Where Do I Go From Here?

There’s a battle raging inside me. I try to ignore it, cover it, suppress it, but it’s still there. Lingering…. Lately, it’s been getting louder and harder to ignore. So, what is it? Well, that’s what really bothers me because I don’t know. The first step in problem solving is identifying the problem, so this obviously poses a quandry all it’s own. How do I figure it out? I’m an analytical person by nature so you’d think this process would come natural to me, but like a toddler trying to fit a square into a circle, I am determined to have it fit my way. And just like that child, this could occupy me for hours…maybe days.

I feel like the little kid with ADHD that the teacher keeps telling to settle down. I CAN’T! My mind races so fast. I can think of all possibilities and all potential outcomes. But who wants to believe the worse? It can’t be that bad so I recalcuate to the point that everything becomes a blur. Knowing a little about a lot doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. And some things you just never know. For example, gravity states that a man who’s parachute fails should die, right? But that wasn’t the case for Michael Holmes who fell 12,000 ft (read story here.) So, black isn’t always black and white isn’t always white. I’ve always been one to believe in people. It was the way I was raised. What’s the harm in believing? I can’t imagine God doesn’t want me to believe in people. Yet some can be so cruel and heartless as if there is no consequences to their actions. So, nothing is clear except that I’m unclear. It’s like life is a television pausing only for a moment on each channel…but I don’t want to turn the TV off…and even if I did, I’m not sure how.

There are bible verses that refer to shedding the old for the new. They keep ringing in my mind. But I like me! Well, parts of me anyway. Ever peel an orange and strip away some of the fruit along with the rind? Your hands get all sticky as the juices escape…well, I’m afraid that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to lose the good parts of me. And, heck, I’m use to being me. I’m even good at it. I have had lots of practice. (wink, wink, lol!) I know I’ve shed a lot of the bad that was determental to my health and well being. I’ve made great strides to becoming the person that I am. And I like me. I have accomplished many things. I know in reality, I’m really not that bad. So why do I feel God wants to change me? Aren’t I good enough?? Will I ever be good enough??

The weather has been extreme lately. Fortunately, our area has managed to bypass the bad ice and snow. It’s either been too cold to stick or too warm to accumulate, but one’s thing is for sure, the sun has been masked by the clouds. As I’m standing outside on break, I huddle in the corner. I stand with my hood on and my body angled towards the wall in such a way as so my breath can insulate me and my body can shield me from the cold.  

The other day, the sun returned. Because the wind was still whipping I kept my stance against the wall in my favorite little corner. However, one day, for whatever reason, I was in a different location in which the sun was on my back. I could feel it’s warmth even through the bitter breeze. As the days progress, the wind dies down and I find myself searching for the sun so I can stand in it. Even though it’s 20 degrees, I’m not nearly as cold…and it hits me. I been standing away from the Son. I’ve been off doing my own thing, trying to get the square to fit in the circle.

I’m not certain how to let go, how to stop trying. Some would call me determined but on the flip side of that, the term ‘hard-headed’ might be a better fit. The problem, I have determined, is me. I’m getting in my own way. Not sure where I go from here, but one thing is for sure. I need to stand in the Son so I can feel His warmth.

11 responses to “Where Do I Go From Here?

  1. Love this. Applies to me, sooooooo much. Loves ya, Angie-Baby! Good night!

  2. Hello my new blogging friend-
    There are many battles to be waged inside of us, but you’ve figured out the important part, and that is to follow God, no matter what. Even though you are currently fearful to lose the good parts of you, if you know there are changes to be made, and you know God, then you know he will bless you and enrich you and make you even more whole than you think you are right now. Trust in him, and start making those necessary changes. I bet you anything that one day you will look back, and realize that you were “you” all along, you were just made whole by God.

    Follow me at http://www.creationdivine.wordpress.com and we can encourage one another as we walk and step and stumble in our journey with God.
    Blessings and love,

  3. Thank you so much Caitlin. This is what I really needed to hear. I know God is there and I know He is tugging me. Part of me doesn’t know where to go or what to do, and the other part that thinks it knows, is terrified. I feel like a little kid being led into a dark room. And I know I’m not suppose to fear…I’m suppose to trust God, but I’m scared. I know that if I follow God the rewards will outweigh the costs, but I’m scared. And I feel guilty for being scared, for not giving Him my full trust. This, is my battle.

  4. That is beautiful , I feel every word of it ! Thank You !

  5. God Bless You Sister! I love the song “God is My Victory and He is HERE”. I understand you feel guilty for being afraid so ask Him for His Faith for without Him you cannot do it. Let God have it all. For it is written For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 also Ephesians 1 is an excellent word during these times. I have given up some things that this world endorses, the hardest to give up was seeing the world through the world’s eyes to see it through God’s eyes. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good fight of FAITH.

  6. MarketingMichele

    Angie, what a nice post and it’s so sensitive and you are so poetic. There are troubled people who do not know God… you do. There are people who live in fear without knowing it’s no good… but you do. There are people who are just floating through life without purpose… but you are not and you are seeking purpose. All is well. I promise. If you are a reader or a good listener, I want to suggest that you get your hands on a copy of ‘A Return To Love’ by Marianne Williamson. She will make you smile, and she will introduce you to a philosophy that counters fear-based thinking. Without this book, l’m not sure where I would be today in spite of a all the practice I’ve given to having a positive attitude. For me, first it was positive thinking and two decades later is was love-based thinking. Both changed my life and have always been attached to my search for God, meaning, and purpose. I am happy to say that I am comforted everyday by my Love for God, His Kingdom, and the infinite wisdom of the most gigantic Universe we live in… even while I am seeking my next special place to contribute in life. It’s about learning to understand… and I know you will continue to grow a little at time because you want to understand, and one day you will look over your shoulder and this will be a bygone challenge. Take good care, Michele

    • You have no idea how this touches me. You are so right. I do know God, I understand the benefits of fear and I know I have a purpose. I need to remember those who are not as fortunate…continue counting my blessings. (James 1:2-8) Thank you so much. I will most definitely get this book – I love to read. Thank you again.

  7. Elizabeth's World

    I enjoyed reading this. I’m glad you are sharing your thoughts with us. Thank you. I was kept breathless as I read your article.

  8. You have a beautiful way with words Angie, thank you so much for sharing your life with us.

    I have only one word for you … BELIEVE! You must believe, and have faith that letting go, creating a space, will only allow better things to fill in that space!!

    Your friends on TWOF are here for you, as am I! You are loved!

  9. Angie, I loved your post, very beautifully written. It touched me because just a few months ago, I was there…Standing on my little corner as well. Then one day… I decided to travel a little further and what I found was beautiful… You just have to try…take a few steps towards what seems impossible to achieve..you’ll see …you’ll feel the warmth…
    Much Love ~

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