Tag Archives: fear

Way Too Long

Well hello there! Remember me? Sorry for it being so long since I last posted. I’ll try to do better in 2013.

So, we got moved to Georgia in mid September of 2012 and the day after – yes, the day after we unloaded the last truck, we got the dreaded call – the contract had fell through. Yep. We loaded one more truck and headed home to Indiana. That was a scary and defeated feeling. I hated those days. Saying goodbye to something that I had no sooner said hello. The thoughts that rushed through me were common; ‘Why?’ Why did we literally pack everything we own and spend $1000’s of dollars just to move right back? My Mom taught me the most valueable lesson of my life in her last days. “There’s always a reason, we just aren’t meant to know why sometimes.”

By the end of October we were back in Indiana. His folks visited us a couple time for the holidays and I was very happy to host my family twice when my sons came to visit. My middle son came first the beginning of December with his wife and my first grandson, Riott. We had 21 family members over for Sunday dinner. It was amazing! Always wanted a place big enough to host my ever-growing family. If you think 21 is large – that was not even half of my immediate family. My nephew and niece-in-law announced their big news: due in July!! Yes, yet another grandchild to add to the family tree. What a joyous moment!

Hosting the family wasn’t near as much stress as I thought it would be and I was glad to do it again in January when my oldest son visited with his new wife. She’s due May 22 – yes, going to be grandma x2! YAY!! Another branch extends forth!! Found out it will be another boy, Noah. Can’t wait to meet him. Sucks that we live so far away. Doesn’t matter if I live in Indiana or Georgia or ‘Timbucktoo’; both my sons live in Missouri. That’s probably the part I don’t like about my life most right now; I can’t just stop over and see my kids/grandkids. Can’t just babysit and spoil my offspring’s offspring…but thank God for modern technology. I can text, call, Skype and keep up on their to-do-n’s on Facebook. I can see progressive baby belly pics and hear all about her craving and emotional boundings. I can still offer my motherly advise and be involved. It’s the little things 🙂

I found a new job – one I love so much. I work from home now. It’s great!! I actually turned down 2 other offers in town. That was scary. I’ve never worked on a contract like this before and after what happened to Dave’s contract last year, I feared the worse. Besides, I cannot recall ever turning down a job offer, but something told me to take this one. I knew it meant I had to disciplined. I knew the risks. It took almost a month before I actually started. I worried if it was real. But my worries were soon layed to rest. When I started working, it was just as I remembered. It was like dusting off a bike and hopping back on – I was a little wobbly the first couple days but before I knew it, I was doing flips and coasting with my hands up in the air! The people I work with are fun, dedicated, understanding and just down right great people. They have faith and that really sold me on them. They weren’t afraid to say it in both my interviews. Know how when you talk to someone, you just click? Well, that’s the way it was with this team. I’m glad I listened to my gut.

And it’s a good thing I took that remote job – we are back in Georgia!! Yep. Last truck is unloaded and no call yet. (And there better not be, God willing! Lol!) I have faith that this time is it. We are here for good. Today marks his first day at his new job. Kinda scary, but in a good way. Dave and I are as strong as ever. He even left me a little note in my office this morning. Love those little moments…don’t think he realizes how much…

So, what’s the moral of this blog? Don’t give up. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the best things happen out of the worst circumstances. It is our struggles – our victories and our defeats – that makes us who we are. We can chose to begrudge life and anticipate the next hurdle or we can face each day for what it is, knowing that we have the opportunity to rise above, grow and be grateful. I got to host my family not once, but twice. I got to have my sons over and create some new memories together. I got to spend some quality time with my daugther who is growing into the woman I knew she could be. I got to overcome one of life worst disappointments with the one I love. I am thankful for technology that allows me to stay connected no matter where I am. I am thankful for my faith that continues to see me through – and I am reminded that through God’s strength, we can do anything.

Until next time!

 

“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.”  ~ Psalm 69:32

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”  ~ Romans 12:2

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7

Just Me….

Just Me

Some days I just want to cry.

Emotions explode, sometimes I know why.

Facing the day, I give it a try.

Smile at the world, head held high.

Inside, invisible, it’s all a lie.

And I’m just me. Just me.

 

If I could open my soul, would you take a look?

Read my thoughts, like an open book.

Would you stop reading or want to know more?

Fall to your knees and hit the floor.

Or maybe run out the door…

But I’m just me. Just me.

