Tag Archives: Victory

Way Too Long

Well hello there! Remember me? Sorry for it being so long since I last posted. I’ll try to do better in 2013.

So, we got moved to Georgia in mid September of 2012 and the day after – yes, the day after we unloaded the last truck, we got the dreaded call – the contract had fell through. Yep. We loaded one more truck and headed home to Indiana. That was a scary and defeated feeling. I hated those days. Saying goodbye to something that I had no sooner said hello. The thoughts that rushed through me were common; ‘Why?’ Why did we literally pack everything we own and spend $1000’s of dollars just to move right back? My Mom taught me the most valueable lesson of my life in her last days. “There’s always a reason, we just aren’t meant to know why sometimes.”

By the end of October we were back in Indiana. His folks visited us a couple time for the holidays and I was very happy to host my family twice when my sons came to visit. My middle son came first the beginning of December with his wife and my first grandson, Riott. We had 21 family members over for Sunday dinner. It was amazing! Always wanted a place big enough to host my ever-growing family. If you think 21 is large – that was not even half of my immediate family. My nephew and niece-in-law announced their big news: due in July!! Yes, yet another grandchild to add to the family tree. What a joyous moment!

Hosting the family wasn’t near as much stress as I thought it would be and I was glad to do it again in January when my oldest son visited with his new wife. She’s due May 22 – yes, going to be grandma x2! YAY!! Another branch extends forth!! Found out it will be another boy, Noah. Can’t wait to meet him. Sucks that we live so far away. Doesn’t matter if I live in Indiana or Georgia or ‘Timbucktoo’; both my sons live in Missouri. That’s probably the part I don’t like about my life most right now; I can’t just stop over and see my kids/grandkids. Can’t just babysit and spoil my offspring’s offspring…but thank God for modern technology. I can text, call, Skype and keep up on their to-do-n’s on Facebook. I can see progressive baby belly pics and hear all about her craving and emotional boundings. I can still offer my motherly advise and be involved. It’s the little things 🙂

I found a new job – one I love so much. I work from home now. It’s great!! I actually turned down 2 other offers in town. That was scary. I’ve never worked on a contract like this before and after what happened to Dave’s contract last year, I feared the worse. Besides, I cannot recall ever turning down a job offer, but something told me to take this one. I knew it meant I had to disciplined. I knew the risks. It took almost a month before I actually started. I worried if it was real. But my worries were soon layed to rest. When I started working, it was just as I remembered. It was like dusting off a bike and hopping back on – I was a little wobbly the first couple days but before I knew it, I was doing flips and coasting with my hands up in the air! The people I work with are fun, dedicated, understanding and just down right great people. They have faith and that really sold me on them. They weren’t afraid to say it in both my interviews. Know how when you talk to someone, you just click? Well, that’s the way it was with this team. I’m glad I listened to my gut.

And it’s a good thing I took that remote job – we are back in Georgia!! Yep. Last truck is unloaded and no call yet. (And there better not be, God willing! Lol!) I have faith that this time is it. We are here for good. Today marks his first day at his new job. Kinda scary, but in a good way. Dave and I are as strong as ever. He even left me a little note in my office this morning. Love those little moments…don’t think he realizes how much…

So, what’s the moral of this blog? Don’t give up. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the best things happen out of the worst circumstances. It is our struggles – our victories and our defeats – that makes us who we are. We can chose to begrudge life and anticipate the next hurdle or we can face each day for what it is, knowing that we have the opportunity to rise above, grow and be grateful. I got to host my family not once, but twice. I got to have my sons over and create some new memories together. I got to spend some quality time with my daugther who is growing into the woman I knew she could be. I got to overcome one of life worst disappointments with the one I love. I am thankful for technology that allows me to stay connected no matter where I am. I am thankful for my faith that continues to see me through – and I am reminded that through God’s strength, we can do anything.

Until next time!

 

“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.”  ~ Psalm 69:32

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”  ~ Romans 12:2

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7

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To…Someone

Someone needs to hear this. Someone needs to see that they aren’t much different than me. Someone can relate to my desperation and needs to see the true meaning of faith…so…here goes.

As you may know from reading previous blogs, I was devastated to find out my special friend wasn’t who I thought he was. I thought we were both following God, trying to get our lives straight so that we could potentially enjoy a healthy life together in the future, if God allowed. Yet, I found out he was seeing someone two months before we even met, and it brought me to my knees. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work. I wanted answers, I wanted to understand what was going on: surely it couldn’t be as bad as it appeared…but it was. The reality smacked me like a brick to the forehead. How could someone outright lie like that? How could someone toy with love and emotions? On eHarmony he listed that the quality he was looking for most in someone was ‘honesty’. He told me secrets of his past, his introduction to God…he said he loved me, that he never thought he would love again after what his ex-wife did to him. It was lies, all lies. My world, or at least that part of it, crumbled around me. 

Sitting at home for days, I read my bible and listened to praise music. I spoke to my friend and accountability partner from church – matter of fact she and another Christian friend were the only one I spoke to those 5 days besides my special friend and God. The bible says he will give us a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13) but where is it?? Why is it so elusive?? There is no worse place than being stuck in despair, but I knew God was with me. He had to be. That’s what His Word says over and over again.

Here’s where we have to remember the definition of ‘faith’: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.Hebrews 11:1. I sure couldn’t see the way out, and I sure couldn’t feel the love surging through me like I wanted, but I knew He was there because of my faith. There was not going to be a glowing neon sign above the path I needed to take – I had to trust Him. At times I did feel a glimmer of calm, and that helped, but I needed more. So I prayed for it over and over again. I put my trust in God and tried with all my might to let go, but it would creep back in and take my heart and soul over like a hostage attack.

