Tag Archives: life

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Missouri-139-v2 Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.


Giving Life to Fear

I’ve been wanting to write for some time now, but something always holds me back. Not life, but me. Afraid of revealing what I’m really feeling. Not ready to confront it. I don’t know why – when I write I tend to answer my own questions and walk away feeling more confident…so, it’s time.

The past few weeks I’ve been extremely fearful. I won’t go into detail, so let’s just say I’m afraid of losing this happiness. Before I met Dave, I was happy. Alone, yes, but extremely happy with everything else in my life: my job, my kids, my finances, my home, my conflictions. Meeting Dave only added a level of contentment; a surreal level of contentment that I’ve honestly never felt before. I have finally found the one that assuredly fits me. How do I know? I just do. Love is not just liking the same foods or the same hobbies, it’s meshing on a higher level of compatibility that deals with morals, views and ideas. It’s communicating on a level beyond words. It’s feeling so deep there are no words. I’ve never met someone more like myself. So, maybe it is natural to fear losing him.

Like everyone else, life has been nothing but a series of ups and downs for me. Yet I ride the downs like an Olympic wave runner – never letting them change who I am in my core, rather, I’ve allowed my times of trial to strengthen me. I have recognized my weaknesses – admitted them and work on them. In the dust of defeat and triumph, I have realized my strengths and utlitize them to the fullest. Of course, opportunities have emerged as a result of not sticking my head in the sand…yet threats. Still working on dealing with the threats.

I pulled up some quotes on fear today and one stuck out:

“When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear.” ~ Buddha

How unlikely of me to pick Buddha, yet I am not beyond believing that other religions hold merit. Matter of fact, I’m still struggling with my religious identity. Don’t get me wrong. I believe there is a God, just maybe not as main stream as some would like me to believe. That’s another blog….back on topic: this verse spoke to me. We have to understand that evil does lurk in more than just the corners of the world – evil lurks in the corners of our minds. Possibly the most scariest place. However, we can devert this fear by not allowing it to gain foothold. We can strive to find tranquility and peace in recognizing the good acts of others; and not just in others, but in ourselves – in our perceptions and in our attitudes. How we carry ourselves.

I’ve said it before and I’ll surely say it more, but things are exactly what we say they are; life is exactly what we claim it to be. If you think your life sucks – guess what?? IT DOES. If you think your job sucks – IT DOES. If you think your days suck – well, if it doesn’t, you can bank on it that it will before the day is over. What we speak, we breathe into existence. We ultimately give life to fear and fear in turn, takes on a whole life of its own. Now, I’m not saying it’s not okay to be scared – we would have no use for courage if there was not first something to fear – yet it is the sheer act of refusing to let that fear control us. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” ~Mark Twain. We must speak positively, reminding ourselves of ‘good teachings’, hence, the good moments that keep us going. We must surround ourselves with positive people. We have to appreciate the wonder in where we stand today. Embrace it. In doing so, we release fear and become examples of good teachings for others. Tomorrow is too far away to give into fear. And tomorrow is coming; good or bad. Don’t hold onto the past so tightly that we choke out our present.

I guess what I’m trying to say – and what I’m trying to remind myself of is, don’t give fear a foothold. Giving life to fear creates a breeding ground from which no good crop can be harvested. Instead, embrace the opportunity to realize that the past is exactly that – the past. Take from it lessons that strengthen you or allow you to work on your weaknesses. Know yourself. Acknowledge the fear and then let it go. Be strong and courageous in who you are and everything else will naturally fall into place. As Confucius says, “If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?

“The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.” ~ Psalm 118:6

“For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

Choices Lead to Chances

This has been on my mind for some time. Figured it was time to blog about it.

