Finding Success in Failures

So, it’s been a super long time since I’ve wrote but something happened today that was well worth writing about.

My daughter is now 23. (Yeah, 23, as in years.) She graduated nursing school in December (so proud!) and took her board exam yesterday. She messaged last night, devastated that she did not pass. Being the Mom I am, I immediately spouted words of encouragement: ‘suck it up buttercup‘, ‘failure is only when you quit tryin‘…blah blah blah…but I could tell it wasn’t what she really wanted to hear at that moment. She was hurting. Sometimes the last thing you want to hear is ‘keep your head up’. Sometimes you’re just hurt and you just need to feel the pain. It was tough, but I shut up, told her I love her, and let her be. Sometimes we need to be mad at ourselves. We need time to reflect…we just aren’t supposed to stay there.

This morning she texted and confirmed she did not pass. My heart wept inside. I sympathized and started with the encouragements: she can try again; not the first to fail. Then she texted something that shocked me “I’m trying to stay positive. I’m surprisingly happier than I would have anticipated.” I assumed she had come to terms with it and was relieved. My girl is not one to give up.

We continued texting and I told her that I’m a big believer that things happen for a reason, even in what appears to be bad. I told her that maybe there is something she needed to learn yet that will help her save a life one day. This is God’s way of making sure she knows it. Her reply? She’s actually happy she didn’t pass – she didn’t want to ‘barely’ become a nurse, she wants to knock it out of the park.

Then I saw that she announced to the Facebook world: “Well folks, I didn’t pass this time around. but I’m staying in good spirits. Some of the best nurses I know had to take the exam twice. I’m just gonna study my tail off and kill it next time.”

Bottom line is, it’s hard as a parent to watch our kids struggle or fail. We want to help them, heal the boo-boo’s, wrap them in bubble wrap and shield them from the pains of the world…but we can’t and we shouldn’t. Sometimes we need to fall. It’s only after a cold that you realize how great it is to be able to breathe without your mouth open. When we fall we learn the most, both about the world, and more importantly, about ourselves. The world is rough; the world is harsh. We are flawed, but we are also resilient. Attitude is truly everything. You can be down on yourself, beat yourself up, but don’t stay there; at some point we need to admit what we did wrong, let it go, and truly resolve to do better the next time. We have to find the light in the dark, even if that means being the one who builds a fire.

I thought I was proud when she graduated, but surprisingly, I’m actually more proud of her attitude after not passing the board exam. It shows she has the ability to turn failure into success; to see the good even in the most painful of times. It shows that she is resilient…mature. I feel confident that when failure strikes again, she will prevail. As a parent, that is one of the best attribute we can hope our children possess: perseverance. The only true form of failure is when we stop trying and she isn’t stopping. That’s my girl!

 

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.

Expanding the Tree

Well. I was woke up early today. Thought it was my alarm and ignored it like I’m programmed to do. Lol. My second grandson, Noah, was born 4 1/2 weeks early. His lungs are under developed but his weight is good: 5 lb 2 oz. Please pray for him to recover quickly.

Little bug, Noah

All this has brought a flood of emotions and tears. It amazes me how we can love something so much before even meeting them. Little Noah looks like his daddy. The majority of our stuff is still packed and stacked in boxes in the garage. Wish I could get to the album that has Noah’s Daddy’s baby pictures in it. I did have a couple on my phone. Mind you, these are pics of pics so the quality sucks, but, the emotions are still there.

  This is all three of my bundles, back in 1993 when my youngest was born. So tiny. 5 lb 9 oz. My kids kept shrinking: 8lb, 1 oz; 6lb 13oz; 5lb 9oz. Lol. I look at this photo and I’m transported back to the hospital on that day. Couldn’t see her the first couple days because I was sick…that was so hard. Amazing how I can transport myself back to that hospital on all 3 occassions. I can recite the hours leading up to their birth, the hours following, but I can’t remember the exact pain. I know it hurt, but I can’t fathom it like I can the emotion I felt holding each one. God does that on purpose. We recall the best, the best. The scars fade, even if we know they are there.

