Tag Archives: end

Before You Know It

Happy Monday, folks. Well, I’ve had my coffee and have succombed to the morning, so it’s happy, but more so because I say it is. Plus, I woke up. That’s a bonus.

It seems my emotional state has been heightened lately. Maybe that is partly from not living on our own yet. I love his folks but not having your privacy takes it toll. And maybe part of that is being away from my kids. Maybe not being away, but realizing that they are all adults now. They don’t need me like they use to. They still need me, of course, but now it’s different.

I became a grandma in September 2012 and again in April 2013. Seeing my boys with their own children…that’s just a crazy feeling. People tout how great it is being a grandparent – and yes, it is all that but there’s another level that is often overlooked: seeing your child become a parent. The look in their eyes when they hold their child. The concern in their voice. It brings back memories of when I held them. And now, look at them, holding their own.

Missouri-139-v2 Mom use to tell me that you always worry about your kids, no matter how old. Man. Was she right. I pray for their marriages, for their kids, for their health, for their jobs, for the ability to make good decisions and cling to their faith. It’s never ending. And yes, Mom was right. The worry gets bigger as they get bigger. It’s no longer just a matter o worrying if they will scrap a knee or get their feelings hurt at school…

We also hear oh so often how “I’m turning into my mother/father”. Well, I definitely feel like I’m looking through different lenses. It’s like I’ve crossed another threshhold. Like when I watch my kids with their kids; I think to myself “So this is how my Mom felt.” It makes me miss her. My older siblings do not know how blessed they were. I was 33 when Mom passed. (And in that instant, I turned 5 again.) She didn’t get to see my grandkids. She didn’t get to meet Dave. She didn’t get to see me overcome my addictions and really make something of my life. I believe she is still around me. Albeit not the same, I find comfort in believing that she visits and knows how happy I am and how far I’ve come. I believe she sees that all the prayers she prayed for me, worked.

I guess what has gotten to me is, the realization that time doesn’t stop. Some threshholds are bigger than others… I can recall hollering for my mom to watch me do flips on the clothesline pole. I remember her opening the back door and hollering for me when I didn’t want come in from the rain. I remember her disappointment when I was caught playing sick at school and she had to come pick me up, when I stayed out past my curfew, when I dropped out of school. I remember her walking into the hospital room the day I gave birth to my first child. I remember her in her wheelchair, being there for my first college graduation. I remember that call at 4am that she had a stroke…I remember seeing her. It didn’t look like her. I remember her hospital bed in the living room and sitting on her bedside, crying when she asked what I wanted after she passed. Some day that will be me…I can only hope that I have a slue of grandkids, a book of stories, and all the aches and pains that come with age. And I can only hope that I’ve instilled good values in my children who will pass them on to their children, who will ultimately carry it forward after I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I’m so into photography. It’s a way you can stop time. Capture a memory, share it and relive it.

So, what’s the moral of this post? Heck. I don’t know. The old cliches just don’t seem to cut it anymore: ‘Live life to the fullest’, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, ‘Give it all you’ve got’…when we reach the end, who knows what happens next. All I know is, we will all makes mistakes. We will all have some type of regret. We will all fall down and hopefully, we will all get up better than we were before. We will all have good memories and yes, they will be sprinkled with some bad. I guess the moral is, own it. It’s yours. Take photos. Document your life. Leave behind something good. Be grateful for today, be grateful for yesterday and for as many tomorrows as you can get. Embrace the good and the bad and all the treshholds of life. It’s over before we know it.

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To…Someone

Someone needs to hear this. Someone needs to see that they aren’t much different than me. Someone can relate to my desperation and needs to see the true meaning of faith…so…here goes.

As you may know from reading previous blogs, I was devastated to find out my special friend wasn’t who I thought he was. I thought we were both following God, trying to get our lives straight so that we could potentially enjoy a healthy life together in the future, if God allowed. Yet, I found out he was seeing someone two months before we even met, and it brought me to my knees. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work. I wanted answers, I wanted to understand what was going on: surely it couldn’t be as bad as it appeared…but it was. The reality smacked me like a brick to the forehead. How could someone outright lie like that? How could someone toy with love and emotions? On eHarmony he listed that the quality he was looking for most in someone was ‘honesty’. He told me secrets of his past, his introduction to God…he said he loved me, that he never thought he would love again after what his ex-wife did to him. It was lies, all lies. My world, or at least that part of it, crumbled around me. 

Sitting at home for days, I read my bible and listened to praise music. I spoke to my friend and accountability partner from church – matter of fact she and another Christian friend were the only one I spoke to those 5 days besides my special friend and God. The bible says he will give us a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13) but where is it?? Why is it so elusive?? There is no worse place than being stuck in despair, but I knew God was with me. He had to be. That’s what His Word says over and over again.

Here’s where we have to remember the definition of ‘faith’: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.Hebrews 11:1. I sure couldn’t see the way out, and I sure couldn’t feel the love surging through me like I wanted, but I knew He was there because of my faith. There was not going to be a glowing neon sign above the path I needed to take – I had to trust Him. At times I did feel a glimmer of calm, and that helped, but I needed more. So I prayed for it over and over again. I put my trust in God and tried with all my might to let go, but it would creep back in and take my heart and soul over like a hostage attack.