It’s simple really: “Our choices lead way to our chances.” That’s it. Think about it. We cannot achieve everything nor can we make everything happen. Yes. Sometimes we get ‘lucky’ but more often than not, we played a part in being at the right place at the right time. Often, we just need to foster an atmosphere in which those things can grow. We can’t seclude ourselves or hide in a closet. Likewise, we cannot permit ourselves to wallow in our defeats. It may feel impossible, but if you continue thinking you have it rough or that you never catch a break, guess what? You probably won’t. This world can be cruel and rough. There’s no pot of gold at the end of rainbow. It’s going to take a lot more than a hike to discover our treasures here on earth. It’s going to take confidence, determination and an attitude that whatever happens, you’re not giving up.

Remember what I said about hanging out and talking to people who are constantly negative? You’ll get some on you eventually. Be careful who you confide in. If you find yourself not wanting to share news with someone, you better stop and ask yourself why. Will they point out the bad? Will they support a bad decision? Will they encourage you to take another path? Are you confiding in someone just because you know they will support a bad decision?? We are responsible for surrounding ourselves with positive people, starting with ourselves! You may not want to hear their consistently cheery, uplifted voices singing praise for all the little things, but trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than being around someone who has a gift of finding the bad in every situation. It gets tiresome. It’s gets….heavy. It becomes a burden and without realizing it, it starts to rub off.

This may sound odd, but, you don’t alawys have to believe everything a positive person says, or even everything you tell yourself. Maybe you don’t feel today is going to get any better, but tell yourself, ‘today will be better’ anyway. And if it isn’t. Well, you tried. And now…tomorrow is going to be better. (Get it?) Doesn’t that sound like a much better alternative than telling yourself every morning how much this day is going to suck? It would get to the point where you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed and end up a part of that cable commerical on TV reenacting movie scenes with Charlie Sheen. (bahaha!) I mean, really. Life will have its moments of sucking, so let it suck on its own. 😉

I see myself in my daughter…she’s going through a hard time right now. Lots of new responsibilities on the horizon, opportunities and choices at every turn, and a broken heart to boot. Yet I read as she posts words of encouragement on her Facebook page. I know she’s hurting, but she’s keeping her chin up. She had her moment of solace and now, she’s picking up and moving on. She’s making choices that will lead to chances. She’s like a little mini-me. I want to cry because I’m so proud. I know she won’t always make the right decision, but she’s thinking them through, confiding in the right people and she’s making them. She’s not letting life control her, she’s taking control of her life. Even if we don’t believe it, there are powers in our words. Yes. Plural. They can be powers of good or powers of bad. We can expound a view of negativity and constant sorrow, or we can allow ourselves a period of bereavement and move on. It’s a choice…and choices lead way to our chances. (I’m so proud of you sis, and I’ll always be here for you, even when I have to say the things I know you don’t want to hear. Just like my Mom did for me.)

If we settle for being at the bottom of the hill, we will stay there. If we compromise our happiness by embracing defeat and sadness in the valley, we will miss out on our chance to return once again to the top of the mountain. My boyfriend told me the other day, “the mountain isn’t so scary for a climber.“ So, BE that climber. I’m not saying you can’t be sad, can’t have a bad day, what I’m saying is, don’t permit yourself to stay in the valley. Take life for what it is: a series of lessons and tests, a roller coaster of ups and down. Don’t fool yourself in believing it’s easy for anyone and more importantly, don’t give up…don’t let chances get away.


NOTE: I wrote this is a hurry so forgive me for not editing and revising. I just wanted to get this posted…I had the chance, so I took it 🙂

Oh. And as I write about my daughter, I realized, it’s my mother’s birthday. She’d be 81…wow. In 2001 she had a stroke that paralyzed her entire left side. Two years later, on Easter Sunday, she passed away. That day I lost my top advisor, my biggest skeptic and my #1 fan, but I am comforted, and motivated, by the thought that she continues to surround me, looking down and smiling on me from time to time. I hope she sees all the things she taught me. Not only with the words she said, but by the way in which she lived. More importantly, I hope she sees how I’ve carried that love, confidence, devotion and determination to my daughter. ❤ Happy birthday, Mom. 🙂

Resist the Path of Least Resistance

Oh, my dear invisible blog reading friends, it’s been awhile. My apologies. But, nevertheless, I am back. And again, I find myself pondering which topic to write about. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately so I figured it best to let the creative juices flow via my keyboard. I’m not sure where this is going so, pour a little more coffee, put the phone on vibrate and enjoy the ride.