Even in this time I stumbled. I probably texted him when I shouldn’t have. I probably rationalized where I shouldn’t have, but I always prayed, always asked God to help me, give me clarity, light my path. My mind just seemed to keep going and going. I couldn’t shut it up, no matter how hard I tried it crept back in like a cunning thief. No sooner did I feel a bit of relief, I succumbed to the pain, the memories, the reality that maybe he was just a liar and a cheat and I was a fool. What did I do to deserve this? I couldn’t bare it. At one point, I had the notion to just polish off a bottle of sleeping pills. I wanted to escape so bad – anything to numb the pain. (I have a bottle of prescribed sleeping pills that are at least 5 years old. I only use them when my restless leg syndrome prevents me from sleeping which is very rare – I hate pills.) Thankfully, I made it over that hill. I vividly recall kneeling at my bed, crying, wailing, hurting, praying. I imagined God at my side, holding my head while I hurt. His eyes…

Later, that desperation returned in full force – this time it was even more powerful. I wanted to escape again. I’m not stupid enough to commit suicide or try to hurt myself, but what’s the harm in taking one pill so I could sleep it off? But…I knew it would be there when I returned. I’m sure I looked like an idiot, sobbing uncontrollably and aimlessly pacing the house. I justified to God that I needed this little pill in my hand. “I can’t handle it anymore, Lord!” Almost immediately, I recognized that I did have a choice. Oh, I wanted to take that easy way so bad but I just knew it was the wrong way. Going that way would only lead me around that mountain again and I was tired of traveling that same lonely path of pain and sorrow. In reality, I was debating on taking the easy way out – a temporary escape. Boy did I need God, more than ever. I WANTED A TRUE RELEASE NOT TEMPORARY!! I raised that pill to heaven and said “God, I DON’T NEED THIS! I NEED YOU!” I slammed it on the kitchen table, clutched my bible and collapsed onto the couch. It’s a good thing I write my favorite passages on note cards for easy access – I pulled those cards out and just started reciting them out loud. My mind was so scattered I couldn’t focus on the words; I’d have to read and re-read them through sobbing tears. I spoke them out loud and offered them as a prayer to God because I didn’t know what to pray or what to do; I just knew what I couldn’t do. I wanted God to know how serious I was about wanting to heal, about wanting to get off this old beaten path. I wanted to demonstrate my faith, exercise my trust in Him. And that made all the difference in the world.

Did I snap out of it? No. Not immediately, but I did return to a peaceful place. Peace doesn’t mean the removal of doubt or pain, it means the acceptance of it of whatever it is we are going through. In church that Sunday I confidently felt the words “do nothing”. I couldn’t believe it, but try as I might, I listened. That’s when I realized the truth would only come from his girlfriend. Was it right for me to contact her? Some would argue, but I really don’t care…I gave that to God. I needed the truth, not all of it, but enough to move on. At that point I only suspected he was dating us at the same time. Was it hard to let him go? Your damn right.  I can’t just stop loving someone. My heart doesn’t have a shut off valve. We all have faults and I was willing to accept his, but he was bad for me. I can’t accept lies and unfaithfullness. He said he was following God – I had to let go. I had to give him and my situation to God. Even after that day I had to give him to God repeatedly, but today, I am much better off because of it. I see more than just the truth about him, I see the truth in God, in myself. He is there. Faith is real. His love is unconditional and overwhelming and I can do it with Him at my side. PRAISE GOD! I walk with Him in confidence because I know He will shed just enough light for the step I’m on.

Whatever you’re going through, whatever trials you’re facing right now – whatever you do – don’t give up. Don’t take the easy route. It will be hard but don’t succumb to your desire to escape whether that’s through pills or enduring more hurt. You are worth more than that! Face it head on. Have faith. I warn you, the devil won’t like your resistance and he will try harder than ever to pull you back into your bad habits and bad choices, but you must resist. It will be the battle of your life, for your life, but there’s a victory that can be yours if you choose to invite God to be at your side. When you aren’t strong enough, God is. Trust Him. Have faith. It may not feel like strength, it may not be anything you ever expected, but I promise you, you are not alone and this is not the end. The end is not the end. Once you move towards God, you become a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17). The death of who you use to be will not be without pain – you didn’t become this way overnight: these trials and tribulations didn’t just happen. It’s a process. So, give it to God, repeatedly if you have to, keep praying, keep reading, keep worshipping and praising Him through the storm, keep your faith and let the healing and the transformation begin! Surround yourself with a church family. Take the opportunity to let the end of what you’re feeling be the beginning of something great. You are worth it and so am I.

‎”The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so you can endure.” ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” ~ Proverbs 1:7

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding”. ~ Proverbs 9:10

“An inheritance quickly gained at the beginning will not be blessed at the end.” ~ Proverbs 20:21

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:8

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

Long Black Train

The long black train resembles addiction and sin. The engineer is the devil. He wants you to climb aboard and he’ll do whatever he can to coax you on there. He’ll make it sound great and without consequence, but in reality it leads nowhere…only hell. The only true victory in God. Cling to Him. Talk to Him. You don’t have to have the perfect prayer, just when you wake up, thank God that you have another day. Ask Him to walk with you, to guard you against the devil, to reveal where He wants you to go.

My philosophy is, always thank Him. He made the sky, the earth, the heavens. If you think you have nothing to be thankful for, think of the flowers that bloom, the sun that rises. God doesn’t just want to be there when you’re struggling, He wants to be there when you’re happy, so thank Him. Then, as with any good hygiene regimen, repeat!