I haven’t blogged in some time…and there’s a reason. It starts off slowly, like a python. The grip gets tighter and tighter until you can barely breathe. You’re left standing there, motionless, with eyes open wide and a somber tear tracing down your face.
At first I was going to blog about unconditional love the other day. I started but stopped because I was contradicting myself. I think there is a place for unconditional love. If some of us practiced that more we wouldn’t get ourselves into relationships that bring us down. Unhealthy love is deathly: to the spirit, the mind, the heart, the soul. God says we should love our neighbor’s and I think that just goes to prove that we don’t have to live with all of them. 😉
So, what’s my dilemma? Well, here is where I back down from being transparent. I am with God and that’s who really matters. Forgive me for being somewhat secretive. I honestly don’t mind sharing but sometimes I’d like to know who I’m sharing my thoughts with. This is me we’re talking about. I’ve had a stalker, I don’t need to encourage another. My heart is….soft. damaged. torn. scorned. aching. I meet people and there is always something there that says ‘no’…and to be honest, it’s pissing me off. I see good things but that nagging just won’t let go. And I can’t be mad at God – like what good would that do – but it does tick me off. I see things I didn’t see before. More importantly, I’m reacting to those things I see. Backing off, listening, observing. It will never cease to amaze me what God will reveal when we allow Him in. Some we won’t want to see, some we will resist, but it will always be there. Guess that’s why I’ve been quiet. Battling the war within. And to be honest, I’m not really sure who’s winning…but God continues to tug at me. It’s up to me to heed the warning. I know this. There’s a big difference between hearing and listening.
Pray for me…I know God will love me regardless (at least He has perfected ‘unconditional love’) but as I’ve said before, we cannot escape the consequences of our actions. Whatever path I choose – right or wrong… This is my walk and I’m just at a crossroads…except, it’s not like a simple fork in the road, it’s one of those that has several paths that branch off into various directions. And as I look down each of them, their paths disappear over the hills and turns, and I remain frozen. Afraid to move. Some times the hardest person to say good bye to, is ourselves…