Well, seems I’ve had a lot of bonfires this weekend. Almost out of wood. The huge tree in my backyard faithfully sheds just enough to keep me in stock, yet I might need to break down and buy some firewood this year at the rate I’m going. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of things popping in my head I want to write about. Seems that always happens when my emotions are heightened: the need to be transparent. I learn a lot about myself when I write about what I’m feeling; the best reward is thinking that it could possibly help someone else, if only to let them know they aren’t alone. Guess it’s like any good song writer – the best lyrics come from real emotions. You cannot write about something you haven’t at some point, felt.
So I’m outside tonight. The November air is perfect; wrapped in my cozy red housecoat and fuzzy slippers enjoying the flames and some music on Pandora. The scenery is gorgeous – the full moon highlights the myriad of low rolling clouds just beyond the barren tree branches. It made me think about someone, which is commonplace lately. Of course I miss them, and start thinking about the “what if’s” in life…wondering if I’ve done or said all I could and second guessing myself. My oldest son texts me. Just chit chat at first. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. He stayed in high school an extra year to graduate and join the Army. He toughed out boot camp and has taken advantage of every extra military activity to earn all kinds of accreditations and certifications including becoming a certified medic. He’s been in the Army since 2008 and has experienced hard knocks but has always manages to end up on top. He texted back, “I am proud of you too, Mom. For doing whatever it took to raise me, Kelley and Mike. I wouldn’t be the way I am without u! J <3” How totally awesome is that?? That kid, well, man, really has a way of saying things that touch me so deep.
I guess the point is, it doesn’t matter if we are perfect, it only matters that we try our best and do whatever we can with the moments we are given. What follows is not up to us. I can look back and see all the things I should’ve done different. I can beat myself up for the things I wish I didn’t do, or the things I wish I had done; but, I did what I thought was right at the time, and definitely the best of what I was capable of. Time and experience, have the ability to sculpt us. Seeing how far I’ve come, I wouldn’t change a thing about who I am today. I don’t mean that to sound conceited, I’m just saying that all our falls, our tears, our challenges have the ability to make us better regardless if it doesn’t turn out how we had hoped. In all honesty we control nothing but our attitudes. Failure does not have to be the end, it can be a new beginning and sometimes that’s exactly what we need to force open our tightly shut eyes. The only failure is thinking that we have to accept being less than who we know we are and not moving forward in the process…it doesn’t matter if we fall 100 times as long as we get up 101 times.
I don’t know what my future holds. I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes, be disappointed and really look like a dork at times, but I will always give it my all, be confident in who I am, and step back and laugh at myself when I need to. I will continue to embrace my imperfections knowing there is someone out there just like me, who thinks I’m perfect; and I, him. Maybe we are both just working on ourselves so that when the time is right, we will both be ready to handle even more of life’s quips…together. All I know is, if I don’t give it my all, I’m cheating myself and whomever is meant to be the special man in my life.
No matter how it feels today, there are many great things yet in store, so until those times get here, appreciate every day as a blessing. A day to grow, appreciate and learn. When you give it your all, there is no room or reason to regret anything. We can look back as a way to realize how far we’ve come, and where we have yet to go. Life expects nothing less than all of what we can give…even if that doesn’t feel like much at times. Fortunately, most times, that’s all that is required. So, just keep doing whatever it takes and let the rest fall into place.