Isn’t it amazing how life can be going along just as decent as you please, then all of the sudden you are side swiped by an event you never saw coming? It happens to all of us. Life is full of brick walls that must be torn down or climbed. Being a parent is not a requirement, but in times like these, you better buckle your seat belt because it will rock your world in unfathomable ways.

Not just my daughter, but one of son’s has given cause to buckle said belt lately. I don’t want to go into specifics, but let’s just say we don’t wish these things on anyone. It’s easy to shower a child with love and even easier to make excuses; it’s when the parenting becomes a job that many fail or fall short. You cannot love them out of their predicaments, and unfortunately, they cannot always learn by example: they have to experience it themselves. Sadly enough, sometimes in witnessing these choices we are reminded of our own poor decisions in youth and we discover a new appreciation for our own parents…something that for me has occurred quite frequently throughout my ‘adulthood’.

We can fall prey to becoming the enabler – which is the worse thing for them and everyone involved. No one wants to watch someone fall, especially a parent, but sometimes we must. If we continue to throw in the proverbial life preservers we are only preserving the action that got them there in the first place. If they never experience consequence for their actions, the lesson is never learned. Life is a series of tests that we will take over and over again until we learn them. And even then, we will have surprise pop quizes to ensure we have retained what we’ve learned. (Ain’t life grand?) We can repeatedly instill in them basic morals and concepts but it’s up to them to ‘get it’. Some will get it when they are children, others well into adulthood…some never. But that’s not up to us. We are responsible only for our own actions. In being role models in living out our philosophies.

We have now what we call a generation of entitlement: “I want it. I get it.” They don’t deserve or earn these privledges or materials but they get them anyway. And who is to blame? Parents? Society? The percentage of children with phones, games, and name brands is expotential compared to any generation before. I get it that we want to spoil our children, but come on! Some things need to be earned. If ‘Johnny’ is failing at school, the last thing he needs is a vehicle to puruse the streets as he wishes.

And what happen to discipline? The metal locker hallways amplifying the echo of a paddling was terrifying to me as a student. Sure. I had “Attention Deficit” but that paddle was much more effective than any form of medication. Not to mention the price I would pay when I got home if I had gotten into any trouble. That paddle was nothing compared to what my father was capable of. What do we have now? Oh. That’s right. Detention. Oooh. I’m scared. Whatever.

I’m not saying we have to be hard asses to our kids, but what I am saying is: we have to demand respect as parents FIRST. I could care less if my child considers me their friend if I don’t have their respect as their mother FIRST. No. I’m not perfect. Some of my choices flat sucked but I’ve done and am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have. So did my folks. They did things I didn’t agree with and I have resolved to never be like that. But that’s how it works. We are supposed to take that knowledge from our childhood and use it to improve ourselves when it is our time to be the parent. That’s the natural cycle.

I guess I’m just trying to encourage other parents like myself to resist the path of least resistance. Yeah. The easy road feels much less stressful at the time, but I’m telling you, if you travel down this path thinking it’s going to be all pavement and straightaways, you are only kidding yourself and as a result inevitably hurting those you love the most. That road ahead is full of potholes that take much more effort to repair and bridges that once burned, can be near impossible to rebuild. Anything worth having is worth working for and that includes parenthood. Buckle your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

Finding the Success in Failure

I rarely have the luxury of picking what instigates my blogs; it’s usually the simple things in life that speak to me…or tug at me until I finally get the message. I think this is how God communicates with me sometimes. Actually, I think nature speaks to all of us but we get so bogged down with the daily drudges of life that we don’t take the time to listen. No wonder the natives were so in tune with nature….nowadays we are so distracted by so many things that we don’t take the time to appreciate the simple lessons to be learned all around us. Well…here goes.