 

Fear has followed me throughout the years.

Often disguised beneath sweat and in tears.

My brain it churns like old rusted gears.

Heavy is a heart full of fears.

What a pure heart bears.

And that’s just me. Just me.

 

Letting go is not as easy as it seems,

even wrapped in the arms of the man of my dreams.

You cannot hear yet lest it screams,

Fearing the repetition of heart break schemes,

Or so it seems…

When you’re just me. Just me.

 

Petrified of accosting this wall of pain.

Those before have left their stain.

It’s not what has been lost, but what is to be gained.

And it no longer matters who is to blame.

No. This is not a game.

I’m just being me. Just me.

 

Of my three wishes, this wouldn’t be one.

Yet my experiences are the reasons for who I’ve become.

Fear claws at my confidence yet the fights not done.

Don’t dare count me out when I’ve just begun.

Just gonna be me until this battle is won.

 

I’m just gonna be me. Just gonna be me.

Because that’s all I know how to be…

Just me.

 

~Angela Nichols

8/7/12

Giving Life to Fear

I’ve been wanting to write for some time now, but something always holds me back. Not life, but me. Afraid of revealing what I’m really feeling. Not ready to confront it. I don’t know why – when I write I tend to answer my own questions and walk away feeling more confident…so, it’s time.

The past few weeks I’ve been extremely fearful. I won’t go into detail, so let’s just say I’m afraid of losing this happiness. Before I met Dave, I was happy. Alone, yes, but extremely happy with everything else in my life: my job, my kids, my finances, my home, my conflictions. Meeting Dave only added a level of contentment; a surreal level of contentment that I’ve honestly never felt before. I have finally found the one that assuredly fits me. How do I know? I just do. Love is not just liking the same foods or the same hobbies, it’s meshing on a higher level of compatibility that deals with morals, views and ideas. It’s communicating on a level beyond words. It’s feeling so deep there are no words. I’ve never met someone more like myself. So, maybe it is natural to fear losing him.

Like everyone else, life has been nothing but a series of ups and downs for me. Yet I ride the downs like an Olympic wave runner – never letting them change who I am in my core, rather, I’ve allowed my times of trial to strengthen me. I have recognized my weaknesses – admitted them and work on them. In the dust of defeat and triumph, I have realized my strengths and utlitize them to the fullest. Of course, opportunities have emerged as a result of not sticking my head in the sand…yet threats. Still working on dealing with the threats.

I pulled up some quotes on fear today and one stuck out:

“When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear.” ~ Buddha

How unlikely of me to pick Buddha, yet I am not beyond believing that other religions hold merit. Matter of fact, I’m still struggling with my religious identity. Don’t get me wrong. I believe there is a God, just maybe not as main stream as some would like me to believe. That’s another blog….back on topic: this verse spoke to me. We have to understand that evil does lurk in more than just the corners of the world – evil lurks in the corners of our minds. Possibly the most scariest place. However, we can devert this fear by not allowing it to gain foothold. We can strive to find tranquility and peace in recognizing the good acts of others; and not just in others, but in ourselves – in our perceptions and in our attitudes. How we carry ourselves.

I’ve said it before and I’ll surely say it more, but things are exactly what we say they are; life is exactly what we claim it to be. If you think your life sucks – guess what?? IT DOES. If you think your job sucks – IT DOES. If you think your days suck – well, if it doesn’t, you can bank on it that it will before the day is over. What we speak, we breathe into existence. We ultimately give life to fear and fear in turn, takes on a whole life of its own. Now, I’m not saying it’s not okay to be scared – we would have no use for courage if there was not first something to fear – yet it is the sheer act of refusing to let that fear control us. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” ~Mark Twain. We must speak positively, reminding ourselves of ‘good teachings’, hence, the good moments that keep us going. We must surround ourselves with positive people. We have to appreciate the wonder in where we stand today. Embrace it. In doing so, we release fear and become examples of good teachings for others. Tomorrow is too far away to give into fear. And tomorrow is coming; good or bad. Don’t hold onto the past so tightly that we choke out our present.

I guess what I’m trying to say – and what I’m trying to remind myself of is, don’t give fear a foothold. Giving life to fear creates a breeding ground from which no good crop can be harvested. Instead, embrace the opportunity to realize that the past is exactly that – the past. Take from it lessons that strengthen you or allow you to work on your weaknesses. Know yourself. Acknowledge the fear and then let it go. Be strong and courageous in who you are and everything else will naturally fall into place. As Confucius says, “If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?