Any who. I keep getting distracted. The point of this blog is just to share the unconditional love of parenthood. The innocence of infancy. The wonderous emotions that come along with being a parent…a grandparent. I look back and I can see all the things I did wrong, but likewise, I can see what I did right. Without my faith, I would’ve gotten no where. I praise GOD for watching over me…and I’m proud of myself for having faith and pulling through the rough times.

I wish my Mom could see this…me being a grandma, my children becoming parents. Her birthday was 4/4, she passed 4/20. Noah wasn’t due until 5/22. I know my Mom would be honored that Noah was born in her birth month. Out of 30+ siblings, neices and nephews, only my brother shares the month with her. And she would just love his name. I know she’s around me, but I’ll always miss her. I guess, what I want to close with is this: today is a day you’ll never get back. Only in memories. So make the most of it. If you regret today, be better for it. And if it filled with a great memory, cherish it. No day is guaranteed. Time has this way of continuing…

 

God, please watch over little Noah and his parents. Bless him and guide the doctor’s so they can ensure his healthy recovery. Tell my Mom ‘hi’ for me. And tell her I’m sorry for all I put her through when I was young and stupid. And thank you, Lord. Thank you. For everything. ~Amen

 

 

 

Seeing the Beauty

So. It’s a gloomy 8:13am in middle Georgia. The sky is spewing rain yet the air is warm. The trees are drenched and the puddles in the driveway expand. Grumbles of thunder loom in the distance. The rain stops and the birds start to sing. A couple of them zoom in on a puddle and start to bathe themselves. Spring flowers dot the landscape, just beginning to emerge with their bright and bold colors; an amazing fragrance fills the air. The green of the trees is enhanced as drips of water hit the moist ground. Then, the rain returns. Life is great. That’s pretty much it.

I guess that’s all I really want to share today: life is great, even though to some it may not appear to be. I am amazed at how great my life has turned out. I’ve had some pretty rough patches. I’ve been knocked down so many times in so many ways, but all that, all that has brought me here, to this amazing time in my life – and I am so incredibly thankful you cannot imagine. No. Things aren’t perfect, but, that’s the beauty of it. Nothing is horribly wrong, nothing is even remotely wrong. There is nothing in my life right now that I fear, and for that I am grateful.

You’ve all heard that life is what we make of it. True, but it goes much deeper than that. If you want something, you have to believe. If you want something, you have to work for it. Ok. Some people don’t work for it, which I think is a shame, because without working for it, you don’t gain the appreciation of having it. This world has become too ‘gimme’. We are a society who feels indebted, as if we somehow earned happiness as a birth right. Well, we haven’t. Some don’t have it as hard, some have it worse. While it may seem unfair, life has this natural balance. It’s hard to ascertain a person’s level of happiness just by looking at them or reviewing their bank statements. We all do it, but stereotyping someone is the biggest fail. Some emotions do not have a face. They are felt so deep inside that they are hard to judge. Just because someone has money doesn’t mean they are happy. Just because someone smiles, doesn’t mean they are happy. Just because someone has ‘things’ doesn’t mean they are enjoying life. Some of the wealthiest people are having the worst time of their lives. Wealth isn’t in ‘things’, it’s inside. That’s what makes us unique. Some people do not look deep inside, the expect happiness to follow them, to come to them in the form of another person. I’m learning that ‘happy’ is a state of mind that starts inside. Peace isn’t the absence of pain or trials, it’s knowing who you are in the midst of it. It’s working for what we want and appreciating who it makes us in the process. For all I have inside, and out, I extend my deepest appreciation.

Thank you, Lord, for watching over me. I ask that you watch over my children and help them to succeed in this life. Show them true happiness that does not fade. Shower them with your unfailing love like You do the flowers and the trees. Thank you for the nuturing you provide my soul. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today, for the realization of what greatness lies within me. Thank you Lord, for the beauty that surrounds me, even if at times I cannot see it as clearly as I do now. Help me to continue to grow and be this person I always knew was here. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me through my faults. And thank you Lord, for the rain, and the sunshine.