Even in this time I stumbled. I probably texted him when I shouldn’t have. I probably rationalized where I shouldn’t have, but I always prayed, always asked God to help me, give me clarity, light my path. My mind just seemed to keep going and going. I couldn’t shut it up, no matter how hard I tried it crept back in like a cunning thief. No sooner did I feel a bit of relief, I succumbed to the pain, the memories, the reality that maybe he was just a liar and a cheat and I was a fool. What did I do to deserve this? I couldn’t bare it. At one point, I had the notion to just polish off a bottle of sleeping pills. I wanted to escape so bad – anything to numb the pain. (I have a bottle of prescribed sleeping pills that are at least 5 years old. I only use them when my restless leg syndrome prevents me from sleeping which is very rare – I hate pills.) Thankfully, I made it over that hill. I vividly recall kneeling at my bed, crying, wailing, hurting, praying. I imagined God at my side, holding my head while I hurt. His eyes…

Later, that desperation returned in full force – this time it was even more powerful. I wanted to escape again. I’m not stupid enough to commit suicide or try to hurt myself, but what’s the harm in taking one pill so I could sleep it off? But…I knew it would be there when I returned. I’m sure I looked like an idiot, sobbing uncontrollably and aimlessly pacing the house. I justified to God that I needed this little pill in my hand. “I can’t handle it anymore, Lord!” Almost immediately, I recognized that I did have a choice. Oh, I wanted to take that easy way so bad but I just knew it was the wrong way. Going that way would only lead me around that mountain again and I was tired of traveling that same lonely path of pain and sorrow. In reality, I was debating on taking the easy way out – a temporary escape. Boy did I need God, more than ever. I WANTED A TRUE RELEASE NOT TEMPORARY!! I raised that pill to heaven and said “God, I DON’T NEED THIS! I NEED YOU!” I slammed it on the kitchen table, clutched my bible and collapsed onto the couch. It’s a good thing I write my favorite passages on note cards for easy access – I pulled those cards out and just started reciting them out loud. My mind was so scattered I couldn’t focus on the words; I’d have to read and re-read them through sobbing tears. I spoke them out loud and offered them as a prayer to God because I didn’t know what to pray or what to do; I just knew what I couldn’t do. I wanted God to know how serious I was about wanting to heal, about wanting to get off this old beaten path. I wanted to demonstrate my faith, exercise my trust in Him. And that made all the difference in the world.

Did I snap out of it? No. Not immediately, but I did return to a peaceful place. Peace doesn’t mean the removal of doubt or pain, it means the acceptance of it of whatever it is we are going through. In church that Sunday I confidently felt the words “do nothing”. I couldn’t believe it, but try as I might, I listened. That’s when I realized the truth would only come from his girlfriend. Was it right for me to contact her? Some would argue, but I really don’t care…I gave that to God. I needed the truth, not all of it, but enough to move on. At that point I only suspected he was dating us at the same time. Was it hard to let him go? Your damn right.  I can’t just stop loving someone. My heart doesn’t have a shut off valve. We all have faults and I was willing to accept his, but he was bad for me. I can’t accept lies and unfaithfullness. He said he was following God – I had to let go. I had to give him and my situation to God. Even after that day I had to give him to God repeatedly, but today, I am much better off because of it. I see more than just the truth about him, I see the truth in God, in myself. He is there. Faith is real. His love is unconditional and overwhelming and I can do it with Him at my side. PRAISE GOD! I walk with Him in confidence because I know He will shed just enough light for the step I’m on.

Whatever you’re going through, whatever trials you’re facing right now – whatever you do – don’t give up. Don’t take the easy route. It will be hard but don’t succumb to your desire to escape whether that’s through pills or enduring more hurt. You are worth more than that! Face it head on. Have faith. I warn you, the devil won’t like your resistance and he will try harder than ever to pull you back into your bad habits and bad choices, but you must resist. It will be the battle of your life, for your life, but there’s a victory that can be yours if you choose to invite God to be at your side. When you aren’t strong enough, God is. Trust Him. Have faith. It may not feel like strength, it may not be anything you ever expected, but I promise you, you are not alone and this is not the end. The end is not the end. Once you move towards God, you become a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17). The death of who you use to be will not be without pain – you didn’t become this way overnight: these trials and tribulations didn’t just happen. It’s a process. So, give it to God, repeatedly if you have to, keep praying, keep reading, keep worshipping and praising Him through the storm, keep your faith and let the healing and the transformation begin! Surround yourself with a church family. Take the opportunity to let the end of what you’re feeling be the beginning of something great. You are worth it and so am I.

‎”The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so you can endure.” ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” ~ Proverbs 1:7

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding”. ~ Proverbs 9:10

“An inheritance quickly gained at the beginning will not be blessed at the end.” ~ Proverbs 20:21

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:8

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17