I’ve written about a myriad of plants and produce and this blog post is apparently no different. True to form, I reckon. Life is about nurturing and growth, right? As you may know, I love to garden and love trying new things. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I find success, but I always learn something either about the produce, the process or about myself. Several years ago I discovered a new favorite food of mine: guacamole. The avocado has always been illusive to me…such a strange fruit (yes, a fruit, not a vegetable). Like a child with a science experiment, I’ve tried on numerous occasions to get that huge round seed to sprout…but have never met success. I’ve discounted my failure to the source of the seed (large grocery store) or the fact that they grow mostly in the tropic region where there is no severe winters like we have here in the Midwest. But, I have seen it done. I know it is possible. Being the determined person that I am, several weeks ago I decided to try it again.

I thought I had scarred the seed pretty bad when I removed it from the fruit; removing it is a talent. Carefully inserting toothpicks on either side of the brown ball, I precariously teetered it atop a wine glass and proudly adorned my window sill with my newest project. Over the weeks it lost its sheen but I resolved to not give up on it too quickly and just continued to add water and let it be. Low and behold, what do you think I saw the other day? A SPROUT! Yes! This avocado seed is alive! Each time I look at it, the thick, single shoot grows longer and longer. Thriving. I’m excited to see the next phase but know I must be patient and do my part in order for it to reach maturity.

Isn’t that the way life is? We put so much work into something, and as the days inch by without so much of a hint of a root, we continue to cater to it hoping it will defeat the odds…or worse, we give up on the fact that there is any seed out there that will sprout. After awhile we comfort our wounded soul by convincing ourselves that it’s just not in the cards, that this is just the way it is…the way it has to be; we toss in the towel and miserably settle in right where we are at. The disappointment ultimately chokes out our dreams…our wants; the things that make us who we are. We get lost in the excuses as to why we failed and why we should quit trying, silently adding to our feelings of loneliness and regret. Sadly, passion slowly dies as acceptance of discontent moves in. Yet destiny encourages us to move forward. It is in those seeming failures that we find the opportunity to build our understanding, as well as our resolve, to see our dreams through to reality. How can anything be a failure if it grows us? It is in those failures we can actually learn about ourselves: what we want, what we don’t want, what we are capable of and what we aren’t. We learn about what works and what doesn’t work. True failure only occurs when we quit believing in ourselves and our dreams all together; from believing that we are not capable of whatever we set our mind to; from believing that we do not deserve every ounce of what we give… from believing that our dreams will never take root.

I’ve always believed there was someone out there perfect for me, and me for him. I’ve witnessed people settle and in retrospect, I’ve seen where I have succumbed to settling myself…but I never stopped believing. I just allowed those things to stay in the way of my growth. Often in our search for love we will find failure, but there is always a lesson to be learned that makes us better for it…better for when we do finally find success. Love is most definitely alive and possible. All we have to do is believe and keep trying, learning as we go, finding the success in our failures. Because, rest assured when we do find it, it will require all that we are and all that we have learned to give. I have come to realize that everything I’ve been through has been purposeful in helping me learn more about myself so that I would be exactly who I need to be when I finally meet him. And I believe I have met him. I know the potential we have to grow together and it’s greater than anything I’ve ever seen or felt. I am who I need to be and with whom I’ve always wanted to be with. And that simple, sprouting avocado tells me that with patience and endurance, it will grow…stronger and better than I ever dreamed.

Life Expects Nothing Less Than All of What We Can Give

Well, seems I’ve had a lot of bonfires this weekend. Almost out of wood. The huge tree in my backyard faithfully sheds just enough to keep me in stock, yet I might need to break down and buy some firewood this year at the rate I’m going. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of things popping in my head I want to write about. Seems that always happens when my emotions are heightened: the need to be transparent. I learn a lot about myself when I write about what I’m feeling; the best reward is thinking that it could possibly help someone else, if only to let them know they aren’t alone. Guess it’s like any good song writer – the best lyrics come from real emotions. You cannot write about something you haven’t at some point, felt.