~Amen

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I’ve had an urge to blog lately. Fortunately the urge has struck again and I’m at my computer with a little spare time. So, here goes! Hang on…gotta turn Kenny Rogers off…

I think some thoughts are going to come together in this blog…insights will be revealed. We’ll see if I’m right by the end of this. Sometimes the best therapy is to listen: even if it’s just listening to the internal stuff that feels like noise or clatter. Sad that the hardest thing to do is take a little time for ourselves to reflect. I know a higher power works in me because I feel it. Can’t really explain it…but it’s like I know I’m supposed to pay attention; acclimate myself to my inner thoughts and the things that are happening around me. Albeit hard, I know I must allow myself to meditate on it. Since I was young, writing has always been my means of meditation; allowing things to come together. Now, blogging is the way I do that. Funny. Meditation is usually done alone, but I’ve always been able to glean insight by writing. Maybe by sharing it, someone else can gleen insight from mine. Regardless, I’m thankful for those who take the time to read, like and comment; thanks for being a part of this journey into my inner thoughts.

The past couple days have been rough. Early in the week a thorn re-entered the scene and brought back some not-so-pleasant memories. Best analogy I can give is: after you place your hand on a hot stove, you know better than to do it again. Just seeing the coils turn red is enough to bring back those emotions…that pain. Well, my thorn does that to me. It’s a challenge to not be fearful; I become very cautious. While I’ve come to terms with it, life has taught me there are other things that burn as well. I can’t be cautious of everything – nor do I want to – but the bottom line is: memories cannot simply be erased. They remain forever; how I handle it – how we handle them – that can be adjusted, if we take the time. It’s easy to focus on the bad, but we have to give ourselves the tools to let that go. The stove is going to come on, but we don’t need to fear it every time. Find the lesson, learn from it – grow from it – remember it and move on. Sometimes, unfortunately, we forget to remember.

The best way to deal with our feelings is to talk about them. It may be uncomfortable and we may realize some things about ourselves that we don’t wish to admit, but that’s part of growth – without it there is no self improvement. We will remain cautious, fearful. When we talk, our goal should not just be about expressing our feelings, it should also be about understanding them as well. We must be receptive. We have to listen to ourselves as well as the other person. When two people have different views, it takes some time to truly understand another’s view point. They say love is all it takes but I call ‘bull crap’. It takes so much more: honesty, respect, trust, listening, speaking, etc. etc. Unconditional love requires work. Relationships require investment and listening is a big one. Remain mature – taking turns at both talking and listening.

That’s what I love about my other half. We can have a true conversation and we are usually on the same page. But it’s easy when you’re on the same page. We don’t always agree but we do respect each others views, but I think this one time, we failed. We didn’t get on the same page. It was a topic neither of us liked. Out of fear, maybe I didn’t express myself the way I should have, maybe I didn’t stand behind my convictions. He deserves to know how I truly feel, and I need to hear myself say it as well. Maybe he didn’t know how to express himself either. Maybe he knew it was painful and didn’t want me to hurt. So, instead of finding a solution together, we attempted to ‘fix it ourselves’ and avoid an unpleasant topic, but only made it worse. That is just something we accept now and work together to avoid. We must be truthful about our feelings and viewpoints otherwise we won’t really know where each other stands. And even if we stand in different corners, we are still standing together. And together, we can find a middle ground; a mutual understanding.

The week got worse at work. I’m not going to bother trying to explain exactly what happened but I’ll attempt to summarize – I’m a programmer/analyst. I deal with logic. 1+1 = 2; 2+2 =4 every time, all the time. But it wasn’t that way. Things were happening that didn’t make sense. Fortunately for my sanity, others duplicated my issues and understood my quandry. I was officially not going crazy and did not need to fear the need of a straight jacket. A couple issues is fine, but one after the other, day after day…ugh. That can really tax a person. It is day 3 now and some resolutions have been made. It’s hard to find a solution when you cannot identify the problem. Oh crap. Insight #1. Good play, higher power. Good play. I don’t need to fear the coil because we do know the problem now. We just have to work together to find a solution that satisfies both of us, and we are. We did what we were supposed to do. We are on the same page, standing together…in the same corner. I don’t need to worry. This too, shall pass.

