And so, here I am….again. Now, after reading the next few lines you might be wondering why the heck I choose this photo….just keep reading. (If you like my photography, please ‘like’ my Facebook page.) I’ll cut to the chase. My daughter had a miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound last Thursday and they didn’t see anything. I knew then something was wrong. The following 5 days were hell: waiting, wondering, worrying, praying, doctor appointments, blood work, and more doctor appointments and more blood work. So…here I am to public deal with my thoughts.
All along I knew God’s hand was in it. Never doubted that for a second. She didn’t do anything wrong – matter of fact, just as my daughter always excels, she did everything right: drinking lots of water, eating right and exercising. It just wasn’t meant to be. My main concern is her. Her mental health in dealing with it. I also had a miscarriage when I was just short of her age. I didn’t even know I was pregnant and my relationship was going down hill fast, so I was actually relieved, but she had really accepted this and embraced it. We all did…
I still see some disappointment in her eyes and she is quicker to get angry – but I understand and I let her know I’m here if she wants to talk. I asked if she was going to try again and she said ‘no’ – she wants to be out of school and have her own place – she wants to do it right. (Funny, she didn’t say married. Thanks society.) Regardless, I am proud.
In order for me to be the supportive mom, it’s best I filter through my emotions right now. It’s been hard and I think she’s handling it better than me. Why?? At first I was a bit mad…at everyone. I had bought so much already and really had embraced the idea of being an awesome Grandma; determined to be the most Mom to my daughter, too. Now. It was gone. Just like that. Why? There is no answer. God is God. Suddenly, I felt I had nothing to look forward to. But, what had I looked forward to before this?? I had to get out of this funk so I prayed the most simpliest, shortest prayer I know, “Help me, Lord.”
As days go by, I am reminded of things. Just days before finding out about the pregnancy, I had completed separated myself from my ex – deleted, blocked, the whole 9 yards. The headache, the turmoil, the mistrust, the manipulation and games; I just couldn’t do it anymore – I was fooling myself to think he had what it takes to build a strong relationship…and maybe I was fooling myself that I was ready for it, too. I had to admit that what I thought we had was only a fantasy and fantasies are dreams that never come true. We were far from equally yolked. Even God had taken a back seat. We had common interests and goals but we were worlds apart on so many other important levels. Squares don’t fit into circles and if you try, you better have some Excedrin on hand cause all your gonna get is aggravated.
It was amazing…after finding out I was going to be a Grandma, dating quickly lost all it’s luster. I still missed him, but I knew I didn’t need him…or the headaches. The ‘whoever’ that was going to be in my life, my grandbaby’s life, would have to be extremely special and since my rose-colored glasses were finally coming into focus, I knew meeting anyone possessing those qualities wasn’t going to happen any time soon – and I was more than okay with that. I eventually decided to play the field, meet some new people while keeping my emotions in check and analyzing ‘me’ in the process. All of our habits have a root – and there has to be a root which causes my focus to blur, landing me in bad relationships. So, why do I do what I do? Some of the books I’ve been reading are excellent – “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant and “Yesterday I Cried” also by Iyanla (just found this at a book sale yesterday and already engulfed in it’s contents.) I’ll write a blog just about each book soon because they are so enlightening and inspiring – I’m actually reading the first book a second time – it was that good.
Long story short, after losing my grandbaby, I have no desire to even date – still up to meeting people (sometimes) but my grandeous idea that Mr. Right is out there has all but faded. I realize life is not about that anymore. Life is about relationships in general – my daughter, my friends, my family. No one can make me feel better but me – the light I’m looking for, the reason to live that I am looking for, is right here – in me. I love me! I’m a great person with great goals and great achievements. I have wonderful talents and some I’ve barely tapped in to. I WANT TO BE ME. That’s an awesome feeling.
I have so much going for me and I’m not letting another moment slip by or get put off because of some guy. I’m pulling my head up out of the sand and refusing to take one more blessing for granted. In the last 3 days I’ve been invited to set up a photo booth at a major event (which could prove to be very profitable), booked a FREE 4 day vacation to Nevada with my best friend and purchased a new refrigerator and stove. I even joined Sigma Alpha Pi; after attending orientation, I feel a strong urge to run for a leadership position – maybe fund raising.
So, maybe now my photograph at the beginning of this post makes sense. It’s not where we end up, it’s how we navigate the now – the roadblocks, the obstacles, the challenges, the upsets. It’s not that we win every time, but it’s how we get back up and keep going. Cry if you need to cry, be mad if you need to be mad. They are your feelings and you’ve got to let them out – just don’t let them stop you from moving on. Life’s journey is scattered with beauty.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”~ Revelation 21:4
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk, and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
“When times are good, be happy. When times are bad, consider; God has made the one as well as the other.” ~ Ecc 7:14
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” ~ Colossians 3:1
“If you like yourself you’ll never run out of good friends.” ~ Joyce Meyer
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