Today has been a strange day. Went well at work. I stayed busy and really put myself into my work. I got home and my middle son was home, which is odd but nice. We talked and hung out for a bit. I watered my garden and decided to go to church early for the city prayer gathering. I was really moved while I was there. It wasn’t a formal service but a gathering where everyone was invited to pray either alone or out loud on the microphone. Music and video played on the big screen. The atmosphere was calming and inviting. Hearing everyone praying, I easily started praying right along with them in my pew. Never attended anything like that before. Not a lot of people there, but it was definitely filled with energy. God was there. I remembered a song I heard at work “Can Anybody Hear Her” by Casting Crowns. My take on the song is about a lost woman who feels invisible or judged at church. The thought of how bad our city needs prayer – it moved me. To think of others who were like I was, feeling like they have nowhere to go…saddens me. Look at me. I have a very large family – 3 children, 7 siblings, 50+ first cousins, who would’ve ever thought I felt alone the majority of my life?? But I always felt surrounded by people and still alone up until about a year ago. Over the years I drowned my sorrow, worry and fears in drugs, and I covered my feelings of inadequacy and low self worth with men. I was so lost for so long. Thanks to God I’m not lost anymore. I’m on the right path now. I may still hurt, but I can honestly say I am not lost anymore. And maybe that’s why today is so weird.
I opened my laptop tonight and found that my daughter left the iTunes app open. The first song on the list was the last song my special friend told me reminded him of me. It’s a love song, of course….I could hear it playing in my head by just seeing the title. I wanted to play it…but I knew I couldn’t. I closed iTunes immediately and went about my business. Yet another incident where he pops into my mind.
I open my pictures folder on my laptop, or even on my phone, and I see the folder where I have all of our pictures…I want to open it and view them, but I know…I can’t. It simply hurts too bad. It makes me long for him that much more. Bottom line…he is always there…always on my mind…always in my heart.
I sat at my computer not having a clue what to do. I couldn’t think of anything to blog about and not into internet games, so, I decided to go make me something to eat. Of course, while I’m in the kitchen I always turn on KLOVE. And while I’m cooking I start to do other things: the dishes, cleaning the coffee pot, I throw away the bulletin about today’s prayer gathering and I see where I wrote “Nothing happens without prayer.” I think to myself ‘I need to write that down so I don’t forget’ then continue about the kitchen. But then this song comes on. “You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman. Immediately I am reminded that there is someone else who understands what I’m feeling. There is someone else who is so supportive and caring and who always finds a way to let me know He is there. You know who I’m talking about: God. I started praying. I told Him I wanted to pray for myself this time…not church, not the city, not my friends, but me. I actually dropped to my knees at the kitchen sink and quietly cried…I didn’t want my son who was in the living room to hear me and think something was wrong. I told God I felt weak. That I didn’t want to go through this again. That I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to handle it wrong. I asked God to give me strength, give me patience, to keep me strong because I want His will and not mine. Then it just came to me. Before, I would’ve texted him. I would’ve obsessed on the emptiness. I would’ve caved…somehow. I sure wouldn’t be in the kitchen cleaning and fixing something to eat. That song spoke to me. It was as if He was talking directly to me. Yes. Little ole’ me. He was reminding me to hang on. I think He was telling me to Never Let Go. It doesn’t have to be a violent storm – our urges hit us at inconvenient times and in varying degrees. Our problems, our trials don’t come in perfect packages. Sometimes they are small but still painful…still a struggle. And while I’m not who I use to be, I am human. I do hurt and sometimes I just need to take that hurt to Jesus and leave it at the cross…a hundred times if I have to…
As the song continued, it reminded me that “there will be an end to these troubles.” Yeah. He was talking to me. I am to hold on. Never let go. I’m making progress and I’m becoming a much better person because of it. I am not who I use to be. I will not turn back. I will stay on course. I don’t know why he is imprinted in my mind…maybe that’s of God and maybe it’s not. Only time will tell if our paths will cross again and/or to what degree, but I have to give it to God. Until then, my walk is up to me. I won’t let go. He will give me strength when I am weary, (Isaiah 40:29) I just need to pray. And my hope needs to remain with God. (Isaiah 40:31) “I can see a light that is coming for a heart that holds on.” He has great things in store for me…I just have to hold on. This is the ride of my life after all.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” ~ Isaiah 40:29
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
“Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all.” ~ 1 Chronicles 29:12
“Think how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands. Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.” ~ Job 4:3-4
“Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” ~ Job 8:20-21
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” ~ Psalm 18:32
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.” ~ Psalm 28:7
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.” ~ Psalm 29:11