“The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.” ~ Psalm 118:6

“For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

In a World Where Everything Changes, Love Remains the Same

 Lately, I find myself getting sad for no reason. No. This isn’t a rare occurrence. I’ve experienced this momentary lag of reason many times over the course of my life. And as the analytical type that I am, I’m always trying to figure out the ‘why’. It is fact that our bodies let us know when it needs water or specific nutrients, (also known as cravings). So if you think about it, it’s not a far stretch to think that our bodies – or our minds – are in need of something when it responds in a way such as displaced sadness.

When I was very young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, I recall very vividly, my mother sitting with her head down on the kitchen table, crying uncontrollably. Scared and confused, I approached her and asked what was wrong. She looked up and me and sobbed, “I don’t know why. I’m just sad.” That moment was forever etched deep within me. It honestly terrified me. I didn’t understand. I remember thinking, how can you be sad without a reason?? Part of me thought she was nuts. As I grew older I realized that she did suffer from depression. I’m sure that was part of it, but having the experiences I’ve had in life, I have a hard time comprehending ‘depression’ as an illness. I think it is self-driven. Let me stop you there. Yes. I have suffered ‘depression’ in my years. But, do I think a pill will fix it? A big: HELL NO. I think getting to the core of the problem is where the remedy lives. Not all things can be fixed, but they have to be accepted. Sometimes we cannot get there alone. We need our closest friends or even a counselor. Until we succumb to doing whatever it takes to get to the root of the fear, we will continue dancing around the fire, and some will continue to fall further into a pit of despair, getting more and more depressed as they convince themselves they are nuts. They aren’t. We aren’t. We’re just human.

It’s human nature to be fearful of change, and change is a major facet of life; you cannot have one without the other. Change is probably the one true constant we can depend on. For some reason we get accustom to a certain way of life and when even the slightest thing changes, we freak out. Eventually, some things will change: jobs, children, relationships, friends, bills…. We busted our asses in school to get a good job just to lose it. We raise our children with the best of intentions just to witness them growing up, making decisions on their own, sometimes as we watch in horror. Experience has taught us the outcome already. We brace for what is to come just as if we were watching an accident getting ready to unfold. But they have to learn on their own. Of course we love them and we don’t want them to hurt, but they are on a new journey and unfortunately as parents, that part doesn’t include us holding their hand. Why do we react in shock as if things are supposed to remain constant? As if life is somehow supposed to be perfect all the time? THAT is living in a fantasy world.

Long ago, I resolved that this feeling of displaced sadness is normal. It kind of threw me off this time, because I couldn’t be happier right now. The last six months has been phenomenal…so, why am I so sad? What is it that my body fears? Then it hits me: unconditional love. I don’t think I’ve honestly ever felt it from someone of the opposite sex. I know I felt unconditional love from my mother, but my Dad is another story. There was always a string attached to things he did for me, and he didn’t hesitate to tell me I’d never amount to shit if I didn’t do things his way. Sad. But true. When I was younger, I walked on egg shells always fearing that if I disappointed those I love, they would leave or say mean things to me. If I didn’t do things right, I would lose it all. It really sucks to feel that your Dad only loves you based on your performance. Don’t worry. I don’t need a therapist. I have come to grips with how I feel about my Dad. I love him, and I know he loves me in the best way he knows how. He’s 82. It’s not going to change. I will never be Daddy’s girl. I’ll never have that precious moment where he dances with me and tells me how proud he is of me. This is just the way he is. He means no harm and he definitely doesn’t want it to make me cry. So I let it hurt for a moment, then I press on. THAT is how I avoid depression: I accept. I mourn. I do what I can, then I move on. I have way too many things to be thankful for. I cannot allow something I don’t have to define me.

Through it all, I see how I’ve harbored this emptiness with my relationships with men. Always struggling to feel accepted, to quiet the fear of being left, to quench the tears of a relationship I never had with my dad. In my past, I have mistaken love for many other things and I’ve allowed this blindness to permit myself to be used, abused and misled. Likewise, my past has taught me to see signs and separate myself from someone. Make a quick exit. Cut my losses. Keep my head about me and my priorities in order. I’ve always known deep down that someday, someone would come around and he would be it. Life is all about learning. And I’ve learned a lot about what love is and what love isn’t.

