Tag Archives: disappointment

Way Too Long

Well hello there! Remember me? Sorry for it being so long since I last posted. I’ll try to do better in 2013.

So, we got moved to Georgia in mid September of 2012 and the day after – yes, the day after we unloaded the last truck, we got the dreaded call – the contract had fell through. Yep. We loaded one more truck and headed home to Indiana. That was a scary and defeated feeling. I hated those days. Saying goodbye to something that I had no sooner said hello. The thoughts that rushed through me were common; ‘Why?’ Why did we literally pack everything we own and spend $1000’s of dollars just to move right back? My Mom taught me the most valueable lesson of my life in her last days. “There’s always a reason, we just aren’t meant to know why sometimes.”

By the end of October we were back in Indiana. His folks visited us a couple time for the holidays and I was very happy to host my family twice when my sons came to visit. My middle son came first the beginning of December with his wife and my first grandson, Riott. We had 21 family members over for Sunday dinner. It was amazing! Always wanted a place big enough to host my ever-growing family. If you think 21 is large – that was not even half of my immediate family. My nephew and niece-in-law announced their big news: due in July!! Yes, yet another grandchild to add to the family tree. What a joyous moment!

Hosting the family wasn’t near as much stress as I thought it would be and I was glad to do it again in January when my oldest son visited with his new wife. She’s due May 22 – yes, going to be grandma x2! YAY!! Another branch extends forth!! Found out it will be another boy, Noah. Can’t wait to meet him. Sucks that we live so far away. Doesn’t matter if I live in Indiana or Georgia or ‘Timbucktoo’; both my sons live in Missouri. That’s probably the part I don’t like about my life most right now; I can’t just stop over and see my kids/grandkids. Can’t just babysit and spoil my offspring’s offspring…but thank God for modern technology. I can text, call, Skype and keep up on their to-do-n’s on Facebook. I can see progressive baby belly pics and hear all about her craving and emotional boundings. I can still offer my motherly advise and be involved. It’s the little things 🙂

I found a new job – one I love so much. I work from home now. It’s great!! I actually turned down 2 other offers in town. That was scary. I’ve never worked on a contract like this before and after what happened to Dave’s contract last year, I feared the worse. Besides, I cannot recall ever turning down a job offer, but something told me to take this one. I knew it meant I had to disciplined. I knew the risks. It took almost a month before I actually started. I worried if it was real. But my worries were soon layed to rest. When I started working, it was just as I remembered. It was like dusting off a bike and hopping back on – I was a little wobbly the first couple days but before I knew it, I was doing flips and coasting with my hands up in the air! The people I work with are fun, dedicated, understanding and just down right great people. They have faith and that really sold me on them. They weren’t afraid to say it in both my interviews. Know how when you talk to someone, you just click? Well, that’s the way it was with this team. I’m glad I listened to my gut.

And it’s a good thing I took that remote job – we are back in Georgia!! Yep. Last truck is unloaded and no call yet. (And there better not be, God willing! Lol!) I have faith that this time is it. We are here for good. Today marks his first day at his new job. Kinda scary, but in a good way. Dave and I are as strong as ever. He even left me a little note in my office this morning. Love those little moments…don’t think he realizes how much…

So, what’s the moral of this blog? Don’t give up. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the best things happen out of the worst circumstances. It is our struggles – our victories and our defeats – that makes us who we are. We can chose to begrudge life and anticipate the next hurdle or we can face each day for what it is, knowing that we have the opportunity to rise above, grow and be grateful. I got to host my family not once, but twice. I got to have my sons over and create some new memories together. I got to spend some quality time with my daugther who is growing into the woman I knew she could be. I got to overcome one of life worst disappointments with the one I love. I am thankful for technology that allows me to stay connected no matter where I am. I am thankful for my faith that continues to see me through – and I am reminded that through God’s strength, we can do anything.

Until next time!

 

“The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.”  ~ Psalm 69:32

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”  ~ Romans 12:2

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”  ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7

Life Expects Nothing Less Than All of What We Can Give

Well, seems I’ve had a lot of bonfires this weekend. Almost out of wood. The huge tree in my backyard faithfully sheds just enough to keep me in stock, yet I might need to break down and buy some firewood this year at the rate I’m going. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of things popping in my head I want to write about. Seems that always happens when my emotions are heightened: the need to be transparent. I learn a lot about myself when I write about what I’m feeling; the best reward is thinking that it could possibly help someone else, if only to let them know they aren’t alone. Guess it’s like any good song writer – the best lyrics come from real emotions. You cannot write about something you haven’t at some point, felt.

So I’m outside tonight. The November air is perfect; wrapped in my cozy red housecoat and fuzzy slippers enjoying the flames and some music on Pandora. The scenery is gorgeous – the full moon highlights the myriad of low rolling clouds just beyond the barren tree branches. It made me think about someone, which is commonplace lately. Of course I miss them, and start thinking about the “what if’s” in life…wondering if I’ve done or said all I could and second guessing myself. My oldest son texts me. Just chit chat at first. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. He stayed in high school an extra year to graduate and join the Army. He toughed out boot camp and has taken advantage of every extra military activity to earn all kinds of accreditations and certifications including becoming a certified medic. He’s been in the Army since 2008 and has experienced hard knocks but has always manages to end up on top. He texted back, “I am proud of you too, Mom. For doing whatever it took to raise me, Kelley and Mike. I wouldn’t be the way I am without u! J <3” How totally awesome is that?? That kid, well, man, really has a way of saying things that touch me so deep.