So I’m outside tonight. The November air is perfect; wrapped in my cozy red housecoat and fuzzy slippers enjoying the flames and some music on Pandora. The scenery is gorgeous – the full moon highlights the myriad of low rolling clouds just beyond the barren tree branches. It made me think about someone, which is commonplace lately. Of course I miss them, and start thinking about the “what if’s” in life…wondering if I’ve done or said all I could and second guessing myself. My oldest son texts me. Just chit chat at first. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. He stayed in high school an extra year to graduate and join the Army. He toughed out boot camp and has taken advantage of every extra military activity to earn all kinds of accreditations and certifications including becoming a certified medic. He’s been in the Army since 2008 and has experienced hard knocks but has always manages to end up on top. He texted back, “I am proud of you too, Mom. For doing whatever it took to raise me, Kelley and Mike. I wouldn’t be the way I am without u! J <3” How totally awesome is that?? That kid, well, man, really has a way of saying things that touch me so deep.

I guess the point is, it doesn’t matter if we are perfect, it only matters that we try our best and do whatever we can with the moments we are given. What follows is not up to us. I can look back and see all the things I should’ve done different. I can beat myself up for the things I wish I didn’t do, or the things I wish I had done; but, I did what I thought was right at the time, and definitely the best of what I was capable of. Time and experience, have the ability to sculpt us. Seeing how far I’ve come, I wouldn’t change a thing about who I am today. I don’t mean that to sound conceited, I’m just saying that all our falls, our tears, our challenges have the ability to make us better regardless if it doesn’t turn out how we had hoped. In all honesty we control nothing but our attitudes. Failure does not have to be the end, it can be a new beginning and sometimes that’s exactly what we need to force open our tightly shut eyes. The only failure is thinking that we have to accept being less than who we know we are and not moving forward in the process…it doesn’t matter if we fall 100 times as long as we get up 101 times.

I don’t know what my future holds. I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes, be disappointed and really look like a dork at times, but I will always give it my all, be confident in who I am, and step back and laugh at myself when I need to. I will continue to embrace my imperfections knowing there is someone out there just like me, who thinks I’m perfect; and I, him. Maybe we are both just working on ourselves so that when the time is right, we will both be ready to handle even more of life’s quips…together. All I know is, if I don’t give it my all, I’m cheating myself and whomever is meant to be the special man in my life.

No matter how it feels today, there are many great things yet in store, so until those times get here, appreciate every day as a blessing. A day to grow, appreciate and learn. When you give it your all, there is no room or reason to regret anything. We can look back as a way to realize how far we’ve come, and where we have yet to go. Life expects nothing less than all of what we can give…even if that doesn’t feel like much at times. Fortunately, most times, that’s all that is required. So, just keep doing whatever it takes and let the rest fall into place.

Embracing the Journey: Navigating Life’s Detours

And so, here I am….again. Now, after reading the next few lines you might be wondering why the heck I choose this photo….just keep reading. (If you like my photography, please ‘like’ my Facebook page.) I’ll cut to the chase. My daughter had a miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound last Thursday and they didn’t see anything. I knew then something was wrong. The following 5 days were hell: waiting, wondering, worrying, praying, doctor appointments, blood work, and more doctor appointments and more blood work. So…here I am to public deal with my thoughts.

All along I knew God’s hand was in it. Never doubted that for a second. She didn’t do anything wrong – matter of fact, just as my daughter always excels, she did everything right: drinking lots of water, eating right and exercising. It just wasn’t meant to be. My main concern is her. Her mental health in dealing with it. I also had a miscarriage when I was just short of her age. I didn’t even know I was pregnant and my relationship was going down hill fast, so I was actually relieved, but she had really accepted this and embraced it. We all did…

I still see some disappointment in her eyes and she is quicker to get angry – but I understand and I let her know I’m here if she wants to talk. I asked if she was going to try again and she said ‘no’ – she wants to be out of school and have her own place – she wants to do it right. (Funny, she didn’t say married. Thanks society.) Regardless, I am proud.