But it doesn’t end there. On top of the thorne and work, my computer starts acting up. I Google something and the link takes me to an unrelated site. Yep. I knew it immediately had to be a virus. My other half sacrificed his ‘me’ time in order to help me clean my PC. (Thank you, babe!) After 5+ hours…it still didn’t work. Blue screen of death. He suggested I call Dell tech support in the morning. I will completely SPARE you from that lengthy bit of hell by saying, the world has lost sight of service. It’s about the dollar, not the product nor the people. I was treated rudely by a tech in India who obviously thought he could talk to me like trash. I’m reminded of the book I read about how women are treated in other countries, (“Half the Sky” by Sheryl WuDunn– great read) and yet again my emotions start to boil over. Not only am I fearing the loss of all my work because I stupidly did not have anything backed up, my heart mourns for women who have to worry about acid being thrown at them because they want out of a horrible relationship, or the women sold into brothels and shunned by their families after they escape. Perspective I guess… Looking back, I think that was my first reminder that I don’t have it bad at all. We’ve made a successful backup – we talked it through. While my thorn is a thorn, it did end well. The only scar I have is the idea of what I could’ve lost…but didn’t. Maybe that helped both of us appreciate each other more and why I should be thankful that we can communicate. I don’t need to fear my emotions. Okay higher power…#2 for you. Insight number #2 accomplished. It could be worse, but it’s not. I have a true man who truly loves me and I’m surrounded by a family who loves me for who I am.

Wow. I was right. Never ceases to amaze me when I have a feeling and it materializes. While I knew the issues with work and my computer would pass – I almost enjoyed the diversion from worry, but now, maybe they had more purpose then that. I enjoy the insight these trials gave me. There is a truly a time for everything. And even in our trials there is something to learn, if only we would take time to listen and meditate. I’m thankful for these insights and feel a sense of calm and peace again. So often I want to blog about something that I know has more meaning that what appears, but I let it go. I’m so glad I got to reflect today. I should end now, but I think I should point out what brought me to blog this today.

I’ve been listening to old songs on YouTube and posting links on my Facebook. I rarely do this – maybe one or two once in a blue moon but rarely like I did today. I did it because the songs were bringing back memories of my childhood. I wanted to cry, but not sad tears. Happy ones. A friend commented on the song “Lucille”. ‘Beautiful connection. It’s been showing its thread all day today. Hasn’t it {her friends name} :)’ Of course, I love when something I post has meaning for someone else – I feel like that is a confirmation – the reason I was compelled to do it. In short, I commented that I’d love to know the connection. She responded:

‘You do know the connection, you’re part of it, we all are :). When you’re compelled to do anything, odds are it will affect someone unknowingly waiting to be affected by it. Sometimes it’s profound, sometimes a smile. And often it compels them and so on and so on :). Some days it’s easy to spot, others it’s easily missed. Today I think it’s in the mood to show off a bit. Look for it today :)’

Well, I looked for it. And I found it. Insight #3. Never forget that the person you could impact most, is yourself. Those ripples have a way of coming back around. Oh, and #4, while there are memories you can’t erase, there are also one’s you never want to. These are just things I forgot to remember 🙂

~Thank you Carolyn 🙂

 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:2  a time to be born and a time to die,  a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3  a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Behind Closed Doors

 

My furry little buddy…

Who would have thought that my cat would give me something meaningful to blog about? Don’t get me wrong. I love my cat. I am a cat person. I just never imagined gleaning valuable insight from a cute little ball of fur.

