Kick Me When I’m Down

What is it about today? I am so exhausted. It’s like I didn’t get any sleep at all, but I did. Kelley and I were getting along great until she rudely wanted to leave as we were having dinner with my advisor. We patched it up before we even got to her friends so I felt better. I drove by church but it’s hard to concentrate today so I decided to pass up church tonight and had every intention to blog a song and go to bed early. Then, I get home and the phone’s ringing. It was my dad so I answered it. Almost immediately he lays into me about the law mower being left out. First time I’ve done it since I’ve had it. The day I mowed it was so friggin hot. I didn’t even get to finish because I could barely breathe. And, I just simply forgot about it. Sheer accident. I didn’t do it on purpose nor was I trying to ‘tear it up’. I felt like I was being interrogated. See, my brother gave me the lawn mower last summer. It’s nice. Nothing extremely fancy but it does a great job. Always starts on the first pull. Needless to say, he proceeds to tell me how much my brother paid for it and that he wants it back. I told him I didn’t need his crap and to come get it if he wants it back so bad. I hung up. Remember how I told you I steer clear of my dad? This is exactly why. When I’m in a mood like this, I just can’t sit there and be drilled like I’m a child. And when I’m feeling this low, I lash out. It’s not right. I know that.

I’m so tired of strings being attached to things. I thought when you gave something to someone, that means you gave it to them?? It’s theirs now. Dad has always had strings on everything. If he gives you anything, and you accept it, you have to behave. You have to follow his rules or he’ll take it away, or even worse, make you feel like the smallest form of human on the planet. I’m 40 years old. I think that qualifies me as a grown up. Do I do everything perfect to his standards?? I can give you a solid ‘no’ on that one. Do I purposely tear things up and treat them bad? NO. It was an accident. It was an oversight. I’m human.

Okay…I’m thinking I should call him back but I’m afraid. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to get so mad that I can’t control my mouth. God help me. Someone has to be the bigger person. I have to remember what I preach so far as he doesn’t make me feel this way, I let him make me feel this way. And harsh words are not something God approves of, from my dad or me. I acted hastily. I just got home and he caught me off guard. (Proverbs 14:17, 14:29, 15:1) I need to overlook my dad’s words and not take them as such an offense. (Proverbs 19:11).  I let my anger get the best of me…and I only matched his anger with my own. My spirit is heavy because of this and only until I call and make it right will it feel any better. He is my dad. Neither of us are perfect.

Okay. I called him. And, as you all would guess, it turned out good. I apologized for being quick tempered and for leaving the lawn mower out. He said I need to take care of it or it won’t start (duh). I told him it was an accident and I didn’t do it on purpose. I also added that if he wants it back, to take it because I’m not going to worry about whether or not I need to buy one. (I had to stand up for myself on that note.) We talked for almost 30 minutes, about Obama (ugh) about my son, Michael…and then he told me he had a funeral to go to tomorrow morning – my mother’s cousin. He also said another of his friends passed away this week, too. Soooooo, now maybe I can see where his mind was at. (Proverbs 14:29) He is just trying to educate me while he still can – even though he’s just not that good at it. While his form may suck, his goal is valid. He told me how bad his knees have been hurting – thinks its arthritis. Told him he needs to call his doctor…he will…next week – doesn’t want to pay the co-pay. I told him he still needs to take care of it…before it gets too late and it causes him more problems. If you don’t care of yourself, you may not start one day. (wink, wink…I hope you all got that!)

God is right. We need to love each other like we want to be loved. If I waited for him to call me it would’ve been awhile. In reality, it would’ve only been more time to be angry and resentful. Hanging onto the bitterness only hardens our hearts and makes it harder for us to forgive. (Galatians 5:13-15) I can’t expect him to do anything I’m not willing to do myself. He’s my dad. Neither of us are perfect, but without him I wouldn’t have life. And, although he may drive me absolutely nuts…I do love that man. Now…think I’ll go mark my calendar and make sure he goes to the doctor next week…ya know, just to check and make sure he is taking care of things, too.  

“A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.” Proverbs 14:17

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” Proverbs 14:29

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11 

“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:9 

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” ~ Ephesians 4: 31-32

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” ~ Galatians 5:13-15


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