In order for me to be the supportive mom, it’s best I filter through my emotions right now. It’s been hard and I think she’s handling it better than me. Why?? At first I was a bit mad…at everyone. I had bought so much already and really had embraced the idea of being an awesome Grandma; determined to be the most Mom to my daughter, too. Now. It was gone. Just like that. Why? There is no answer. God is God. Suddenly, I felt I had nothing to look forward to. But, what had I looked forward to before this?? I had to get out of this funk so I prayed the most simpliest, shortest prayer I know, “Help me, Lord.”

As days go by, I am reminded of things. Just days before finding out about the pregnancy, I had completed separated myself from my ex – deleted, blocked, the whole 9 yards. The headache, the turmoil, the mistrust, the manipulation and games; I just couldn’t do it anymore – I was fooling myself to think he had what it takes to build a strong relationship…and maybe I was fooling myself that I was ready for it, too. I had to admit that what I thought we had was only a fantasy and fantasies are dreams that never come true. We were far from equally yolked. Even God had taken a back seat. We had common interests and goals but we were worlds apart on so many other important levels. Squares don’t fit into circles and if you try, you better have some Excedrin on hand cause all your gonna get is aggravated.

It was amazing…after finding out I was going to be a Grandma, dating quickly lost all it’s luster. I still missed him, but I knew I didn’t need him…or the headaches. The ‘whoever’ that was going to be in my life, my grandbaby’s life, would have to be extremely special and since my rose-colored glasses were finally coming into focus, I knew meeting anyone possessing those qualities wasn’t going to happen any time soon – and I was more than okay with that. I eventually decided to play the field, meet some new people while keeping my emotions in check and analyzing ‘me’ in the process. All of our habits have a root – and there has to be a root which causes my focus to blur, landing me in bad relationships. So, why do I do what I do? Some of the books I’ve been reading are excellent – “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant and “Yesterday I Cried” also by Iyanla (just found this at a book sale yesterday and already engulfed in it’s contents.) I’ll write a blog just about each book soon because they are so enlightening and inspiring – I’m actually reading the first book a second time – it was that good.

Long story short, after losing my grandbaby, I have no desire to even date – still up to meeting people (sometimes) but my grandeous idea that Mr. Right is out there has all but faded. I realize life is not about that anymore. Life is about relationships in general – my daughter, my friends, my family. No one can make me feel better but me – the light I’m looking for, the reason to live that I am looking for, is right here – in me. I love me! I’m a great person with great goals and great achievements. I have wonderful talents and some I’ve barely tapped in to. I WANT TO BE ME. That’s an awesome feeling.

I have so much going for me and I’m not letting another moment slip by or get put off because of some guy. I’m pulling my head up out of the sand and refusing to take one more blessing for granted. In the last 3 days I’ve been invited to set up a photo booth at a major event (which could prove to be very profitable), booked a FREE 4 day vacation to Nevada with my best friend and purchased a new refrigerator and stove. I even joined Sigma Alpha Pi; after attending orientation, I feel a strong urge to run for a leadership position – maybe fund raising.

So, maybe now my photograph at the beginning of this post makes sense. It’s not where we end up, it’s how we navigate the now – the roadblocks, the obstacles, the challenges, the upsets. It’s not that we win every time, but it’s how we get back up and keep going. Cry if you need to cry, be mad if you need to be mad. They are your feelings and you’ve got to let them out – just don’t let them stop you from moving on. Life’s journey is scattered with beauty.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”~ Revelation 21:4

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk, and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31

“When times are good, be happy. When times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.” ~ Ecc 7:14

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” ~ Colossians 3:1

“If you like yourself you’ll never run out of good friends.” ~ Joyce Meyer

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