Tag Archives: growing up

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Missouri-139-v2 Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.

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Memories…

Just wanted to post my new art. Here’s to a wonderful weekend with my kids. I’ve gotten to spend more time with them then usual lately. Saturday night was the first night in a few months since we’ve all been together at the same time. Funny…kids grow right before our eyes. They are little time bombs…cuz before you know it – BOOM! Years have went by and you find yourself remembering all their firsts: first tooth, first steps, first words, first boo-boo, first day of Kindergarten…all the way up to the first day behind the wheel, graduating high school and first day of college. Where did the time go?? Who hit fast forward??

But I look at the present, and I’m so proud. I did good – especially since I raised them practically by myself. My boys’ dad has no idea what he’s done our kids by not being there. But I can’t focus on that or hold a grudge. I have to give that anger to God. (Romans 12:19) However, kudos to Kelley’s dad. My parents were always there for me, too…and I owe my success to them. I could’ve really went down a few horrible roads if not for their support and guidance. (Some of that guidance I didn’t adhere to right away, but it stuck.) I know they weren’t perfect…and neither am I, but they did the best they could…and so have I. (Ecc. 7:20) Do I regret some of my choices? Hell yes. Do I feel some of my choices hurt my kids? Definitely. Can I go back and change it? Unfortunately, no. but I love each one of my children dearly…with a love that is undescribable. And all I can do is look forward. Make each day better then the day before. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart. Much like God loves each of His children. Imagining God as our Holy Father brings Him into a brighter light. While my father wasn’t the most loving, I know my Father in heaven is. He has nothing but unconditional love for all His children – and I’m thankful to be one of them. But just like a Father, He wants us to live right…(Deut. 8:5) I know He forgives me and unlike before, I am determined to live right by Him. To live this life He gave me to the fullest. I can’t be discouraged, I just have to learn and grow knowing He is there. (Joshua 1:9)

Looking foward to the future, I see great opportunities for my children. I pray that God walks with them like He did me. I pray that I can be there for them like my parents. It’s scary to think of my kids making some of the decisions I’ve made over the years. Probably the one thing that scares me most. Makes me want to call my mom and apologize for all the hell I put her through…but…she knows. Just like I will someday, too.

“Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.” ~ Deuteronomy 8:5

“…be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” ~ Romans 12:9

“Do not take revenge, my friend, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will replay’ says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19

“Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” ~ Romans 12:21

“There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:20