Wisdom in the Darkness

This verse actually helped me sleep last night. I tried to post what I was feeling about this verse on Facebook last night but the limited space limited my ability to share my thoughts so here goes.

I want to be wise. Not wise of this world, but wise in Christ. I ask God about it often. What is wisdom? And yesterday, while traveling to visit my son and his girlfriend in their new place, old pain resurfaced. Yes…my ‘not-so-special friend’. He lived outside of the same town my son just moved to, so the drive was very familiar. As I approached the turn where I would usually go to see him, my attitude shifted. I wanted to cry. All the lies, empty words. I believed in him and for what? Nothing. Just to be let down. That’s what I can’t get over. Why did he lie to me? Why did he willingly and knowingly hurt me so bad? I don’t get it. How can people like that exist? He wasn’t looking for love, he was looking for someone to take advantage of. If you’ve ever been taken advantage of, you know how I feel right now. Thankfully I can forgive him but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t make the memories fade. I know I have to find a way to deal with it…and that’s where this verse comes in….

Before bed, I selected a random bible verse like I often do, hence James 3:13-18. Humility is realizing our own rank and importance. We are all human, we all sin, we all hurt, we all have our own crosses to bear. That’s why I can forgive him. Yet I must be cautious not to harbor bitterness or resentment. I don’t think I am…but. I can’t look at it for my own selfish needs. I wanted love, yes, but I knew better. There were signs even if they were only the slight feelings I had in my gut. God was trying to warn me, but here I was thinking I could save him, help him, be supportive. We can’t base relationships on that, but  a lot of us do. That’s selfish. When we follow our own will, we will pay the consequences. This is mine.

I cannot deny the truth. It is what it is. There is nothing to be jealous or envious of – I want someone who is honest and trustworthy from the beginning. Once the bridge of honesty or adultery is torn, it is so hard to rebuild. I commended married couples for overcoming these afflictions together – upholding ‘better or worse’ part of their vows. That’s love. That’s humility, that’s being selfless. That’s humility – and when the couple cling to God and grow from it – that’s wisdom.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that there is a lesson in all this and I just haven’t learned it yet. It may take awhile – I really do need time to heal. No more replacing the pain…I am going to feel this and learn from it. I want the kind of love and wisdom that comes from heaven: pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, merciful, impartial, sincere. I forgive him. I honestly do, no matter how much it hurts. He was a season… a painful season. The ‘whys’ will just have to remain questions in time. The answers don’t really matter anyway – the damage has been done. No one is innocent here. Now it is time to make peace, not necessarily with him, but with myself. Humility. Selflessness. I’m learning to know what love isn’t rather than what it is. Wisdom is knowing that God has a bigger plans for us…bigger than we can imagine.

(Also, note the use of the word ‘fruit’ again. God is trying to tell me something….I just know it. Wish He spoke clearly, but it doesn’t always work that way. Time….)

Two Kinds of Wisdom (James 3:13-18)

 13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

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2 responses to “Wisdom in the Darkness

  1. Angie, We all struggle to forgive. And there is pain as you walk through the healing process. But you have to believe (and I know you do) that God will use this for good. That’s what he does. And in the end when you look back, you will be a little wiser, a lot more peaceful and ready for whomever God chooses for you! Hang in there girl!!!!!!!
    Praying for you,
    Lori

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