There’s a battle raging inside me. I try to ignore it, cover it, suppress it, but it’s still there. Lingering…. Lately, it’s been getting louder and harder to ignore. So, what is it? Well, that’s what really bothers me because I don’t know. The first step in problem solving is identifying the problem, so this obviously poses a quandry all it’s own. How do I figure it out? I’m an analytical person by nature so you’d think this process would come natural to me, but like a toddler trying to fit a square into a circle, I am determined to have it fit my way. And just like that child, this could occupy me for hours…maybe days.
I feel like the little kid with ADHD that the teacher keeps telling to settle down. I CAN’T! My mind races so fast. I can think of all possibilities and all potential outcomes. But who wants to believe the worse? It can’t be that bad so I recalcuate to the point that everything becomes a blur. Knowing a little about a lot doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. And some things you just never know. For example, gravity states that a man who’s parachute fails should die, right? But that wasn’t the case for Michael Holmes who fell 12,000 ft (read story here.) So, black isn’t always black and white isn’t always white. I’ve always been one to believe in people. It was the way I was raised. What’s the harm in believing? I can’t imagine God doesn’t want me to believe in people. Yet some can be so cruel and heartless as if there is no consequences to their actions. So, nothing is clear except that I’m unclear. It’s like life is a television pausing only for a moment on each channel…but I don’t want to turn the TV off…and even if I did, I’m not sure how.
There are bible verses that refer to shedding the old for the new. They keep ringing in my mind. But I like me! Well, parts of me anyway. Ever peel an orange and strip away some of the fruit along with the rind? Your hands get all sticky as the juices escape…well, I’m afraid that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to lose the good parts of me. And, heck, I’m use to being me. I’m even good at it. I have had lots of practice. (wink, wink, lol!) I know I’ve shed a lot of the bad that was determental to my health and well being. I’ve made great strides to becoming the person that I am. And I like me. I have accomplished many things. I know in reality, I’m really not that bad. So why do I feel God wants to change me? Aren’t I good enough?? Will I ever be good enough??
The weather has been extreme lately. Fortunately, our area has managed to bypass the bad ice and snow. It’s either been too cold to stick or too warm to accumulate, but one’s thing is for sure, the sun has been masked by the clouds. As I’m standing outside on break, I huddle in the corner. I stand with my hood on and my body angled towards the wall in such a way as so my breath can insulate me and my body can shield me from the cold.
The other day, the sun returned. Because the wind was still whipping I kept my stance against the wall in my favorite little corner. However, one day, for whatever reason, I was in a different location in which the sun was on my back. I could feel it’s warmth even through the bitter breeze. As the days progress, the wind dies down and I find myself searching for the sun so I can stand in it. Even though it’s 20 degrees, I’m not nearly as cold…and it hits me. I been standing away from the Son. I’ve been off doing my own thing, trying to get the square to fit in the circle.
I’m not certain how to let go, how to stop trying. Some would call me determined but on the flip side of that, the term ‘hard-headed’ might be a better fit. The problem, I have determined, is me. I’m getting in my own way. Not sure where I go from here, but one thing is for sure. I need to stand in the Son so I can feel His warmth.