A friend turned me on to this song. Love the lyrics and it fits well for me right now. After talking to my special friend on Tuesday, I started to analyze what it is I’m trying to ‘fix’ about myself. Why am I not ready to be in a relationship? What is at the heart of my pain? It’s a hard question but you can’t fix what you don’t understand is broken. It’s not out of lack of not wanting it. I can’t get him off my mind. He’s embedded in my heart. Our goals are in alignment. So…why? Why am I not ready?
Well, to be honest…and I almost hate to type this, but…I don’t think I know how to be loved. Somewhere I learned that you do whatever you have to in order to be accepted…to stay loved…even if that goes against the very grain of your soul. I know how to love; I can be very romantic, caring, giving, etc., but…I don’t know how to be loved. Maybe that stems from the abuse I survived as a child and the attitudes it set in my brain: sex = love, love = pain. I learned how to walk on egg shells and just be thankful for what little love was shown. To turn a man on sexually is to earn his affections. Give of yourself 200% and expect nothing in return. The love I have experienced so far has taken me to the poor house, both financially and emotionally. It’s like, somehow, I convinced myself that’s all the love I deserved. But I’m seeing that true love isn’t earned…it just…is. I am full of love and I was meant to be loved, too. Sadly…I don’t know what that even means…or feels like….I need God to fix me…to show me what I’m worth.
It’s a blow to the head to realize this about yourself. Probably why I haven’t blogged in a couple days…I didn’t really want to admit this to anyone. I want to be loved for me…what’s inside. I deserve it. I know I do. And I want the love I give to be returned. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying he doesn’t love me for the right reasons, if in fact he loves me, I’m just saying…I’m not sure what that’s suppose to feel like or…how to even accept it. The love I give will not always match the love I get, but, I can honestly say I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I don’t know how to not walk on eggshells…I don’t know how to not doubt…I don’t know how to not be…afraid. How sad is that?? It’s an area of the playground the devil has the most fun – and the most control – over me. I’m usually the one busy trying to figure out how to demonstrate my love, how to not cause a ruckus or make waves…not how to accept it from someone else. I don’t know how to accept that kind of love…a love that’s real, pure. As the old saying goes, ‘how can you love someone else if you can’t love yourself?’ I need to learn how to love me so that I can accept it when someone else does. I need to learn that love doesn’t have to hurt….not everyone lies and cheats.
For too long, the devil has made me feel unworthy. God is showing me that I am worthy of love. (Proverbs 3:5-6, John 8:32, Deuteronomy 31:6) That’s an amazing feeling. I know in my heart, in the very depths of my being, that once this lesson is learned, I will love like no other and I will be loved like never before. It will be beyond anything I could have imagined. And that, my friends, makes the wait so worth it. Maybe it will be my special friend, maybe it won’t. I can’t worry about that now….it is what it is and time will reveal where I am suppose to be.
I have my downfalls, but I know I have qualities, too…I’ve actually had a few close friends almost in shock when I talk about my insecurities with love. I’ve discovered that some see me as a confident, accomplished, independent woman – that actually blew me away to hear that…but on the inside…I am just a fragile rose bud. Which reminds me of a story someone sent me recently – how we can’t open a rose bud without damaging it’s fragile petals, but God can. One petal at a time. I just haven’t bloomed yet. While I am a confident and secure woman, when it comes to relationships and love…I’m lost. Scared. I don’t want to be used any more. No more lies no more cheating. Maybe my Dad doesn’t say he loves me or hold me when I’m sad, but my heavenly Father God does and He is giving me the nourishment I need to learn to love myself so that, in the future, someone else can love me, too…just as it reads in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. Slowly and gently He is revealing the beautiful rose inside me. Praise God…
I will only look back to my past to grow from it. Staying there is dangerous. I hold no grudges. I have no regrets. It was what it was. Revenge in not mine. (Romans 12:19, 2 Thessolonians 1:6, Luke 6:33) The pain we experience in life either breaks us or makes us and I am not easily broken. (Ah-ha. See the confident side coming out?) Learning about ourselves isn’t easy. Admitting who we are isn’t who we want to be and not knowing how to change it – that’s scary. (Proverbs 15:32) But “repentence means change, not just remorse” (The Three Battlegrounds.) I want to grow. I need to grow. I want my table to have 4 strong legs (I’ll explain this in another blog – table represents the foundation of a relationship, like building a house on sand verses rock.) I want my home to be sturdy, to withstand any storm (Proverbs 15:32). The Lord is the rock of the house, the man is the head of the house and the woman adores it with love. I seek the knowledge to make my home strong: to do my part. And once I reach that – nothing: no trial, storm or tribulation – will ever damage the foundation in which it is set. NOTHING. It will be grounded in God and…in love; pure, real, love.
The next time I love someone, it will be complete…it will come from every pore of our being and nothing will go to waste. I’m letting go so I can fix myself, because if I don’t, I will never know what I’m really worth. Lights will guide me home and ignite my bones. God will fix me. I will be loved.
“God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you.” ~ 2 Thessolonians 1:6
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19
“If you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that.” ~ Luke 6:33
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.”” ~ Jeremiah 17:9-10
“It was also called Mizpah, [a] because he said, “May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.” ~ Genesis 31:49
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” ~ John 8:32, NLT
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
“Do not those who plot evil go astray? But those who plan what is good find [show] love and faithfulness.” ~ Proverbs 14:22
“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” ~ Proverbs 15:32
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” ~ Proverbs 14:1
“The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” ~ Proverbs 15:14