It’s after 11pm and I just have to write. I have to get this out. I did a music study tonight – the kind you get paid for. Basically we listened to 2-3 second hooks of music and rated them on a dial from 1 to 100. Simple right? Well, think of this, I’ve been listening solely to Christian music for some time – over a year. I’d say in the past year, 10% has been secular. When I started seeing my special friend I started listening to some secular again (first clue) – he would send me titles and I’d look them up or they were old and I knew them. I burned a couple CDs for him – realizing his music style, I snuck some Skillet in there. He loved “Monster”…go figure. Anyway, I have to be careful listening to secular music. The words can make you feel worse and it can really tear you down – and for someone like me who is already tettering on depressed, the right, or wrong words could push me over the edge. Well, it did tonight.
About half way through (1.5 hours) and just 3 short seconds of a song he said reminded him of me – I start crying. “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon. Love that song… If you listen to the words, it did describe us and probably perfectly describes what he thought of me, just like “Monster” describes the turmoil he felt inside for doing what he knew he was doing – seeing two women at the same time and deceiving us both. He did use me. It didn’t phase him at all – he has no regrets…I don’t even think he realizes what he did was wrong. That makes me feel so low to know everything was a lie – to know I gave myself to someone who only cared about what I was willing to give. I was only willing to give because I took his words as truth. I’m worth so much more than that and I can’t believe I feel so…low. He’s the low one. How can people be like that? How do people use other people and not give a crap about their feelings? How can people be so heartless? I know I’m suppose to forgive and let it Igo. I know I need to feel this and I know it will get better, but what do I do with myself while I’m sitting in the remnents of this storm?? What do I do with myself while I’m in the pit of this darkness? All I can see sometimes is the pain and destruction that was left behind. He didn’t even apologize…he blamed me – can you believe that?? Told me I was the one going to hell. Ha! That boy has serious problems. At least I’m not drowning in denial. At least my heart is not blackened. At least I’m refusing to circle around that same, familiar mountain.
I keep reminding myself it will get easier. I do good for awhile, then it’ll just hit me. Inside…I die every day. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to build a wall – that’s not healthy. I still want love – I still want to believe that generally, people are good inside. Lately, it seems I get flustered easy. I just wish God would hurry up with this healing – and that makes me feel guilty. I know it’s a process. It takes time. TIME! My enemy and my friend. I guess I need to blog about it so everyone sees that once you decide to follow God it doesn’t mean it’s instantly and forever flowers and rainbows. THIS IS HARD! I could easily escape this pain – it’s not like I haven’t had the opportunity to jump into another relationship, but dammit, I want something real. And I know I’m not ready to love fully, because inside, I’m just not single yet. God is the only one who can guide me towards that. Until this hole in my heart is repaired, I cannot love competely. And I do not want another bandaid – I do not want to be ‘tied over’. I want real, no matter the sacrifice.
So now what….Heck. I don’t even know. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Maybe I need to break away from all the technology and swim in my bible. Maybe I just need to sit in the silence of nothing and feel this awful pain for all it’s worth. Let God do a work in me. But I feel like I have to do something. Sounds like fun, huh? What I don’t get is, my life is generally good: love my job, bills are paid, kids & family are healthy, great friends, great church – I have no wants. I lack for nothing. But my heart…my heart is so hurt…so wounded. All my life, since I was a litle girl, all I’ve ever wanted was love, but the only love I’ve experienced is selfish love – a love for self, not others. A love with conditions. A love lined in eggshells. Not a Godly love.
I’ll get over this…don’t you worry about me. Pray for me, but don’t worry. I’m in good hands, God hands. As I’m driving home, this song came on. There are things I can’t see – things are happening to bring a better ending. I’m on the right path and no one said this path would be easy. Walking with God is the hardest most rewarding decision you can make in life. And someday…when I finally see the bigger picture, I’ll be sure to paint it for everyone to see. I promise. I’m just a willy worm all wrapped up in it’s coccoon…I’ll be a beautiful butterly someday. Wait and see. This is just the dark before the morning.