Tag Archives: photos

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Missouri-139-v2 Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.

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Memory Purge: The Art of Letting Go

There I am, gloomy Saturday morning, cleaning my room. I actually enjoy the sun hiding while it rains. It creates an ambiance of tranquility. The house is quite. Everyone is gone…just me and the soft pittering of rain on my window pane.

As I clean I find some old memories of my special friend and I recall what my accountability partner told me the day after I confronted him, “Get rid of it all, Angie – the pictures, the texts, everything.” Let go of the old so the new can have a place in my life. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17. I had to let the old go. Honestly, it took a couple days but reluctantly, I did discard the texts, photos… and surprisingly, it didn’t take long before I began to feel a lifting in my spirit. No more constant looking back; no more rehashing. No more trying to ‘figure it out’…it is what it is – or better – it was what it was. Naturally my focus redirected to my future, not the past. The new, not the old.

I sat on my bed and started to post this on Facebook, but it deserves a spot on my blog. I often pray that God lead me to what I should write and times like these, I know He hears me. I’m actually crying, but these are happy tears. I know that I know that God is with me right now.  He doesn’t want me to hurt –He doesn’t want any of us to hurt. He wants us to grow and go forward. That’s why He laid it on my heart to sit down and write what I’m feeling right now. Letting go of the old, we allow ourselves to become new. Hanging onto the past keeps us connected to the pain; it doesn’t allow for us to fully heal.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” ~ Revelation 21:4-5

There is a special freedom in purging the things that bind us to bad memories…photos, poems, cards, texts, emails, notes, etc. By letting go of them, I let go of the mourning, the pain. I make way for the new – I make way for true healing. Those days are gone and recalling them only stirs up old feelings: resentment, regret…pain. Let your new self emerge! It will happen! I didn’t realize the impact of doing so but I’m telling you – it is so worth it. The things I can’t purge like clothes, music, movie lines…I avoided them for a long time, but they also are slowly forming new meaning. They are becoming a signal of a rebirth in my spirit…a renewing of my soul. A reminder that better days are yet to come, but they can’t if we are holding on.

I forgive myself for not unclenching my grip sooner – for not seeing the signs that were evident, for not adhering to the unsettling in my spirit that could have avoided most of this turmoil. I can let all that go because I take from it a valuable lesson. I know what I don’t want. And…I forgive him, too. The lies, the deceit, the infidelity; those are his crosses to bare. That’s between him and God. Sadly, not everyone can be saved, not even those who claim to want it – but I do. Onward bound…  

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” ~ Luke 7:47