hours in the kitchen making the best of the best, only to have everyone come out solely to eat and then move onto their inlaws house. She wanted more time for visiting, a small concession for sweating over the stove. I can’t blame her. Yet, I didn’t have inlaws. I couldn’t imagine our family not breaking bread on a day such as this. Besides, without my family Thanksgiving…where would I go?? Well, that year, the unspeakable happened and the answer was Shoney’s…a popular buffet just down the street. Table for one please.

It was hard watching all those families interacting together. I would’ve given my right arm to fight over the last biscuit or to have my brother give me crap about how much I could pile on my plate. For the life of me, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my parents didn’t tell me they were going to be out of town. Could I have really been forgotten?? Surely they didn’t decide to fly out the night before. Knowing my Mom’s innate ability to squeeze a penny, this had to have been planned for quite a while. Nothing hurt more then the reality that I had been forgotten by my own family…not one sibling called me that day…or even that month. Which isn’t out of sorts to begin with. But not even my sister who delivered the blow thought to soften it. I’m sure they were busy with the bustle of their own holiday merriment. And I am sincerely happy and thankful for all my family, however, the little girl inside me was left scared in solitude, screaming in silence.

For a couple years, another lone neighbor of mine and I would cook an elaborate spread for our kids and invite other ‘loners’ to join in our meager festivities. That made me feel awesome, like I was just another toy on Misfit Island; flawed but not alone. I most wanted to be with my kids, if possible, and others who could appreciate life’s simplest blessings. That’s what Thanksgiving is about to me. Always has been, always will be. And a couple years I did accept invitations to dine with other families. It was nice to be a part of someone’s celebration…even if they couldn’t remember my name, yet it was never the same. I actually didn’t expect it to be. I was grateful to be there but honestly didn’t mind being alone. What I craved most was my immediate family. Not turkey, not dressing, just me and my kids. 

Being alone can be tough on any day yet the holidays can serve as a proverbial diving board, plunging us head first into an inescapable confrontation of how we really feel inside: that little girl that absorbed all of life’s blows. There, it is easy to drown ourselves with the ‘what ifs’ and ‘poor mes’. Each cheerful melody on the radio, submerging our frail inner child deeper into the suppressed darkness, cutting off our breath and compressing our lungs. It’s hard to breathe there. The ability to mask this saddness become an art. We pretend to be grown up on the outside. Yes. Certain songs, events or whatever can set us back even on regular days, but the holidays…they are almost impossible to conceal with a smile. …but you know what? That’s just the devil coaxing us into a pit of self pity using what he knows will hurt us the most. We have to remind ourselves that we all have that inner child, and we all have a right to be sad. God said overcoming our trials would be worth it, yet He never said it would be easy. Our most pronounced growth comes from taking the time to learn about ourselves, connect with that inner self and relearn how we have come to percieve things as a result of our experiences. This process can be downright painful…it’s hard to look that little girl/boy inside of us eye to eye, but we must. Some times we need to do an overhaul on our perception. Change the lens in which were percieve life. Some times we even have to change our surroundings completely, least it drain us of our ability to enjoy even the simplest things in life. We have to do what we must in order to understand how we got to thinking one way before we can redirect that idealogy and start creating new, more fulfilling memories. We have to hold that child inside of us and let them know it’s okay to feel bad.

I honestly don’t think we were designed to be alone. It is natural to long for a closeness with someone, even our families; but in life, that just isn’t always possible. Things don’t just happen because we want them to, we all know that. And some times it’s darkest before the dawn. We were not made to never be sad. We were not built to always hold it in. It has to come out at some point to avoid errupting as anger and hostility. That child inside needs to be held. They DEMAND it. Once we realize the cause of our pain, we can work on understanding it and letting it go for good. We need to enjoy EVERY moment we are given and use each opportunity to make memories, even the simple ones – whether it’s on a holiday or not. We have a right – no, a duty – to allow ourselves to ability to feel and validate even the most painful emotions.  It’s ok to admit that you are hurt. No one has to agree with you or give you permission. No one has to say they are sorry. The key is remembering that we cannot permit ourselves to STAY there. Lay it out to let it go. And I’m not saying you should call your best bud and just start laying out all the boo-hoo’s of your life; we should go to a private place, give our worries, disappointments and fears to God. Let that child inside of us feel what they feel. Give ourselves time to mourn. Tell Him what we are feeling and ask that He help us understand and let go of the saddness. Ask that He just hold us. In time, it will happen. That little child will smile.

So, I guess the bigger lesson life has taught me is that if you fall 10 times, get up 11. Life will continue to try and knock me down, but I refuse to let it knock me out. I will continue to expect things, and when they don’t come true, I will just chalk it up to timing, but I will never give in. I will find the lesson in every trial and make the most of everything opportunity in which a new memory can be created, however trivial it may be. And if that little girl inside need to cry again, I’m just going to hug her, give her permission to cry, and remind her it’s going to be alright. I’ll hold you, and one day, we will both smile again.

 

“If you live your Life fully, you will die only once. But if you are scared of every step, fear will kill you everyday.”~Paulo Coehlo

 

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” ~ James 1:12