I got Mazzy back in November 2012. She was one of many Humane Society residents and I just couldn’t pass up her cute little face. She warmed up to me quickly and the same to Dave after I brought her home a couple days later. Sure, she was super curious about her new surroundings when I brought her home, but she didn’t run and hide or act especially fearful from day one. She’s my little buddy. Well, until she decided that using our bedroom for a bathroom was ok…

Hence, she was banned from entering our bedroom. That was easy; just shut the door. She had free reign over the other 2200 square feet of our barren residence and she was much okay with that. Then, we prepare to move. I don’t need to go into that much – it’s a pain. Short and simple. During the heart of the move we put her in the laundry room  to give her a space of her own and no worries to us that she may dash under someone’s feet or get out of the house. At one point I went into the laundry room to say hi and I couldn’t find her. I started to panic, but low and behold, there she was snoozing away inside the washer where I had put a few dirty clothes. She was so cute. My little buddy.

But that’s not where she taught me something. No. That happened in Georgia. Before the first night we decided she would be restricted to our bedroom. Why you ask? Well, keep in mind we are staying with his folks until our house sells and his mom has a fancy for nick-nacks including a beautiful decorated Christmas tree with all the gold, shiny embellishments cat’s enjoy. Yes. The bedroom would do quiet nicely. With a large adjacent bathroom, walk in closet and myriad of windows, she had plenty of space to explore. (Not to mention the accident on night #1 – we would not tolerate a repeat of said accident throughout the abundantly furnished home of people we love who have never had an indoor pet.) Plus, she has tons of toys. Never had a cat that enjoyed her toys as much as Mazzy does – especially the little ones that look like mice and are filled with catnip…she loves those!

At times I would let Mazzy out – always careful to keep an eye on her and her whereabouts. She enjoys sniffing the tree, chewing on fake plants and perching in the windows. Nothing bad or potentially dangerous for neither cat…nor human. A shake of her treat bag or her dinner food would quickly get her running back to the confines of her room. Yes. At times she meowed like a 5 year old, begging to be let free of her large prison. I could see her shadow on the other side of the door just waiting to dart to freedom once we opened the door. Sometimes she would make off like a sprint racer and slip out the door before we had a chance to close it. We’d let her enjoy her successful escape then, shake, shake: “Want a treat?” Don’t get me wrong. I let her out frequently even if just for a few minutes. I would also take her to my office at times while I worked; although much smaller, it gave her a different space to claim. I didn’t want to be her warden by any means.

Dave’s Mom told me repeatedly to just let her roam. I was terrified. I love these people. I don’t want their love for me stiffled because something got ruined by cat urine or destroyed by the wrath of Mazzy’s jaws. But she hadn’t repeated said accident from night #1 and she was being good when I let her out, so I obliged. I left the door open and let her have free reign over the majority of the house.

And this is where Maz taught me a lesson on life. Keep in mind, she’s only had free reign a handful of times. I just went back into the house a little bit ago and where do you think Mazzy was? Under the dining room table? Perched eloquently on the window sill? Dinign on fake plants? High atop the Christmas tree? No. None of the above. Good ole’ Maz was laying on our bed. She looked up at me as if the say “Oh. Hi.” Then put her head back down and enjoyed her slumber. Door wide open and she chose to relax in what I thought she felt was her prison.

So. Where’s the lesson, you ask? Simple. We often wonder what it’s like on the other side. When we are given restrictions, we want what we can’t have.  We may think we’ve been given a small window to escape so we explore and explore and push the limits of our boundaries, but when it comes down to it and we remove what others deem as restrictions, we realize just how comfortable ‘home’ is. The mystery of what lies beyond loses its flare. If we continually tell our kids ‘no’ – they will inevitably want to do it. And when they do it – they will do it with a vengance. Whatever it is. So, we can drive ourselves nuts trying to keep the door closed and wear ourselves out diverting their attempts to escape, but we have to trust at some point. Let them explore, knowing that we’ve made home is a place where they can always find comfort. And if they get stuck in a Christmas tree, well…we politely help them out, give a little lecture and hope they learn from it. It’s hard to learn anything behind closed doors. Shake, shake “Want a treat?”