So what is it? What is my body telling me? Well, I think it has to do with change and with love. My youngest child graduates next month. A lengthy chapter in my life is coming to an end. I realize the fear of their well-being and safety won’t stop here, but my job as a full-time Mother is definitely changing. She’s moving out on her own and even though I’m scared, I’m so incredibly proud of her. And here I am getting ready to move out of the house I’ve lived in for over 20 years to move in with the man of my dreams. Sometimes it seems surreal. I’ve always felt that I would find love, but it is here. Right here. Right now. How do I know that? I can’t explain it. I just do. And here in lies the realization of my fear: maybe I was wrong. Maybe all things don’t change.

Unconditional love is truly the one thing that doesn’t change. It is always there. I have become so accustom to living on guard, walking on egg shells, defending my ground…and I don’t have to anymore. For once, I can breathe. The man who has my heart, truly has my heart. He has all of me. That in and of itself is scary. My body is not use to this and maybe it just needs time to adjust (lol).  I love him with all that I am. I can actually see myself in him. Sounds kinda corny but it’s true. And because of that, it isn’t hard to imagine that he loves me the same way, too…I know he has his own set of fears. Yet, I trust him. Yes. I said that. I fully and completely trust him.

So what do I need? I need to let go of the “what if’s”. I need to leave behind all my fears and the memories that have created them. I need to accept that not all love is like the love of my Dad. I need to forgive me Dad for my loving me how I want him, too and simply accept him for who he is. And I need to remind myself that I deserve to be happy, without the fear of acceptance, or floor of egg shells. I need to continue accepting, mourning, growing and moving forward. I am the author of my biography. Each chapter is better than the next. And in a world where everything changes, love remains.

 

Hiding Our Faith: Do Not Throw Away Your Confidence, Share It

For several months I’ve been struggling with how others view my faith. I didn’t fully realize it until recently, but I think my fear lies in the belief ~ the knowledge ~ that it scares some people away. They don’t understand it and so they fear it. I’ll meet someone I’d like to get close to and, if I don’t see that they have a faith system, I unknowingly hide mine, revealing only the slightest glimpses if it feels ‘safe’. But why?? I’m not ashamed of it…am I? Well, I guess in all honesty, I am afraid of being rejected because of it. Afraid of losing something because they don’t see, agree or respect my passion for it. What?? That’s stupid. That makes me no different than the many characters in the bible who denyed their faith (read about Judas and Peter in Matthew 26). I think standing up for our faith is something He calls us to do. It’s what He meant about loving our neighbors and being equally yolked to someone…but that’s another blog.

For those who have an understanding of their faith, or an acceptance of faith in general, it doesn’t bother them; more often they are inspired by it. It’s those that don’t have a similar grasp on their spiritual side that bother me. It’s like being the new kid at school, feeling all the examining and assessing eyes as you clumsily walk into the new, unfamiliar surroundings. You just want to be liked: accepted. Do they think I’m strange? Do they think I’m a bible thumper? I’d like to say I’m not but what’s the definition? Cuz if posting bible verses is considered bible thumping, then yeah, I guess I am. I’m not versed enough to quote like some people, but yes, i do feel that many of our answers are contained within the pages of the bible and I will refer to the ones I know but I’m not in people’s faces with it, I’m in my own face, reminding myself what life is all about: not just you, not just me, but progress as a people bound by love.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m not perfect. Let me say that again: I’m not perfect. I still cuss, I still make mistakes and bad decisions but I know what my faith has done for me and I’m not willing to sacrifice that for anyone, and I’m more than willing to share. I’ve come to realize that I either need someone who is willing to lead me or walk with me; I can’t have someone dragging me down no matter how bad I want that relationship to work. No one should. It’s just not meant to be. I know what I feel and what I have experienced. I will not turn my back on it even if I can’t explain it. After all, faith is believing in what we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) I don’t want someone pushing me to justify my beliefs, and equally, I do not want to push anyone to believe in mine. There are sooooo many interpretations of the bible. I just hope that others give God a chance…that’s all. A simple answer to the knock at the door is all that is required.

