This walk has brought about a lot of epiphanies and this one is probably the most revealing…at least to me. I’ve been taking the time to reflect on my past and the commonalities that have lead to the failure of my relationships. I notice that I tend to cling to men like a proverbial feather. Without a man, I feel…lost. I need to let go of this feather and learn to fly alone. I realize now that all I need is God. And once I heal from the wounds of having this attitude, I can truly enjoy a healthy relationship.
One of my friends I explained this to, later asked me what I meant by ‘feather’, so let me clarify for those of you who may not understand. Do you remember the story of Dumbo? The childhood story about an elephant with big ears who could fly? Well, he didn’t believe he could at first until he given a magical feather. With the feather firmly in his snout he flew effortlessly through the air; but without it, he plummeted to the ground. Only until he was told that the feather had no power was he able to let go of his dependence on that feather and fly all by himself. Well, men have been my feather. If I have a man, I have worth. I have value. I am beautiful. I am not alone. I have someone to take care of me, and someone I can take care of. I am not alone. (Yes. I know I repeated that.) No problem was too big, I could handle it. I sacrificed whatever I had to. I would do anything for love – anything to hold onto that feather. Boy, did that attitude get me in some hot water. And boy…did it leave deep wounds in my heart, and in my spirit. That’s why I need God. A therapist may be able to cure a heartache, but I need more…so much more.
So, how does the healing begin? It begins with admitting it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. And my spiritual advisor will help me to uncover the bondage that prevents me from letting go. Healing comes from referring to the bible and praying. And healing also takes place by taking the time to reflect and journal, by absorbing the reality that being alone really isn’t all that scary.
I have to say that of all my relationship, this last one really taught me something. It was short, and it was great, but it made me realize that we were doomed. I’m not strong enough to stand alone yet. I was still clinching that feather and I don’t want him to be my feather – I don’t want any man to be my feather – I want my man to be my partner. And that’s one of the goals in this walk: to learn why I don’t need a feather, that I am worthy, that I am beautiful and that it doesn’t matter if I am alone. I want to be the kind of woman any wholesome, good man would want and deserve. If we are meant to be, our paths will cross again. Maybe he and I will talk again…and maybe we won’t. That’s all in God’s hands now. I’ve laid it at the cross. I may always miss him, but he was instrumental in helping me see myself for who God wants me to be. He did more for me than any other man I’ve ever been with. I wish I could thank him. My first lesson in learning how to love was learning that sometimes…you have to let go.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” ~ Hebrews 10:23
“A faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time, and at his appointed season he brought his word to light through the preaching entrusted to me by the command of God our Savior.” ~ Titus 1:2-3
“Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.” ~ 1 Peter 1:13