Way Too Long

Well hello there! Remember me? Sorry for it being so long since I last posted. I’ll try to do better in 2013.

So, we got moved to Georgia in mid September of 2012 and the day after – yes, the day after we unloaded the last truck, we got the dreaded call – the contract had fell through. Yep. We loaded one more truck and headed home to Indiana. That was a scary and defeated feeling. I hated those days. Saying goodbye to something that I had no sooner said hello. The thoughts that rushed through me were common; ‘Why?’ Why did we literally pack everything we own and spend $1000’s of dollars just to move right back? My Mom taught me the most valueable lesson of my life in her last days. “There’s always a reason, we just aren’t meant to know why sometimes.”

By the end of October we were back in Indiana. His folks visited us a couple time for the holidays and I was very happy to host my family twice when my sons came to visit. My middle son came first the beginning of December with his wife and my first grandson, Riott. We had 21 family members over for Sunday dinner. It was amazing! Always wanted a place big enough to host my ever-growing family. If you think 21 is large – that was not even half of my immediate family. My nephew and niece-in-law announced their big news: due in July!! Yes, yet another grandchild to add to the family tree. What a joyous moment!

Hosting the family wasn’t near as much stress as I thought it would be and I was glad to do it again in January when my oldest son visited with his new wife. She’s due May 22 – yes, going to be grandma x2! YAY!! Another branch extends forth!! Found out it will be another boy, Noah. Can’t wait to meet him. Sucks that we live so far away. Doesn’t matter if I live in Indiana or Georgia or ‘Timbucktoo’; both my sons live in Missouri. That’s probably the part I don’t like about my life most right now; I can’t just stop over and see my kids/grandkids. Can’t just babysit and spoil my offspring’s offspring…but thank God for modern technology. I can text, call, Skype and keep up on their to-do-n’s on Facebook. I can see progressive baby belly pics and hear all about her craving and emotional boundings. I can still offer my motherly advise and be involved. It’s the little things 🙂

I found a new job – one I love so much. I work from home now. It’s great!! I actually turned down 2 other offers in town. That was scary. I’ve never worked on a contract like this before and after what happened to Dave’s contract last year, I feared the worse. Besides, I cannot recall ever turning down a job offer, but something told me to take this one. I knew it meant I had to disciplined. I knew the risks. It took almost a month before I actually started. I worried if it was real. But my worries were soon layed to rest. When I started working, it was just as I remembered. It was like dusting off a bike and hopping back on – I was a little wobbly the first couple days but before I knew it, I was doing flips and coasting with my hands up in the air! The people I work with are fun, dedicated, understanding and just down right great people. They have faith and that really sold me on them. They weren’t afraid to say it in both my interviews. Know how when you talk to someone, you just click? Well, that’s the way it was with this team. I’m glad I listened to my gut.

And it’s a good thing I took that remote job – we are back in Georgia!! Yep. Last truck is unloaded and no call yet. (And there better not be, God willing! Lol!) I have faith that this time is it. We are here for good. Today marks his first day at his new job. Kinda scary, but in a good way. Dave and I are as strong as ever. He even left me a little note in my office this morning. Love those little moments…don’t think he realizes how much…

So, what’s the moral of this blog? Don’t give up. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the best things happen out of the worst circumstances. It is our struggles – our victories and our defeats – that makes us who we are. We can chose to begrudge life and anticipate the next hurdle or we can face each day for what it is, knowing that we have the opportunity to rise above, grow and be grateful. I got to host my family not once, but twice. I got to have my sons over and create some new memories together. I got to spend some quality time with my daugther who is growing into the woman I knew she could be. I got to overcome one of life worst disappointments with the one I love. I am thankful for technology that allows me to stay connected no matter where I am. I am thankful for my faith that continues to see me through – and I am reminded that through God’s strength, we can do anything.

Until next time!