So, feeling unaccepted is normal but we cannot succomb to that fear of rejection. We must stand firm in who we are and who we strive to be. It is simply our duty to stand up and proclaim the good things He has done. Stand strong in our resolve. And when I do, I don’t expect you to sit down and consume it all – watch me, examine my life and see how my faith impacts me. I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I have the scars. I have been and still am broken at times. I fall but I get back up. It’s a process. I pray that God uses me to show others how He wants to work in our lives. I give Him everything, no matter how scary that is because I trust Him. Positivity is a choice. I chose to open the door and I let Him in. If you are curious about even an ounce of what I’ve got, maybe you’ll consider answering, too. He has done and is doing a work in me like no one ever has, or ever will. I’m seeing love as it should be: pure, true, unconditional, relentless. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but just like childbirth, I would do it all again.

Face it. Rejection hurts, so what do we think God feels when we reject Him? Are we just going to throw up our hands or go hide in the corner? Well, I need God in my corner. With Him anything is possible. He is not human flesh like you and I. He doesn’t battle with sin like you and I. He is the Creator, the Healer, the Redeemer, the Almighty, Alpha/Omega, the Everything. Now that God has revealed this to me, it’s time to take action. No greater love have I ever known than the love and grace I continue to receive from Jesus…how can I deny Him? When I cry, I go into His arms. I need not say a word because He knows me. Yet He longs for a relationship with me so I will continue on my walk with Him no matter how scary it gets. There is no prize for the fighter who doesn’t fight. God does not want me to be ashamed. I will not throw away my confidence or give away my strength because of fear. He wants me to stand strong and share all I’ve learned. And it’s not so much a matter of sharing the word, but sharing through how I live and how I chose to be. Positive. Inspiring. Motivated. I didn’t become like this. This is who I have always been but I’ve let people bring me down. I know what I want and I’m not settling for less. You call it chance, you call it luck…I call it blessed, I call him Lord.

“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” ~ Hebrews 10:32-35

“But whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.” ~ Matthew 10:33

“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” ~ Jeremiah 17:10

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” ~ 1 John 4:1

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” ~ Romans 3:23

“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.” ~ Hebrews 10:26-27

The Spice of Life that Makes It All Worth It

Last night I almost did something really stupid…then a song came on and it changed everything. I did something I didn’t think I’d have the courage to do. I hoped I would, but I doubted myself. I could see that I was starting to go around that familiar mountain again, the very last thing I want. So, I did what I had to do, and I cried. But they were happy tears. I knew I had reached an impasse: there was no way of denying that I’m destined for better things, yet it is up to me. Even when doubt consumes us, we must depend on God. We must believe.

 Scary? Damn right.

Exciting? Darn tootin’.

I refuse to let the fear stop me. I refuse to get in my own way. There are many great things waiting for me…

So I wake up late this morning and miss church. I don’t feel I HAVE to go every Sunday but I had been looking forward to it all week. Rather than get down about it, I poured a cup of coffee and watched some TBN. A bit on the ‘crazy’ side, so I started to read. “Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On“, by Stormie Omartian. The chapter was about being in the wilderness, learning to lean on God not our own understanding. The wilderness is a place to grow our faith. (Boy. Do I know that.) “He doesn’t want us to depend on the comfortable. He wants us to depend on Him.” That’s what happened to me last night; I realized I wa leaning on the comfortable, the convenient ~ satisfying the ‘right now’. That song reminded me of what is out there…who is out there, and who I want to be when we unite. “…the wilderness may seem like nowhere at the time, [yet] it is somewhere if that’s where God wants you. For it’s there He will prepare you for the good thing He is about to do in your life.” Last night was about the preparation of better things to come. I’ve said I won’t settle, and I won’t. Hence, the beginning of a great day.

But it gets better. I decided it was time to rake the leaves in my driveway. It was the one place I couldn’t mulch last year and every time I see it, it bothers me. Plus the front yard is overdue for some attention. If I want to sell this house, I’ve got to make it appealing asap. As you know, I hate winter and I’ve been avoiding it for some time, so I was determined that today was the day.

As I’m raking, I’m thinking, this is the best time of year to do this. New life is revealed as sprigs of green emerge from under the dead, damp foilage. As I look back at my progress, the gravel is combed, clean and new; refreshed. Tender vines stretch out against the fencing. The birds provide a splendor of melody in the background, equally anticipating the approach of Spring. It started to sprinkle a bit, but I love rain. I welcomed it’s gentle touch and continued on with my work. In the front yard, my heart smiles as I reveal the snapdragons etching the mailbox and notice the rose bushes vibrate green with new buds just starting to form. I’m loving it. But then, in the confines of my flowerbed, what should I see?? Garlic.

