Tag Archives: scary

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Missouri-139-v2 Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.


Choices Lead to Chances

This has been on my mind for some time. Figured it was time to blog about it.

It’s simple really: “Our choices lead way to our chances.” That’s it. Think about it. We cannot achieve everything nor can we make everything happen. Yes. Sometimes we get ‘lucky’ but more often than not, we played a part in being at the right place at the right time. Often, we just need to foster an atmosphere in which those things can grow. We can’t seclude ourselves or hide in a closet. Likewise, we cannot permit ourselves to wallow in our defeats. It may feel impossible, but if you continue thinking you have it rough or that you never catch a break, guess what? You probably won’t. This world can be cruel and rough. There’s no pot of gold at the end of rainbow. It’s going to take a lot more than a hike to discover our treasures here on earth. It’s going to take confidence, determination and an attitude that whatever happens, you’re not giving up.

Remember what I said about hanging out and talking to people who are constantly negative? You’ll get some on you eventually. Be careful who you confide in. If you find yourself not wanting to share news with someone, you better stop and ask yourself why. Will they point out the bad? Will they support a bad decision? Will they encourage you to take another path? Are you confiding in someone just because you know they will support a bad decision?? We are responsible for surrounding ourselves with positive people, starting with ourselves! You may not want to hear their consistently cheery, uplifted voices singing praise for all the little things, but trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than being around someone who has a gift of finding the bad in every situation. It gets tiresome. It’s gets….heavy. It becomes a burden and without realizing it, it starts to rub off.

This may sound odd, but, you don’t alawys have to believe everything a positive person says, or even everything you tell yourself. Maybe you don’t feel today is going to get any better, but tell yourself, ‘today will be better’ anyway. And if it isn’t. Well, you tried. And now…tomorrow is going to be better. (Get it?) Doesn’t that sound like a much better alternative than telling yourself every morning how much this day is going to suck? It would get to the point where you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed and end up a part of that cable commerical on TV reenacting movie scenes with Charlie Sheen. (bahaha!) I mean, really. Life will have its moments of sucking, so let it suck on its own. 😉

I see myself in my daughter…she’s going through a hard time right now. Lots of new responsibilities on the horizon, opportunities and choices at every turn, and a broken heart to boot. Yet I read as she posts words of encouragement on her Facebook page. I know she’s hurting, but she’s keeping her chin up. She had her moment of solace and now, she’s picking up and moving on. She’s making choices that will lead to chances. She’s like a little mini-me. I want to cry because I’m so proud. I know she won’t always make the right decision, but she’s thinking them through, confiding in the right people and she’s making them. She’s not letting life control her, she’s taking control of her life. Even if we don’t believe it, there are powers in our words. Yes. Plural. They can be powers of good or powers of bad. We can expound a view of negativity and constant sorrow, or we can allow ourselves a period of bereavement and move on. It’s a choice…and choices lead way to our chances. (I’m so proud of you sis, and I’ll always be here for you, even when I have to say the things I know you don’t want to hear. Just like my Mom did for me.)

If we settle for being at the bottom of the hill, we will stay there. If we compromise our happiness by embracing defeat and sadness in the valley, we will miss out on our chance to return once again to the top of the mountain. My boyfriend told me the other day, “the mountain isn’t so scary for a climber.“ So, BE that climber. I’m not saying you can’t be sad, can’t have a bad day, what I’m saying is, don’t permit yourself to stay in the valley. Take life for what it is: a series of lessons and tests, a roller coaster of ups and down. Don’t fool yourself in believing it’s easy for anyone and more importantly, don’t give up…don’t let chances get away.


NOTE: I wrote this is a hurry so forgive me for not editing and revising. I just wanted to get this posted…I had the chance, so I took it 🙂

Oh. And as I write about my daughter, I realized, it’s my mother’s birthday. She’d be 81…wow. In 2001 she had a stroke that paralyzed her entire left side. Two years later, on Easter Sunday, she passed away. That day I lost my top advisor, my biggest skeptic and my #1 fan, but I am comforted, and motivated, by the thought that she continues to surround me, looking down and smiling on me from time to time. I hope she sees all the things she taught me. Not only with the words she said, but by the way in which she lived. More importantly, I hope she sees how I’ve carried that love, confidence, devotion and determination to my daughter. ❤ Happy birthday, Mom. 🙂