I am starting to realize how life is like a series of tests. It’s not necessarily just if we pass them or not, it’s how we go through them. Do we act like spoiled children demanding our way? Or do we act selfish, demanding to know ‘why us’ or ‘why again’ or ‘why now’? Or do we accept it, putting it in God’s hands and keeping our eyes set forward, mindful of those around us??
Today, I realized that I really don’t know what I want. Yeah. I want…happy. I want love. But what is happy? What is love?? I just think I know what I want. I still hope. I’ll always hope…so don’t get me wrong, hoping is never bad, but it is if it affects your health and your daily life, if you can’t shake it during your normal routine, then it’s not good. Some things are to just be left in God’s hands – period. He knows the reason and it doesn’t mean you have to. He has a plan and sometimes, it’s just not for us to know about it yet. It’s like buying Christmas presents for your kids. It’s the anticipation that motivates us. What’s around the next corner? The true test is, He wants to see how we can and will handle the wait…the darkness…the inbetween. They are pass/fail kinds of tests. We will take them over and over again until we get it. So, are you going to pout and feel all sorry for yourself? Are you going to play the blame game and start pointing fingers at those you think are responsible? Or are you going to accept it and carry on implementing what you have learned so far? Are you going to trust God? God doesn’t require perfect success, but He does require persistence, perserverance, faith – even if it’s only the size of a mustard seed. He wants us to be able to appreciate and earn our rewards. He wants us to grow up! It’s okay to be scared, to be nervous, to be confused, it’s even okay to cry but NEVER give up. He just wants us to keep trying, to never give up on Him.
As for me, I am learning to accept that I can’t have everything as I wish it to be. I accept that I just don’t know what I want. I leave that in God’s hands. Some things are just meant to be in our lives for a season: people, jobs, homes; each merely a milestone, a step to the greater things He has planned for us if we follow Him. It’s up to us which direction these tests of faith take us. We have free will to choose God’s will. To just let things be. To trust God.
God, I’m sorry for wanting things my way so much lately. I’m sorry for acting like a child who is not getting her way. I understand You have better plans for me and You have a purpose for all I’m going through. I want the rewards You have in store for me. I want to know this new me more intimately because the more I see her, the more I like her. I want to shed all the old I can. Please forgive my doubts and turn them into strengths. Shine down on me Lord. Let your mercy and grace rain over me and wash all my anxieties and tears away. Most of all Lord, I trust You. I leave it all in Your Hands. In Your precious Name…Amen