I guess the point is, it doesn’t matter if we are perfect, it only matters that we try our best and do whatever we can with the moments we are given. What follows is not up to us. I can look back and see all the things I should’ve done different. I can beat myself up for the things I wish I didn’t do, or the things I wish I had done; but, I did what I thought was right at the time, and definitely the best of what I was capable of. Time and experience, have the ability to sculpt us. Seeing how far I’ve come, I wouldn’t change a thing about who I am today. I don’t mean that to sound conceited, I’m just saying that all our falls, our tears, our challenges have the ability to make us better regardless if it doesn’t turn out how we had hoped. In all honesty we control nothing but our attitudes. Failure does not have to be the end, it can be a new beginning and sometimes that’s exactly what we need to force open our tightly shut eyes. The only failure is thinking that we have to accept being less than who we know we are and not moving forward in the process…it doesn’t matter if we fall 100 times as long as we get up 101 times.

I don’t know what my future holds. I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes, be disappointed and really look like a dork at times, but I will always give it my all, be confident in who I am, and step back and laugh at myself when I need to. I will continue to embrace my imperfections knowing there is someone out there just like me, who thinks I’m perfect; and I, him. Maybe we are both just working on ourselves so that when the time is right, we will both be ready to handle even more of life’s quips…together. All I know is, if I don’t give it my all, I’m cheating myself and whomever is meant to be the special man in my life.

No matter how it feels today, there are many great things yet in store, so until those times get here, appreciate every day as a blessing. A day to grow, appreciate and learn. When you give it your all, there is no room or reason to regret anything. We can look back as a way to realize how far we’ve come, and where we have yet to go. Life expects nothing less than all of what we can give…even if that doesn’t feel like much at times. Fortunately, most times, that’s all that is required. So, just keep doing whatever it takes and let the rest fall into place.

Time to Unpack and Let the Leaves Fall Where They May

Been praying that God give me something to write about, and yet again He pulls through, but not without some deep thought and reflection first…

We all know what happens when the seasons change to Fall: the leaves begin to change into a kalidescope of colors as they end their journey as a colorful carpet on the ground. It’s beautiful in it’s own rite and as a photographer, I love this time of year. But last week, as random leaves began to float to the ground below, I saw the trees differently. It dawned on me: trees are so unlike other earthly things. Instead of shedding its ‘coat’ for summer, it flourishes in order to shelter us and protect us from the intensity of the sun or the drizzle of the summer rains. Then, as winter approaches, it sheds its ‘coat’, destined to bare the harshness of the snow and cold nights. The fruitless branches almost give the appearance that the tree is dead, yet on the inside it thrives…and survives, growing even larger and more beautiful as the next season approaches. The tenderness of the leaves could in no way handle the ice. The bitterness of winter chill would freeze the frail shoots and stunt it’s growth…if not kill it. It needs winter. It must embrace winter. Trees are designed for the seasons, just as we are, but we don’t allow ourselves the time or give ourselves the credit to do so.

In my walk, I have come to notice that so many people jump from one relationship to another. It’s saddening. I see the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, but instead of embracing that feeling and growing from it, many stiffle the lesson by running into the arms of someone new who is surely to be ‘the one’. In reality, all they are doing is running away and bringing a little more luggage along with them in the process. I was guilty of this, too. I admit it. But now I refuse. I’m unpacking. I want to embrace my singleness. Shed my leaves. Become bear right there in front of the Lord and admit who I am and what got me here. I want to shed this old me, unpack – lighten my load – so that when it is my season, I will come into bloom as the most beautiful and awe inspiring vision I can be. There is no lesson we can learn about ourselve if we are not, first and foremost, HONEST with ourselves. We have to shed the protect shell we hide behind, open our luggage and take a long hard look at what we’ve been lugging around. We can’t rely on instant gratification to satisfy our lust for self. We have to really take a good look in the mirror and see what makes us, us, then decide what parts we want to shed and what parts we want to nurture. And God can help. He WANTS to help.

You may think that change is impossible, that you’ve been this way for years, but with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26) You may think you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve it – and you just might be right – but that’s okay because GOD knows you ARE good enough. You deserve the new you – He wants you to thrive and flourish. When you look at yourself in the eyes of God, the reflection is amazing! So don’t be afraid to let the leaves fall, to become transparent in front of the Lord. There is a season for everything. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) So embrace the season you are in, as it prepares you for the next.