 

“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.”  ~ Psalm 69:32

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”  ~ Romans 12:2

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7

Keep Believing

Just wanted to share my good news. Dave got a new job in Georgia, so it looks like I’m moving! Be planning on a great blog to get you up to date once we get settled, but for now, please forgive my absence.

To all those who pull inspiration from this blog, just let me leave you with this. I have struggled the majority of my life, being loved and loving the wrong people. I have fallen, scraping my knees down to the bone at times, I have survived on near nothing, I have had my heart beaten, but every time, I managed to get back up and keep fighting, keep believing. Something in me told me he was out there; I couldn’t allow myself to give up. Now, even my dreams weren’t this good. I don’t know how we found each other or what I did to deserve someone I hold so special. I had no idea it would be like this when we first met. We battled our hurdles eariler on which made us even stronger. He makes me smile, he holds me when I cry and he listens when I need an ear. His touch is better than ice cream. 😉 The part that makes us special is, we just fit. He’s my boyfriend, my love, but best of all, he’s my best friend.

There is no recipe to finding love. There’s no quick fix to silencing the emptiness of being alone. I know it sucks, but we must learn to embrace it, even if we don’t like it. I had finally resolved to giving God the time to bring someone special in my life. When in a bad relationship, I quickly removed myself. I didn’t search for forever in every set of eyes. I gave it time and let God and time reveal things to me. And I saw them, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to believe. Don’t make something more than what it really is.

Put yourself first and eventually you will meet the right one. And if not, you will find something even better: YOURSELF. Everything you’ve ever wanted or needed is right there starring you in the mirror. If you do not agree, then what exactly do you plan to offer the one who loves you? Spent time finding that out myself. I’m just me and I love who I am, even if I’m not perfect. Give yourself credit especially for the small thing. Love yourself like you want to be love. Find out what makes you tick. Pamper yourself, even if it’s just a warm bubble bath. It doesn’t have to cost money. DO NOT allow yourself to believe hateful or negative thoughts, whether it’s someone else saying them, or it is yourself you battle. Don’t worry. That’s normal. I still fight with allowing myself to be happy, too. But don’t worry. We will get through it…together 🙂

Moral of this blog post: Love yourself. 🙂

And if I haven’t said it enough: Thank you Lord. Thank you for being here for me and for putting Dave in my life. Thank you for my children and for walking with them even if they don’t see it. Thank you for my family, our health, my renters, everything! Bless Dave and I as we continue our life together in a new state. Bless our finances and help me find a good job quickly. God, bless our relationship as you have continued to bless me. And thank you again, Lord. Amen

See you in a couple weeks!

Through a Mind of Myriad Memories

I wrote this a couple weeks ago. I could examine why i didn’t post it but i think it would be safe to summarize that i didn’t want to admit my weaknesses out loud. Yet, the whole purpose of this blog is to be transparent. So, without further adieu….

My heart is so heavy right now. The 45 minute drive to work was uneventful yet I enjoyed the time to clear my head. Ever feel like something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it? Yeah….it’s one of those days. Maybe it’s nothing, Maybe it’s everything…hell if I know.

I get to work and my boss isn’t here. Very unlike him. In the past couple years I’ve seen him come in 5 minutes late once. Within 15 minutes he sends an email to the team explaining that his father died last night. My heart goes out to him. I was pretty close to my mother and it’s been almost 10 years since she went to be with the Lord. The pain she carried 2 years prior was unbearable. My Dad was right there by her side – the hard working man I grew up knowing. He gave up his freedom to tend to her needs, just like their vows promised. I admire him for that, but I saw in the pain in her eyes; she missed his love. She didn’t just want a bath, she longed for his loving touch. A kind word said out of love, not anger. I saw how incredibly unhappy she was the majority of my life. Always yearning. Always sacrificing. Maybe I still carry that…maybe I still resent my Dad on her behalf. He is a pro at spitting words laced with poison. None of us children escaped his rath. We each endure our own scars.