Oh geez. I hate that stuff. I instantly relived the battle I have with it every year. I literally laughed out loud. Why? Because it made me think: isn’t that just like our own seasons? Always something there to complain about. Nothing is ever just ‘perfect’. We complain in winter it’s too cold but come summer, we complain it’s too hot. I love my life. I have a great job, great friends, bills are paid, nice home, awesome kids…but I miss having someone special to share it with – that’s my garlic.

Just before this ephipany, I had posted on Facebook that a weed is only a weed when it grows in the wrong place. Then it hit me. Funny how I dispise this garlic, but love the stuff in my pantry. Last night was a matter of realizing the good garlic from the bad garlic and doing something about it, regardless what others think or say. I hate feeling lonely, but by embracing it, that is what will make it so much more special when I do find that special someone. 

We all have our own ‘garlic’ in life and we shoul expect to find some form of it in the wilderness, but that’s exactly where we need to be, and what we need to learn in order to prepare us for what God has in store for us. When in doubt, turn to Him. Place a greater value on what you cherish most: the spice of life that makes it all worth it.

The Stumble in My Walk

I haven’t blogged regularly in forever so I figured two in one day couldn’t hurt (wink wink). This is my walk, after all. I’m supposed to share it with you: the good, the bad, the ugly. That’s the whole purpose of this blog. I’m not ashamed to share my downs with you and to show you the myriad of ways in which God lifts me up. I started to forget what a release it is to write…so here goes…

The bible is a great resource for learning as well as for healing. My friend from this morning reminded me that I need to open my bible. It made me question: Why haven’t I? I’ve been reading a verse here and there maybe even a small book on occasion, but that’s no walk…that’s a stroll. I know God will love me always. I know even if I feel ashamed, He will always have open arms for me. So…why? Maybe, I felt like God wasn’t working fast enough and I felt ashamed. I took my own road, rather, I tried to carve a road where He never intended there to be one. It just seemed right. Still does and I have no regrets. You should never reget something if you can take a lesson from it. And if you haven’t guessed, yeah, I’m single again. And no, that didn’t last long. Small blessing I assume.

Early this afternoon, I heard this on KLOVE radio, I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:9-10. I cried – which comes easy lately, but this really hit me. It was like he was talking directly to me, reminding me that He’s there. It’s crazy how someone can say something and you just feel that God is talking directly to you. This walk is so not easy and to expect never to stumble is ridiculous. Life can hurt, and it will. Nowhere in the bible does it say we are immune to it, but it does say He is there, if we listen, if we call on Him. So I opened my bible, said a little prayer asking God to guide me and feed me: onto Isaiah 41.

Some parts really lost me, but that’s the key about reading the bible: you can’t stop just because you don’t fully grasp something. You keep going until it hits you. This part hit me:

17The poor and needy search for water,
   but there is none;
   their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
   I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
18 I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
   and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
   and the parched ground into springs.
19 I will put in the desert
   the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
   the fir and the cypress together,
20 so that people may see and know,
   may consider and understand,
that the hand of the LORD has done this,
   that the Holy One of Israel has created it.”
~ Isaiah 41:17-20

Now I know this chapter probably has nothing to do with love, per say, but here’s how I interpret the above: poor and needy – that’s me: Hurting in my heart; needy for understanding; poor in spirit, in strength. Not lacking, but struggling. My tongue is parched – I so long for love. But God is telling me He will not forsake me – he won’t leave me. He can make rivers where the land was once dry, he can turn deserts into oceans and what was once parched – my thirst for love – can and will be quenched. He’ll plant trees so I can rest under the shelter of their shade – where it once was barren, it will thrive and I will know that it is all thanks to Almighty God who created it. Lest I give up, He will see me through. He will strengthen me. He will help me. I am not alone. My prayers, my needs, my hurt…will not go unheard or unnoticed.

When you are down, read your bible and don’t stop if you don’t understand something. Keep reading until something grabs you then research it on Google. Listen to Christian radio. I suggest KLOVE.com. And most importantly, never give up and never, ever let the devil convince you that you are alone. Someone out there knows exactly what you are going through.

Let me just add a footnote here. For all of you who comment here or on Facebook or send me private messages and leave me kind words of how I’ve helped you and/or words of encouragement, thank you. You are truly MY blessing because sometimes I forget what I’m doing this for. It’s for us. This is the true cycle of life: helping others who in turn help you, without even knowing it. Be forever lifted and blessed my friends.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10