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Say to them, ‘This is what the LORD says:

“‘When people fall down, do they not get up?
When someone turns away, do they not return? 
They cling to deceit;
they refuse to return. 
I have listened attentively,
but they do not say what is right.
None of them repent of their wickedness,
saying, “What have I done?”
Each pursues their own course
like a horse charging into battle.
Even the stork in the sky
knows her appointed seasons,
and the dove, the swift and the thrush
observe the time of their migration.
But my people do not know
the requirements of the LORD.” ~ Jeremiah 8:4-7

“He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.” ~ Daniel 2:21-22

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26

Embracing the Journey: Navigating Life’s Detours

And so, here I am….again. Now, after reading the next few lines you might be wondering why the heck I choose this photo….just keep reading. (If you like my photography, please ‘like’ my Facebook page.) I’ll cut to the chase. My daughter had a miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound last Thursday and they didn’t see anything. I knew then something was wrong. The following 5 days were hell: waiting, wondering, worrying, praying, doctor appointments, blood work, and more doctor appointments and more blood work. So…here I am to public deal with my thoughts.

All along I knew God’s hand was in it. Never doubted that for a second. She didn’t do anything wrong – matter of fact, just as my daughter always excels, she did everything right: drinking lots of water, eating right and exercising. It just wasn’t meant to be. My main concern is her. Her mental health in dealing with it. I also had a miscarriage when I was just short of her age. I didn’t even know I was pregnant and my relationship was going down hill fast, so I was actually relieved, but she had really accepted this and embraced it. We all did…

I still see some disappointment in her eyes and she is quicker to get angry – but I understand and I let her know I’m here if she wants to talk. I asked if she was going to try again and she said ‘no’ – she wants to be out of school and have her own place – she wants to do it right. (Funny, she didn’t say married. Thanks society.) Regardless, I am proud.

In order for me to be the supportive mom, it’s best I filter through my emotions right now. It’s been hard and I think she’s handling it better than me. Why?? At first I was a bit mad…at everyone. I had bought so much already and really had embraced the idea of being an awesome Grandma; determined to be the most Mom to my daughter, too. Now. It was gone. Just like that. Why? There is no answer. God is God. Suddenly, I felt I had nothing to look forward to. But, what had I looked forward to before this?? I had to get out of this funk so I prayed the most simpliest, shortest prayer I know, “Help me, Lord.”

As days go by, I am reminded of things. Just days before finding out about the pregnancy, I had completed separated myself from my ex – deleted, blocked, the whole 9 yards. The headache, the turmoil, the mistrust, the manipulation and games; I just couldn’t do it anymore – I was fooling myself to think he had what it takes to build a strong relationship…and maybe I was fooling myself that I was ready for it, too. I had to admit that what I thought we had was only a fantasy and fantasies are dreams that never come true. We were far from equally yolked. Even God had taken a back seat. We had common interests and goals but we were worlds apart on so many other important levels. Squares don’t fit into circles and if you try, you better have some Excedrin on hand cause all your gonna get is aggravated.

It was amazing…after finding out I was going to be a Grandma, dating quickly lost all it’s luster. I still missed him, but I knew I didn’t need him…or the headaches. The ‘whoever’ that was going to be in my life, my grandbaby’s life, would have to be extremely special and since my rose-colored glasses were finally coming into focus, I knew meeting anyone possessing those qualities wasn’t going to happen any time soon – and I was more than okay with that. I eventually decided to play the field, meet some new people while keeping my emotions in check and analyzing ‘me’ in the process. All of our habits have a root – and there has to be a root which causes my focus to blur, landing me in bad relationships. So, why do I do what I do? Some of the books I’ve been reading are excellent – “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant and “Yesterday I Cried” also by Iyanla (just found this at a book sale yesterday and already engulfed in it’s contents.) I’ll write a blog just about each book soon because they are so enlightening and inspiring – I’m actually reading the first book a second time – it was that good.

Long story short, after losing my grandbaby, I have no desire to even date – still up to meeting people (sometimes) but my grandeous idea that Mr. Right is out there has all but faded. I realize life is not about that anymore. Life is about relationships in general – my daughter, my friends, my family. No one can make me feel better but me – the light I’m looking for, the reason to live that I am looking for, is right here – in me. I love me! I’m a great person with great goals and great achievements. I have wonderful talents and some I’ve barely tapped in to. I WANT TO BE ME. That’s an awesome feeling.

I have so much going for me and I’m not letting another moment slip by or get put off because of some guy. I’m pulling my head up out of the sand and refusing to take one more blessing for granted. In the last 3 days I’ve been invited to set up a photo booth at a major event (which could prove to be very profitable), booked a FREE 4 day vacation to Nevada with my best friend and purchased a new refrigerator and stove. I even joined Sigma Alpha Pi; after attending orientation, I feel a strong urge to run for a leadership position – maybe fund raising.

So, maybe now my photograph at the beginning of this post makes sense. It’s not where we end up, it’s how we navigate the now – the roadblocks, the obstacles, the challenges, the upsets. It’s not that we win every time, but it’s how we get back up and keep going. Cry if you need to cry, be mad if you need to be mad. They are your feelings and you’ve got to let them out – just don’t let them stop you from moving on. Life’s journey is scattered with beauty.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”~ Revelation 21:4

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk, and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31

“When times are good, be happy. When times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.” ~ Ecc 7:14

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” ~ Colossians 3:1

“If you like yourself you’ll never run out of good friends.” ~ Joyce Meyer

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