I’ve been wanting to write for some time now, but something always holds me back. Not life, but me. Afraid of revealing what I’m really feeling. Not ready to confront it. I don’t know why – when I write I tend to answer my own questions and walk away feeling more confident…so, it’s time.
The past few weeks I’ve been extremely fearful. I won’t go into detail, so let’s just say I’m afraid of losing this happiness. Before I met Dave, I was happy. Alone, yes, but extremely happy with everything else in my life: my job, my kids, my finances, my home, my conflictions. Meeting Dave only added a level of contentment; a surreal level of contentment that I’ve honestly never felt before. I have finally found the one that assuredly fits me. How do I know? I just do. Love is not just liking the same foods or the same hobbies, it’s meshing on a higher level of compatibility that deals with morals, views and ideas. It’s communicating on a level beyond words. It’s feeling so deep there are no words. I’ve never met someone more like myself. So, maybe it is natural to fear losing him.
Like everyone else, life has been nothing but a series of ups and downs for me. Yet I ride the downs like an Olympic wave runner – never letting them change who I am in my core, rather, I’ve allowed my times of trial to strengthen me. I have recognized my weaknesses – admitted them and work on them. In the dust of defeat and triumph, I have realized my strengths and utlitize them to the fullest. Of course, opportunities have emerged as a result of not sticking my head in the sand…yet threats. Still working on dealing with the threats.
I pulled up some quotes on fear today and one stuck out:
“When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear.” ~ Buddha
How unlikely of me to pick Buddha, yet I am not beyond believing that other religions hold merit. Matter of fact, I’m still struggling with my religious identity. Don’t get me wrong. I believe there is a God, just maybe not as main stream as some would like me to believe. That’s another blog….back on topic: this verse spoke to me. We have to understand that evil does lurk in more than just the corners of the world – evil lurks in the corners of our minds. Possibly the most scariest place. However, we can devert this fear by not allowing it to gain foothold. We can strive to find tranquility and peace in recognizing the good acts of others; and not just in others, but in ourselves – in our perceptions and in our attitudes. How we carry ourselves.
I’ve said it before and I’ll surely say it more, but things are exactly what we say they are; life is exactly what we claim it to be. If you think your life sucks – guess what?? IT DOES. If you think your job sucks – IT DOES. If you think your days suck – well, if it doesn’t, you can bank on it that it will before the day is over. What we speak, we breathe into existence. We ultimately give life to fear and fear in turn, takes on a whole life of its own. Now, I’m not saying it’s not okay to be scared – we would have no use for courage if there was not first something to fear – yet it is the sheer act of refusing to let that fear control us. “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” ~Mark Twain. We must speak positively, reminding ourselves of ‘good teachings’, hence, the good moments that keep us going. We must surround ourselves with positive people. We have to appreciate the wonder in where we stand today. Embrace it. In doing so, we release fear and become examples of good teachings for others. Tomorrow is too far away to give into fear. And tomorrow is coming; good or bad. Don’t hold onto the past so tightly that we choke out our present.
I guess what I’m trying to say – and what I’m trying to remind myself of is, don’t give fear a foothold. Giving life to fear creates a breeding ground from which no good crop can be harvested. Instead, embrace the opportunity to realize that the past is exactly that – the past. Take from it lessons that strengthen you or allow you to work on your weaknesses. Know yourself. Acknowledge the fear and then let it go. Be strong and courageous in who you are and everything else will naturally fall into place. As Confucius says, “If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?”