I’ve always felt that those last 2 years was God’s way of helping us let her go. She was everything to me and I couldn’t bear seeing her in constant pain, restricted to that bed unable to move half her body. Her tears…they tore right through me. She spoke often of death…even before her stroke. For some reason, out of 8 kids I was the one she confided in regarding her suicidal thoughts and her feelings that she was going crazy. I remember her laying in her hospital bed in the livingroom asking what I wanted when she was gone. I hated talking about it, but I’m so glad we did. Those crowning memories just before Mom’s passing are mixed with sorrow and joy. Even if I missed that last opportunity to talk to her, in my mind, not talking to her was the permission she needed to escape her pain. Her baby was all grown up now.

So, why can I not quit crying? I feel there’s a message here. My mother had this 6th sense about me. She would call and just know. Maybe she couldn’t put her finger on it, but when something was wrong, she could sense it. It drove her nuts sometimes. I think I inherited that ability. Something isn’t right. Some may think it’s a gift but it can be a damn curse at times. I’ve ignored these feeling too many times and got hurt in the process, so the feelings can easily turn scary. I miss my Mom calling, I miss her conjecture. I miss those moments where she didn’t get me and it made me mad. Funny how perfect isn’t love, but love itself is perfect.

Why did God take my Mom when He did?? I was 33 but I felt like I was 5. Sometimes…I still do. I still need her. She was the buffer for my dad. She couldn’t fix me, but she listened and she wasn’t afraid to tell me ‘what do you want me to do about it?‘. I know she felt my pain, and felt helpless as well. Being a mom myself, I can relate to that now. She loved me unconditionally, and I knew it. I remember in my late 20s, how often I’d call her just to apologize for being the little shit I was when I was younger. I hurt her so bad. But there’s no escaping hurt in this life. And there’s no picking the ones who will hurt you. Sometimes that hurt severes ties, other times, it creates an atmosphere for a new level of growth.

So many things going through my head…some how the thoughts get polluted churning through a mind of myriad memories. The Bible says not to fear, well dammit, I do. What happened to just being happy?? What happened to the serenity and peace? Why the hell does everything have to be so fucking temporary?? I think hell is sometimes right here, on Earth.

So, where did the strong, confident Angie go? I’m right here, this is just me. If you are going to love me, you better love my flaws, too. I rarely ever show any signs of weakness on this blog…well…here it is. I bleed, I hurt and I cry just like the rest of the world. Usually behind closed doors, in private, but not today. Today I mourn. I mourn my mother. I mourn the little girl in me and her arduous memories. Maybe it’s nothing and I’m just letting it get the best of me. Maybe it’s so small that it doesn’t matter. Maybe I am just like my Mother…

Just Me….

Just Me

Some days I just want to cry.

Emotions explode, sometimes I know why.

Facing the day, I give it a try.

Smile at the world, head held high.

Inside, invisible, it’s all a lie.

And I’m just me. Just me.

 

If I could open my soul, would you take a look?

Read my thoughts, like an open book.

Would you stop reading or want to know more?

Fall to your knees and hit the floor.

Or maybe run out the door…

But I’m just me. Just me.

 

Fear has followed me throughout the years.

Often disguised beneath sweat and in tears.

My brain it churns like old rusted gears.

Heavy is a heart full of fears.

What a pure heart bears.

And that’s just me. Just me.

 

Letting go is not as easy as it seems,

even wrapped in the arms of the man of my dreams.

You cannot hear yet lest it screams,

Fearing the repetition of heart break schemes,

Or so it seems…

When you’re just me. Just me.

 

Petrified of accosting this wall of pain.

Those before have left their stain.

It’s not what has been lost, but what is to be gained.

And it no longer matters who is to blame.

No. This is not a game.

I’m just being me. Just me.

 

Of my three wishes, this wouldn’t be one.

Yet my experiences are the reasons for who I’ve become.

Fear claws at my confidence yet the fights not done.

Don’t dare count me out when I’ve just begun.

Just gonna be me until this battle is won.

 

I’m just gonna be me. Just gonna be me.

Because that’s all I know how to be…

Just me.

 

~Angela Nichols

8/7/12